31.5.08
17.5.08
I miss you already
It's silly. She's only been gone for 2 hours, and I'm already lonesome for her. She's my best friend and I'm so proud of her for graduating. She's such an amazing young woman and I am incredibly proud to be her best friend. I can't even begin to describe her. Of course I think she's beautiful inside and out and is intelligent. She should have graduated summa cum laude, but didn't because she didn't have 64 credits at the school. *sigh* I wish everyone in the world knew how wonderful she is.
Granted, she's not the only one I'm going to miss. Agie's going. Perky's going. Whitney's going. *sigh* I'm going to miss you all so much.
Granted, she's not the only one I'm going to miss. Agie's going. Perky's going. Whitney's going. *sigh* I'm going to miss you all so much.
6.5.08
Thinking about stuff
I know I shouldn't be surprised. I really really shouldn't. Time and time again, I've offered Logan time with his son, and time and time again, he rejects it. I know he hates me. I get that, I understand... and hell, most of the time, I reciprocate it, but don't take it out on that sweet little boy. I offered him time during Liam's summer break (two weeks) and offered him time over the choir tour and I offered him time over Liam's fall break in September and even most of his birthday weekend... but no. The week for choir tour was rejected barely before I got the words out. I gave him a deadline of April 30th for the rest of the breaks... and since I was in the hospital having my gall bladder out, he ended up with a 5 day grace period. Why is it so hard for him to be a daddy?
When I married him, I really thought that his was it. That this was going to be the love story of my entire life and the greatest thing I'd ever a part of. It might not have been the love story I thought I was going to get, but I embraced and thought maybe for once I'd find out that there are families that don't break and there are couples who can withstand anything because they're devoted. I wanted to give that to Liam, because he deserves it. he's this amazing wonder creature that somehow, I made... and he deserves everything this world has to offer. I don't care if he wants to be a circus juggler, because if he wants to be, he'll be the best one in the entire history of the world. Who wouldn't want to be his father? Who could possibly turn their back on that?I guess i'm thinking about it, because last week, when I was facing my surgery, I was scrambling to find someone to take care of Liam while I was naked and unconscious on a surgical table. I called Logan and he told me that as Liam's custodial parent, it was my responsibility to care for him, not Logan's. He told me that his only responsibility to Liam existed when Liam was with him and no time outside that. I have people, I could have called... but as rare as complications with this surgery are, I was still worried, that if something happened to me, who was going to take care of my baby?
If he didn't want the responsibility, why did he marry me? Why did he promise me things he couldn't deliver? Why did knowingly impregnate me? If I didn't need the child support as badly as I do, I would tell him Liam wasn't his. I would beg him to give up parental rights and to leave us alone forever. The more I look at all of this, the more I realize that my marriage isn't over. He's still hurting me, only now, he's doing it by hurting my baby. This won't be over until I'm out of Iowa... I want out.. I want my degree though and I can suffer through one more year... but right now... I'm hurting. I'm tired of him and his home-wrecking slut getting to be neglectful to my baby. I'm tired him trying to get Liam to call her "mommy".
Right now, I feel like I've fucked up my life royally and that I'm doing nothing right. I hate my life right now.
When I married him, I really thought that his was it. That this was going to be the love story of my entire life and the greatest thing I'd ever a part of. It might not have been the love story I thought I was going to get, but I embraced and thought maybe for once I'd find out that there are families that don't break and there are couples who can withstand anything because they're devoted. I wanted to give that to Liam, because he deserves it. he's this amazing wonder creature that somehow, I made... and he deserves everything this world has to offer. I don't care if he wants to be a circus juggler, because if he wants to be, he'll be the best one in the entire history of the world. Who wouldn't want to be his father? Who could possibly turn their back on that?I guess i'm thinking about it, because last week, when I was facing my surgery, I was scrambling to find someone to take care of Liam while I was naked and unconscious on a surgical table. I called Logan and he told me that as Liam's custodial parent, it was my responsibility to care for him, not Logan's. He told me that his only responsibility to Liam existed when Liam was with him and no time outside that. I have people, I could have called... but as rare as complications with this surgery are, I was still worried, that if something happened to me, who was going to take care of my baby?
If he didn't want the responsibility, why did he marry me? Why did he promise me things he couldn't deliver? Why did knowingly impregnate me? If I didn't need the child support as badly as I do, I would tell him Liam wasn't his. I would beg him to give up parental rights and to leave us alone forever. The more I look at all of this, the more I realize that my marriage isn't over. He's still hurting me, only now, he's doing it by hurting my baby. This won't be over until I'm out of Iowa... I want out.. I want my degree though and I can suffer through one more year... but right now... I'm hurting. I'm tired of him and his home-wrecking slut getting to be neglectful to my baby. I'm tired him trying to get Liam to call her "mommy".
Right now, I feel like I've fucked up my life royally and that I'm doing nothing right. I hate my life right now.
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