Breathe

It's been one hell of a week. Confusing emotionally, upsetting, and just exhausting. I started work this week and it went really well. I'm learning things, but I'm still scared that I'm not going to be able to do it. But the biggest thing that happened is that L's grandpa died. Not my dad... Lo's dad. I really loved D. He wasn't the most well-spoken man, but he was a sweet man who loved me like a daughter. L's been freaking out all week. I'm trying so hard to be there for him, but I'm just as upset. The confusing part is how much I want to be there for Lo. We've been divorced for 5 years next month and I still call him my husband. I still love him unconditionally, but I'm not IN love with him. I've learned my lesson to stay away from him, but knowing another woman is taking care of him and standing where I should be just pisses me off to no end. I don't know how people can be married more than once... I have so much trouble accepting that I'm not married anymore. I know I'm not, but I'm still scared I'm going to hell for having left him. He asked me to though, and I would have done anything to make him happy. *sigh* Doesn't help that he was abusive...

Because

Well, I've moved. Officially out of Iowa and into Wisconsin. I never EVER want to move again. It's such an awful stress basket that isn't necessary. The next time I move, it will be into a house that I intend to die in. And hopefully, no one will bail on me that time. Yeah, I had a helper all set up until she texts me a half hour before she was going to be there to say that she was too sick to help. I have trouble believing that. She set it up a couple of days before that she was getting sick and then told me she'd be there... *sigh* I hate being lied to. Especially by someone who's supposed to be my friend. Thankfully, S helped me out by leaving work, cause there is no way I could have done it on my own. I called her crying and begging for help..

I actually just left Iowa for the last time yesterday. Saying goodbye to S was so difficult. I dreaded it and I'm still waiting for it to sink in. I don't know if or when it's going to.