Anger leads to hate, Hate leads to suffering

I feel like I am simmering with anger almost 24 hours a day. Anger at myself for being crippled by my social anxieties. Anger at Liam when he shows any hint of being like me because no one needs to be anything like me. Anger at Sara for being crazy enough to think I'm fine the way I am. Anger at my brothers for being only the most recent men to bail on my son. Anger at my now former therapist for saying that it is my fault for how I feel. Nevermind that I'm trying to deal with shit I've never dealt with before and emotions are bound to show up, but it is entirely my fault for those emotions for being there. I guess when you have been abused as a child, an adolescent and an adult, the smart thing to do is to just shrug it off and walk away. Guess I'm not smart.

It doesn't help matters that I decided to just stop my meds about 3 weeks ago. I was way overmedicated anyways, but that fact is only adding fuel to the fire of anger I'm trying to deal with. I am so angry and so upset and I don't want to talk to anyone about it. Professional or otherwise. I'm angry that people have pulled away from me like I'm a fucking leper. So instead, I'm isolating myself. Hiding from anyone that might be slightly interested in helping because no one in this world wants to be helping anyone. At least not without getting something in return. Even if all they receive is that wonderful feeling of self congratulations. And once again, someone profits from my misery.

The thing that has been bothering me the most though is how often suicide is coming up in conversation and the worst part of it is that I'm not the one bringing it up. It's usually part of a conversation that goes "did you know so and so died?" and then I find out that yet another of my friends has committed suicide. What's worst is that there is a part of me, albeit small, that is jealous. Jealous that they had the nerve to end it all and yet I'm stuck here waffling on the subject and trying to make sure no one knows about it because once anyone does find out, it immediately turns into a "I'm going to help you so that I feel better" situation and I'm not in the mood to make everyone else feel better. I'd rather figure out how to make myself feel better. *sigh*

Sometimes I admit how lost I really am

I think I made a poor choice in my major in college. I chose vocal performance, but was rejected because I didn't have the time to put into the major. So, instead, I went with general music. Did you know there is absolutely nothing you can do with a general music degree? I didn't. I was just happy to be getting the fuck out of undergrad in under a decade. Lately, I've been indulging in the land of "oh shit, I fucked up. Is it too late to fix it?" and I have no idea as to what to do. Should I swallow my pride and just keep going on to grad school for Music History? It's ultimately where I want to end up. Or, do I go back to undergrad and do the major I should have done in the first place - namely, Violin performance? I have no idea. All I know is that I really really miss being in an orchestra. I really enjoy the feeling I have with my violin in my hands and when I'm rocking out with my favorite baroque composers. Mainly the Italians. They know how to compose.

I've been struggling lately. Drifting. I need to start doing something just for me or I may just go out of my goddamn mind. I'm tired of feeling like I'm becoming dumber and dumber as each year passes. I need the structure of school and the ability to learn more. I want to get going instead of stagnating. The biggest problem I have is that I don't want to go back to my undergrad professors and beg for recommendations. I know I need to. I just don't want to. I know I could easily do the graduate degree and the school is like... an hour and a half away from here. I don't know if I could handle it as a commute, but I don't think they will let me tele-commute or even learn via internet. I really need to do something though. Unfortunately, the university here in town specializes in engineering and agriculture. I hate small town America. I've even been considering trying to go across the river to Iowa for school, but Dubuque has a whole crapload of nothing.

I don't know if I would recommend a music degree to anyone, if they asked. I understand the passion and the love, but in this country, you NEED a paycheck. Hanging out on public assistance is really frowned upon and your value as a citizen correlates directly with how much money you can make. I hate that we can't just up and move. I hate that. I understand that the boy-child needs stability and I'm trying to provide that for him. I just need to find a way to express myself. I really need that. I don't have the education or resources necessary to do a major research project on some kind of music topic. There is a part of me that wonders if it would be possible to help out at the high school, but I feel so badly shattering the dreams of the kids who really don't have what it takes to be professional performers. They could easily teach, but some of them... I'm kind of appalled at their teacher for encouraging them so much instead of guiding them.

But I digress. Eventually, I'm going to have to figure this out. I just really don't know if I want the answers.