a rant about someone I never knew

Holy crap do you piss me off sometimes! Your claim that everyone else around you has changed in the last 10 years and that you've stayed the same is completely laughable! Why would you be proud to claim that your development as a person has stagnated?! Who would be proud of that? And the fact that you feel the need to respond to every little thing that everyone says lately just pisses me off beyond all belief.. not to mention your public declaration that I'm a whore because you spent 2 months persuing me without even asking me about my relationship status!!!! Sorry if I figured it was something you needed to get out of your system and that I wanted to just ignore the come ons and try to maintain our friendship. What the hell is wrong with you!? I admit I'm foolish. I've never claimed to be the fully evolved person that you seem to think you are. Yes, I'm constantly changing and yes I make mistakes over and over again sometimes, but that gives you no right to call me a whore. Maybe I should have told you to bugger off months ago, or maybe I should have just said "hey, not interested go bark up some other tree", but I wanted to be sensitive to what you were going through. Sorry for considering your feelings there... I'll be sure to never do that one again.

Oh, and your choice to call me psychotic because I suffer from severe major depression was just fantastic too. Seriously. If you had any idea what happens with depression, you might be able to dig yourself out of your archaic belief structure and realize that not everyone who has depression is bipolar and not everyone who has depression ignores their medication like your ex did. I take my meds. I have bad days... as opposed to bad weeks, months, years. I work everyday on getting better and trying to make my life work for me, and for you to tell me that because of my depression I'm basically toxic and selfish cause I want to be friends with you and at one point wanted more than that is just plain cruel. I can't completely fix this, but I try, every day. I try to appreciate something. I cannot believe you had children and shared a life with someone who suffered from this and came out with that kind of perspective. Did you even try to help her, or was it "damn she's bitchy today... must be pms"? I'm sick people looking at me and my "disease" or "condition" like it's something they'll catch or that I'm to be pitied for it. Sure I have days where I don't want to get out of bed and I want to disappear and I want to just die, but you know what? I haven't cut myself in months and I haven't attempted suicide in 4 years now. I've been medicated for 2 years pretty consistently and I don't think you have a right to shine a spotlight on my "deficiencies" until you've done the same for yourself. I could point them out... they're clear as day.

You care more for your bong than you ever did your family and your obsession with your own personal fable gets in the way of your ability to be the "man" your son so desperately needs. You claim your daughters are bitches... what kind of father says that about his girls?! Maybe if you had been there it wouldn't have been an issue. Just because they grew into the type of girls who don't share your core beliefs doesn't make them any less wonderful. Instead, you claim their money-grubbing and they learned it from their crazy mother. Please, if you had contributed to the household, they wouldn't have had to help the mother with the skrimping and saving so that you could have your pot and non-profit press. All you ever do is look at the faults of others and assume that you're so far above them and try to rip them down, when in my opinion and belief, we should all just be trying to better one another in an attempt to reach some kind of utopian society.

I've spent years saying, oh, that's just the way he is and that's fine, but you know... you crossed a pretty big line tonight when you tried to tear down the one person who's always attempted to defend you. I may not have always agreed with you, but I defended you because you were important to me. But now? Your battles are your own. I'm done being your "cheerleader". I'm not going to join the masses and say that you're an asshole at ever turn I get, but I'm sure as hell not going to jump to your defense when it starts happening again. Maybe I have changed, but I'd rather be evolving and changing and trying to better myself than trying to tear others down in order to feel better about the crappy situation I find myself in.

I know you're never going to look back on this in sorrow. You're going to twist and wind this around in your brain to make it seem like I attacked you, but I know the truth and to be honest, I've been dealing with Logan half as long as I've known you and by now, I've learned to ignore the manipulation. I don't hate you. I pity you and feel generally sad for you because someday you're going to wake up very lonely and will want to reach out to others and will find that no one is there for you.

Life moves so quickly...

I can't seem to stop and think. What am I going to do?

I miss you already

It's silly. She's only been gone for 2 hours, and I'm already lonesome for her. She's my best friend and I'm so proud of her for graduating. She's such an amazing young woman and I am incredibly proud to be her best friend. I can't even begin to describe her. Of course I think she's beautiful inside and out and is intelligent. She should have graduated summa cum laude, but didn't because she didn't have 64 credits at the school. *sigh* I wish everyone in the world knew how wonderful she is.

Granted, she's not the only one I'm going to miss. Agie's going. Perky's going. Whitney's going. *sigh* I'm going to miss you all so much.

Thinking about stuff

I know I shouldn't be surprised. I really really shouldn't. Time and time again, I've offered Logan time with his son, and time and time again, he rejects it. I know he hates me. I get that, I understand... and hell, most of the time, I reciprocate it, but don't take it out on that sweet little boy. I offered him time during Liam's summer break (two weeks) and offered him time over the choir tour and I offered him time over Liam's fall break in September and even most of his birthday weekend... but no. The week for choir tour was rejected barely before I got the words out. I gave him a deadline of April 30th for the rest of the breaks... and since I was in the hospital having my gall bladder out, he ended up with a 5 day grace period. Why is it so hard for him to be a daddy?

When I married him, I really thought that his was it. That this was going to be the love story of my entire life and the greatest thing I'd ever a part of. It might not have been the love story I thought I was going to get, but I embraced and thought maybe for once I'd find out that there are families that don't break and there are couples who can withstand anything because they're devoted. I wanted to give that to Liam, because he deserves it. he's this amazing wonder creature that somehow, I made... and he deserves everything this world has to offer. I don't care if he wants to be a circus juggler, because if he wants to be, he'll be the best one in the entire history of the world. Who wouldn't want to be his father? Who could possibly turn their back on that?I guess i'm thinking about it, because last week, when I was facing my surgery, I was scrambling to find someone to take care of Liam while I was naked and unconscious on a surgical table. I called Logan and he told me that as Liam's custodial parent, it was my responsibility to care for him, not Logan's. He told me that his only responsibility to Liam existed when Liam was with him and no time outside that. I have people, I could have called... but as rare as complications with this surgery are, I was still worried, that if something happened to me, who was going to take care of my baby?

If he didn't want the responsibility, why did he marry me? Why did he promise me things he couldn't deliver? Why did knowingly impregnate me? If I didn't need the child support as badly as I do, I would tell him Liam wasn't his. I would beg him to give up parental rights and to leave us alone forever. The more I look at all of this, the more I realize that my marriage isn't over. He's still hurting me, only now, he's doing it by hurting my baby. This won't be over until I'm out of Iowa... I want out.. I want my degree though and I can suffer through one more year... but right now... I'm hurting. I'm tired of him and his home-wrecking slut getting to be neglectful to my baby. I'm tired him trying to get Liam to call her "mommy".

Right now, I feel like I've fucked up my life royally and that I'm doing nothing right. I hate my life right now.

Lost

I keep screwing up left right and center. Everything is just happening so quickly and I don't know what to do. I'm cutting again... and to be honest.. it feels amazing. I hope I never stop again. I really hope that. The only reason people don't like it is because it's taboo. It's frightening to them because they choose not to understand it. I'm tired of people acting like I'm insane for acting on my impulses. It's no more damaging than binge drinking or smoking.. it's just more obvious when it comes to the damage I'm inflicting.

hmmm

I'm lost right now. I don't want to listen to anyone but me, but everyone keeps throwing in their opinions. What I want... 

Steve

more children

my degree done next spring

a moment each day to myself to not freak out

Logan to make up his mind about Liam

what everyone else wants for me

Adam

no more kids

me to move to Appleton

spend every moment of every day doting on Liam

Logan to make up his mind about Liam.

Only one thing on those lists match up. Right now.. all I really want is to drown myself in a bathtub as I watch everyone around me drown in the bliss of marital happiness. I'm not qualified to be in a relationship. I'm not supposed to have my happily ever after because there is no happily ever after for me. I'm supposed to go through life and accept what people tell me is supposed to happen. I just don't know what's wrong anymore. I just want people to be happy for me and to stop trying to change me. I want to be able to grow and be myself and be unfettered and I want people to encourage that. Sadly, that's not enough for anyone. So, now I just wish that I either had the courage to tell the world to fuck off, drop Liam on Logan's doorstep and run off in the world and disappear, or just to surrender myself to my life's inevitable conclusion that is suicide. I at least hope that when it happens I've at least accomplished something... that my death will be lamented a little. *sigh* 

Letters

Dear Logan,

What the hell? Why did you marry me? You never treated me like your wife. I think you married me because you didn't know what else to do, I know I married you because I didn't want to embarrass you by dumping you at the altar. I should have. *sigh* I just hate you. I really do. I wish I could like you, but honestly... it's never gonna happen. There isn't a day that goes by where I don't wish I had never met you. *sigh* I hate you.