dealing

I'm not exactly the poster child for dealing, but I've honestly been digging through things and forcing myself to deal with things that have happened. My usual defense mechanism is sarcasm. I use it to push people away when they get too close and it has cost me dearly. But I'm tired of it all. I've been making myself miserable this way and I need to deal with a lot of crap so I can finally let it go. The thing that bothers me is not really having anyone who can be supportive about this. I need to do it alone though and I realize that. It's just daunting and unfamiliar. No one else experienced it though, so how can I expect them to understand?

I've been more social because of all this. I'm realizing just how special I am and how much I deserve the happiness I'm chasing. I will have the life I've dreamed of and no one can stop me from achieving it. I can only hope that they'll want to come along for the ride (in the figurative sense - I've already screwed over people by trying that literally). I am worthy of my dreams and I do deserve it. I just have to stop sabotaging myself.

got a case of the crazies?

So I was chatting with my roommate and turns out that the government within my state is attempting to remove some psych mess from their Medicaid coverage list. Now I'm not exactly thrilled to find out my Abilify might be removed from my list cause it's kind of a miracle drug for me. A year ago I was a complete mess and with its addition to my meds I am proud to say I'm well adjusted for the first time in my entire life.

The thing that was the straw that broke the camel's back last year was the break up with S. I won't give it all the credit though. Turns out my mother and Logan get the lion's share of the blame. So what happened? I went a little bat shit and ended up in a psychiatric intensive outpatient program that in all reality saved my life. I learned coping mechanisms that my mother should have taught me and made some amazing friends who I love immensely. I know a lot of people who believe this was a horrible and traumatic experience for me, but that's the thing: it wasn't. I learned things, I gained confidence and I was forced to accept my condition and the realities of it. It was exactly the experience I needed.

I guess what bothers me most is that so few people bother to really understand mental illness. It's generally greeted by the masses with a great deal of fear that is unwarranted in most cases. I take my meds and sure sometimes they stop working, but I definitely try to avoid that and accept that that's just part of the whole condition. I just wish I had more people in my life who understood all of this and who want to be supportive.

hazy shade of winter

Winter is coming too goddamn soon. I got up for work this morning and went out with a wet head only for my first words to be: fucking Christ. I hate winter. Oh well though. I have a Christmas concert I'm looking forward to performing in and a week without the child that should be awesomesauce indeed. So I spent the day working with some pretty decent people. N. and B. made the day worth having gone in.

In other news I have the cold of death that I'm currently fighting off, courtesy of S. and his tendency to incubate plagues this year. Speaking of which, things with he and I are going pretty well. I'm happy this far so I'll just keep going wig it for now. I'm not used to all this optimism stuff but it is starting to poke its head out. Go me, right? Right now I'm listening to him working on learning the whole of Stairway to Heaven and things just feel so normal and not strained like I've been so worried about them being. This is how it should have been.

It's June..

I've never really been one for June. My marriage fell apart in June. I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes and was put on the world's most mundane diet ever in June. I was emotionally screwed around with in June. I just don't really enjoy June. Sure... Steve and I got back together-ish in June though. But I find that I get moody in June. Especially now that I have friends who are all getting married or getting pregnant and I honestly feel completely left out. I know Steve's supposed to be moving down soon, but it feels like forever away and honestly there are moments where I doubt the whole situation and sit at home thinking that I was just kidding myself when I decided to give a long distance thing a shot. I ponder about old relationships and wonder if I will ever get over Logan or if I'll ever stop wanting to be this object of desire for Homer, Adam and Jon. I wonder if this is even fair to Steve. If I shouldn't put everything on hold for a while so that I can take a deep breath and make sure that I'm not screwing anyone over - especially Liam and Steve. I love them both, but the odd thing is, I feel guilty that I don't love Steve as much as I love Liam. I know it's normal. And the other thing is, when does Logan leave my daily thoughts. Yes, he angers me more than any person on the planet would ever dare to, and most of the time I feel my hatred for him more strongly than anything else, but at the same time... I love him. I hate that I love him. I hate that I get an excited feeling mixed in with my dread when I get whenever I get an email from him or I know he's coming to get Liam. He's a horrible horrible man, but I can't help how I feel. Sara's coming this weekend, so I'm sure this will be dissected and soforth until I feel normal again.

The other thing is... I'm sick of having my period. Seriously. I got the IUD put in and I was all excited cause the lady said I might even stop having my period with this thing in. But no. I bled for 3 weeks last time and now after a week off, I'm back to bleeding again. Seriously. If I'm going to bleed like this, I want the baby that usually accompanies crap like this.

Weird weird weird dreams

So the last three nights I've had the weirdest dreams of my life... or so it feels. Last night I dreamt that my brother encouraged me to start dating one of his friends from high school, who I was never really all that attracted to. It was awkward and the crowning jewel of the dream was when my mother compared me to her last husband... the one she refers to as "the biggest mistake of my life". wow. At least even in the land of dreams I had the sense to be hurt and pissed at her for the comment.

Then the night before I have an exceedingly creepy dream in which I'm fooling around with my mother's boyfriend behind her back. Yeah, she starts to suspect something and just before she accuses me of something I run away to.. well god knows where and she sends a creepy leprechaun to chase me down and kill me. At which point I sudden decide I'm Irish catholic and start wondering if I'm going to go to hell. Jesus.

And then the night before that, I dream that my maternal grandparents are a pair of child molesting kidnappers. What the hell?

In the first place, my mother's boyfriend is no catch in my eyes. He's an arrogant fuckwit who thinks the world revolves around him and treats her like crap. I believe she could do much better and would not romantically touch him with a 35 foot pole. I'm seriously disturbed about this... but seeing as how all of these dreams have something to do with my mother, I'm moderately concerned as to what they mean. Hmmmm

I've been thinking a lot lately..

Ever notice how as you grow up, the girls you know transform into these incredibly strong and opinionated young women? It's the case for me. My childhood friend, Ebony, and I grew from being each other's better half to being strong women looking forward to the world ahead of us. But as love has entered both of our lives, I've seen how love compromises the independence we've manifested. It's not just the both of us, it's all of my childhood girlfriends. We all soften ourselves so that these men don't feel intimidated by our strength. Which begs the question, why? Why do we compromise our strength for these people who are supposed to love us as we are. I spent five years being so passive and submissive that I lost myself. I've learned from that girl I was and I taught her how to stand on her own two feet again. I see these women who I knew as girls compromising their strength and independence for a man who couldn't possibly understand the strength that lies within her. Like those deep glacial rivers that carve out continents, their strength and power lies deep within them, but is rarely seen.

I suppose I'm lucky. I have someone who was raised by a strong woman, and thusly isn't all that frightened by me when I become assertive. Oddly enough, he seems to like it when I tell someone to shut up because I'm annoyed with them. I know my strength comes from my mother, who is the strongest woman I know and who has bigger balls (figuratively speaking of course) than any man on the planet. I swear to God if you gave my mother 5 minutes with Osama bin Laden, not only would he be apologizing for being an asshole, but he'd be crying about it while doing it. Then again, she has mastered the WASP guilt trip.

Well... that's enough pontification for now.

Depression Stigmata

I'm really tired of how people look down on people with depression. It hurts. No one on this planet ever chooses to be depressed. It's not like we get up in the morning thinking, hey! I'm gonna be super depressed today and it's gonna be fabulous, cause honestly, if we thought like that, depression would make us happy, which would ruin the whole depression thingy. Just a thought.

Seriously, it's not a choice and I'm sick of people automatically assuming that I'm hiding behind it. There are days that I physically cannot get out of bed because I'd rather just imagine ways of killing myself than going to a class and wishing I were dead. Or hell, even those ever pleasant days where I suffer from insomnia because of my depression and then go a week just sleeping all the time. I hate the burden that places on people around me, and I'm not happy with it, but it's the way things go sometimes. I try to make it better, and I suppose on some level I'm doing better. It's been over 6 months since I last cut myself and it's been 4 years since I last attempted suicide. I'm just sick of people hatin' on me because of something I can't control.