If there was no you

This is something I think about a lot... what if I had never met the people who affect me so greatly day to day or even the ones who I wish now I had never met even though they used to be my favorite people. How would my life be different. If I had never come to Des Moines, I would never have had L. I never would have gone to SimpCo, I never would have found out about so many bands, I would never have met the bff, I would have had such a different life. Sure there are days where I curse having had L so young, but God I love the little booger. If there had been no L, I would still be the same spoiled bitch I used to be. I'm proud of the woman I've become. I'm a strong bitch and proud of it. I have very little problem getting in someone's face when the situation requires it. That's not to say I'm not polite. I'm terribly polite and always trying not to step on people's toes, but if provoked, I will get mean.

I don't know why I'm writing about this.. perhaps just to get writing.. I've had writer's block the last couple days - hence why things have been a little quiet lately. I don't know what to write about... I could expound on my beliefs on controversial topics such as euthanasia... totally pro by the way... but that could politicize my blog and I don't want that. Let's just say I'm liberal and leave it there. Ah well...

I found my study schedule for grad school today and looked at it... I am so far behind on it. I'm just finishing up chapter 17 in my Grout and I should be on Chapter 33. Yikes... better get crackin'

Save Me

Well, J and I talked. I'm not nearly as hurt. Maybe just a little, but that will pass. It wasn't really smooth since he figured we had broken up... *sigh* I hate that people equate a break with a break up.

Today is our 6 month point... I hope for a drama-free 6 months to follow. It's exhausting. I wish I had more to say today, but I really don't. It's been a quiet day since I came home from J's (I slept over), and I'm home alone since S and L are at the library. I took a nice long nap too. I had to catch up on some sleep. I was up all night thursday into friday because J and I had quarrelled and then spent yesterday arguing some more and sobbing all afternoon thinking that I had lost him. *sigh* the bad side of relationships can kiss my arse.

The Damage In Your Heart

*sigh* So, I think J and I are on a break. Not a break up, but a break. I've been crying all morning. All I wanted was to meet him for coffee. I got up early so he wouldn't have to go through his daughter's surgery alone. I picked out a dress that he once said I looked pretty in. I showered, I shaved my legs, I put on a perfume he likes. I texted him I was ready when he was. No answer. So I went to the coffee shop thinking maybe he was already there. I texted him again when I got there, and nothing. I waited 20 minutes, ordered my coffee and left to run errands. I had gotten less than 3 miles away and he calls asking where I am. I told him I had just left the coffee house and he was at my house.. or leaving it. I don't know why he got angry. I really don't. I didn't do anything wrong. He hung up without even saying I love you. At least he said good-bye. I texted and apologized for his being angry, but I was hurt and didn't word it right as usual. I suggested he take a break from me because he hasn't been happy with me for a while now. I just want him to be happy and if that's without me, fine. I wish he'd just put me out of my misery though. I'm tired of feeling like the only thing I can do right for him is sexual. I get that he's mad at me about my "friend" trying to kiss me. I didn't do anything wrong there either. I took care of it. It won't happen again and that's that. But I feel like he thinks something more happened. He grilled me about it last night and when I got frustrated and asked him what he wanted to know he got angry. *sigh* Maybe he thinks I wanted it. Maybe he thinks I encouraged it. Maybe he's lumping me in with his ex. I don't know. I'm scared ask now because I'm afraid he's going to get angry with me about it. I want him. I want him forever, but if he really doesn't want me he's got to cut me loose cause I don't think I can walk away. But I'm tired of hurting. This past month has been nothing but hurting. He pulls away and I don't know what to do. I just sit and wait, hoping it will get better. Does he want it to?

Secrets

Yeah, sorry, I don't have any secrets to share... i just really like the song. So, J and I talked. To be honest, it was fabulous, but I must admit, for the most part, I'm on board with his "no friends of the opposite sex" idea. I'm not worried about the guys who are gay, or family or even colleagues, but obviously the married ones aren't exactly trustworthy. *sigh* what a butt head he is. I'm not even including his initial cause I don't think it's worth it. That and you don't need to know. I told his wife last night... I had to. She was surprisingly not pissed at me. I really thought she would be. Thankfully not. I don't know what's in store for them and it's none of my business, but I worry about her. However, no more male friends that don't meet the aforementioned criteria... I love J far too much to put our relationship in jeopardy like that. I trust myself, but I don't want to be put in that position ever again.

I've spent my afternoon at a coffee shop studying. It's nice. I'm finally through the French Baroque and am plowing through the English stuff. I'm onto one of my favorite composers... Henry Purcell.. I call him Hank. No where near as attractive as Schubert, but hopefully much less syphallictic. Anyways... I had to text my brother for a reminder on what an upbeat meant... seriously.. I was right in my guess, but I feel like such an idiot not remembering something so simple. I'm a violinist for Christ's sake. I should remember that and upbeat means and up bow and that means... duh.. a pick up note. *sigh* It's okay. At least it's the little things that escape me and nothing enormous. I still know what Monophony is versus Monody and I still know what a nume is and even more, how to read them. What actually was fun today was relearning what is involved in a 17th C. French suite.. I mean, wow.. it's so similar to the German suite and reminds me strongly of the violin partitas I used to love playing so much.

I tried to play my violin the other day and ended up breaking an E string... *sigh* This kind of occurence used to not even phase me and now, it just seems like a hassle and a pain in the ass. Plus I couldn't find the piece I really wanted to play. I think I lost it in one of my many moves. It was the two Violin Romances by Beethoven. They're easier than his Concerto in D and might actually get me to practice up to being able to play it again. Well, one can hope. I'll just have to replace it, but damn... I never have the money to spend on music books anymore. Oh well... I can wait, or just dive into the Concerto head first and pray I don't drown. I love that piece fervently. My favorite moment in all music occurs in the Third Movement.. it gives me goosebumps and tears me up just thinking about it.. which I know is kind of silly, but I'm the type of person whose soul is just intertwined with music. I honestly can't seem to live without it and lately I've been indulging in it almost constantly. I love it. It makes me feel alive and maybe this is what my depression has needed most - a musical outlet. My voice is suffering from allergies right now and thusly I can barely sing, but my violin? Never have to worry about allergies. *sigh* I have to quit being lazy and just change that damn string... lol

Okay... study break is over... time to actually work again.. :)

Machine

I had a horrible day yesterday after my post. I can finally write about it because I finally talked to J about it. I met a friend for coffee. We had agreed to meet cause he had already done the grad school thing and I wanted to pick his brain. Turns out, despite knowing my relationship status, he wanted to kiss me and boy did he try. *sigh* I feel like it's all my fault, but I know I did nothing wrong when I politely dodged him and said that I didn't feel that way about him. He's been trying to call me all day to apologize... or at least that's what his voicemails have said. I've set his number to straight to voicemail when he calls. That friendship is so over... he's married for crying out loud. I keep wondering if I should tell his wife, but I don't want to be the cause of their marriage ending.. besides, she'd never talk to me again. *sigh* Oh well... I'm a good girl.. good girls tell.

Self Evident

I originally was going to be a violin performance major. I poured my heart, soul and every emotion into my violin and was actually quite talented at it. I auditioned for a couple schools when college time came, but didn't make it. I was so wholly crushed by that. Especially after a former instructor at Drake University told me that I didn't have enough talent because I hadn't been studying privately since age 3. I still hate that man for stomping on my dreams. I rarely play my violin nowadays. I guess on some level I'm scared of it. Scared of getting my hopes back up only to have them smashed to pieces. I know I can sing. I've got a gorgeous voice that few people have and I know it and what's more, I appreciate it. I won't squander my talent by sitting behind a desk forever, I will get up on stage and perform and share the talent that God gave me when I was created. Not to mention that there's a huge amount of joy that comes through my entire being when I sing, play piano or even violin. A joy that on occasion makes me weep at its beauty. To do anything else would be a betrayal of not only myself, but my talent. I keep trying to find something that's good enough in the meantime, but it all feels so empty and meaningless. I want to do something that affects people. I want to move their souls and their emotions. I take the baroque doctrine of affections very seriously. I just have to learn to be less self conscious and more willing to lose myself in the roles I play and in the music I sing. My voice teacher always told me she hated to turn music into a business for me because she saw how very much I loved it... but it is work too now. I don't hate it though. It makes me so happy just to listen to something as simple as a Lied...

Today, I'm listening to classical instrumental pieces. It makes me long for my violin in a way I usually forget when I don't have the time to actually sit down and enjoy a piece of music. I'm happy today thanks to Beethoven... the most cantankerous man in the history of music.

Losing Heart

It's 3 am and I'm not exactly lonely... hahaha. Sorry, it was there, right? It really is 3 am and I'm awake from a phone call from J. Tonight has been such a reassuring night. I don't really know how else to put it. I was convinced he was pulling away and edging out of the relationship and boom! all the sudden we have a night where everything clicks again and it feels natural without a hint of it being forced. I know it's going to take a while to fix this. It took a while to crack it in the first place. I'd say a good month of not really talking deserves a month of non-stop conversation.

To say I'm insecure about my place in his life is an understatement. I'm so used to people walking away that it's hard for me to believe that he doesn't want to. I've always been a bit of a loner because of that and I'm pretty okay with that. Unfortunately, it's not exactly working for me, so change must occur. I hate change. Seriously. I fight it like none other and if I would just put that same effort I put into resisting change into adapting to it, I probably would be much more... happier. (Gimme a break, it's 3 am and I'm bleary-eyed ish) I keep trying the take a deep breath method whenever I get the knee jerk reaction to run away from things and thus far it's working. I'm a runner and I need to knock that shit off. No one on this planet is going to be perfect - we all have our flaws - but that doesn't mean there isn't someone out there who is perfect for me and from what I can tell, J is. I could even go so far as to say, he might even be my destiny. I know I can learn from him and I hope he can from me.

I don't know what else to write, so for now, I'll say good-night. Today might be one of those "blog twice in one day" days... I know, right? How self-indulgent can I get?! :)