Lost

I keep screwing up left right and center. Everything is just happening so quickly and I don't know what to do. I'm cutting again... and to be honest.. it feels amazing. I hope I never stop again. I really hope that. The only reason people don't like it is because it's taboo. It's frightening to them because they choose not to understand it. I'm tired of people acting like I'm insane for acting on my impulses. It's no more damaging than binge drinking or smoking.. it's just more obvious when it comes to the damage I'm inflicting.

hmmm

I'm lost right now. I don't want to listen to anyone but me, but everyone keeps throwing in their opinions. What I want... 

Steve

more children

my degree done next spring

a moment each day to myself to not freak out

Logan to make up his mind about Liam

what everyone else wants for me

Adam

no more kids

me to move to Appleton

spend every moment of every day doting on Liam

Logan to make up his mind about Liam.

Only one thing on those lists match up. Right now.. all I really want is to drown myself in a bathtub as I watch everyone around me drown in the bliss of marital happiness. I'm not qualified to be in a relationship. I'm not supposed to have my happily ever after because there is no happily ever after for me. I'm supposed to go through life and accept what people tell me is supposed to happen. I just don't know what's wrong anymore. I just want people to be happy for me and to stop trying to change me. I want to be able to grow and be myself and be unfettered and I want people to encourage that. Sadly, that's not enough for anyone. So, now I just wish that I either had the courage to tell the world to fuck off, drop Liam on Logan's doorstep and run off in the world and disappear, or just to surrender myself to my life's inevitable conclusion that is suicide. I at least hope that when it happens I've at least accomplished something... that my death will be lamented a little. *sigh* 

Letters

Dear Logan,

What the hell? Why did you marry me? You never treated me like your wife. I think you married me because you didn't know what else to do, I know I married you because I didn't want to embarrass you by dumping you at the altar. I should have. *sigh* I just hate you. I really do. I wish I could like you, but honestly... it's never gonna happen. There isn't a day that goes by where I don't wish I had never met you. *sigh* I hate you.

I wish I knew what to do..

I can't escape this feeling that what happened with Logan really was my fault. I just don't know. The other thing... and this is just completely weird... I've become so accustomed to my depression and feeling like there's no light at the end of the tunnel, that when I'm not depressed, I miss it and wonder what's wrong with me. I become self destructive in an attempt to recapture the feelings of depression that are alluding me. Seriously, how fucked up is that? Who could possibly miss depression... *sigh* I wish I knew what's wrong with me. I know my life is fantastic and for the most part, I actually feel that. so... why the hell do I want to be depressed?

phantom pain

I've been gone for a week now and I miss S. so much it hurts. I can't sleep without him. I want him here.

I've been doing a lot of reading lately to try and forget that I'm pining but that barely works... *sigh* I don't know if I can handle another year of this.

I give up.

Logan, you win. I am a worthless pile of shit and you were right to get rid of me. The more and more I look at myself these days, the more I just want to play a rousing game of "drink what's under the sink". I've been cutting myself again... I've slammed my head against the wall.. 

I'm getting so close to just abandoning everything, giving Logan his child back and just disappearing. Maybe I will quietly start giving my things away. Selling off my books, pawning my jewelry and my violin... selling my dresses and dvd's... cd's whatever else I can find to sell to liquidate my entire life so that when my rotting carcass is found... well, at least no one will have to fight over anything. I'll be gone and my stuff will be gone and who the fuck cares? We'll have a jolly good funeral that will include logan (rightly) fucking his girlfriend on my casket and for the final act, pissing on my open grave. I'd be lucky if even my mother took the time off of work to come to some kind of funeral... granted she and dad would likely be more pissed off that I didn't have the life insurance to pay for the funeral costs. Fuck it... just stick me in a cardboard box and cremate me. Cheaper.. cleaner and my ashes could be thrown in a dumpster afterwards for some random bum to shit, piss and vomit on. I don't care, I'd be burning in hell anyways.

Fuck it. Just fuck all of this. Sure, I might feel better in the morning, but in a couple days, I'm gonna feel like shit again. So guess what, I just give up. I'll go to bed praying that I die, and if I do... I'll be so goddamned happy. If I don't.. guess that just proves that neither god, the devil nor my family or friends want me and it'll be time to go live in a cabin in the woods somewhere to be forgotten forever. No one will ever find me again, and thank god for that... I hate people.

As much as he says it's not my fault... I know it is. Something is wrong with me. Something that prevents him and he doesn't want to talk about it. I'm not pretty enough, smart enough... something. Thin enough maybe. I just don't know. He wouldn't tell me, cause he doesn't want to hurt me and with Logan I know it would have been because of another woman.. but this... Steve's not one to cheat, so it's me. *sigh* what the hell is wrong with me?