Breathe

It's been one hell of a week. Confusing emotionally, upsetting, and just exhausting. I started work this week and it went really well. I'm learning things, but I'm still scared that I'm not going to be able to do it. But the biggest thing that happened is that L's grandpa died. Not my dad... Lo's dad. I really loved D. He wasn't the most well-spoken man, but he was a sweet man who loved me like a daughter. L's been freaking out all week. I'm trying so hard to be there for him, but I'm just as upset. The confusing part is how much I want to be there for Lo. We've been divorced for 5 years next month and I still call him my husband. I still love him unconditionally, but I'm not IN love with him. I've learned my lesson to stay away from him, but knowing another woman is taking care of him and standing where I should be just pisses me off to no end. I don't know how people can be married more than once... I have so much trouble accepting that I'm not married anymore. I know I'm not, but I'm still scared I'm going to hell for having left him. He asked me to though, and I would have done anything to make him happy. *sigh* Doesn't help that he was abusive...

Because

Well, I've moved. Officially out of Iowa and into Wisconsin. I never EVER want to move again. It's such an awful stress basket that isn't necessary. The next time I move, it will be into a house that I intend to die in. And hopefully, no one will bail on me that time. Yeah, I had a helper all set up until she texts me a half hour before she was going to be there to say that she was too sick to help. I have trouble believing that. She set it up a couple of days before that she was getting sick and then told me she'd be there... *sigh* I hate being lied to. Especially by someone who's supposed to be my friend. Thankfully, S helped me out by leaving work, cause there is no way I could have done it on my own. I called her crying and begging for help..

I actually just left Iowa for the last time yesterday. Saying goodbye to S was so difficult. I dreaded it and I'm still waiting for it to sink in. I don't know if or when it's going to.

Someone Like You

Well, I have less than a week left here in Iowa. Thanks to my obsessive nature, my house is completely packed, except for a few choice items. I'm ready to be out of here, and I'm finally looking forward to it. I have a job now and a lovely home that I'll be moving into next Tuesday. Don't worry, I'll keep updating for my small audience.

Tonight Lo and I sat down with our boy and talked about how we're still a family and that he'll still get to see his dad even though we're moving 425 miles away. *sigh* L is so nervous about this move and I wish I could make it better for him. He's made so many good friends this year and I wish he could take them with him, but I trust in providence that he will make new friends quickly.

The only downside to this move (other than no longer living with S) is that our annoying neighbors got evicted last weekend and I don't even get to enjoy their absence. Granted, my other neighbors on the other side put on a damn good show today by screaming loud enough at each other for me to make out words. Golly. I am not going to miss these people. I'm not going to miss the bitchy pre-teen and teenaged girls who like to torture my child for fun either.

Anywho... that's about it for now.

Saul, Saul was verfolgst du mich?

This move is driving me insane. I haven't re-read my last entry to ensure no repeats, but I'm moving in 2 weeks. You really can't blame me... much. My entire life is all packed up. I'm waiting to hear on the apartment and I'm starting to freak out. I have only a few clothing articles left in my closet - most of which are work clothes. I have one pair of pajamas out, no books (oh I'll get to books next) or movies and just a few things left out. I just hope my move goes smoothly. I hope. I hope. I hope.
Books. Oh god am I ashamed. I read the Twilight Saga. I am so ashamed at how much I loved them. I am an intelligent, well educated woman and things like this should NOT hold any water with me. But God I loved it. I loved the whole story even though the writing was like a 5 year old had written it. It was so good. I let my inner 14 year old out and now she just wants more more more. So I'm renting the movies through Netflix and then I'm pretty positive I will want them for Christmas along with Harry Potter. *sigh* I hate being reminded that I am such a girl. But like my cousin reminded me, everyone needs a little junk food every now and then.

I've noticed an increase in the number of married men who are hitting on me. It went from none to 3-4 a week. I don't get it. I'm not interested and I would really like to know where they're getting the idea that I would be interested in saving them from the monotony of their marriages. I'm really not. I'll be friends with pretty much anyone, but I'm not going to be the woman who breaks apart a marriage or worse, a family. I just don't get it though. Yes, I have a thing for older men, but I didn't think I had to specify that they be single as well. I honestly believed that was a given. Unfortunately, I am like a lightning rod for the lecherous men of my current area. The one that upsets me the most is that one of them is a friend of mine from high school. I don't want to break up his marriage. He just had a baby for Christ's sake. I just want him to be a happy man with his new family and to watch from the sidelines. And the biggest issue with all of this is J. I'm not even available. I'm just in a long-distance relationship. It certainly doesn't mean I'm available in the slightest. I just wish these "outstanding" examples of manhood would just work on their marriages and making their wives happy instead of turning to me in the hopes that I will make things better for them only. *sigh*

I'm no Superman

It's autumn. 3 years ago I told my father to never contact me ever again. I'm about to move and he'll have no idea where I am. I like that. See, he's an alcoholic. He told me I should have been aborted or at least he let his wife say it. I don't know. It was in an email. I haven't heard from him though in the last 3 years. I have nightmares where he shows up at my house and demands that I let him in. I would never let him in. But, I have to admit, I miss him. This time of year is especially difficult for me because of this. He had been so good for so long that when he leapt off the wagon, I barely knew what hit me. I'm terrified of alcohol because of him. I worry about my brothers because of him. I worry about my child's future choices because of him. It's not fair. I lost my father figure when I was 15 and my grandpa died. I thought I had forged a relationship with my biological father that could possibly be somewhat normal. His sudden change over the course of a month... it felt like a punch to the gut. I was winded... for a long time.

Wake me up when September ends

I know I haven't written much this month. Truth be told, I'm so overwhelmed with what's going on that I don't know what to write. I may have found a place to live in Wisconsin, I have a job lined up, I'm way ahead of schedule in packing and I reserved the moving truck. It's all just so much and I don't know what to do to calm myself down. I spent a whirlwind weekend up north last weekend and it was so exhausting because it was so busy. I ended up sleeping all day on Monday. I felt awful calling in to work, but I couldn't possibly make it through the day without falling asleep at my desk. I'm finally rested though.

I'm kind of freaking out because I'm going to be losing my health insurance as of tomorrow. I don't know what the deal is. I've been calling and calling and calling to find out what's going on and of course no one calls me back. *sigh* So, hopefully I will be able to get this fixed. I hate bureauocracy.

I like you so much better when you're naked

Work is pissing me off. I've been busting my ass this week, trying to get things done, but does my boss care that I have class tonight? Oh hell no. He asked me which was more important, my class or my job. So instead tonight I'm working in place of going to class. I am NOT amused. I don't care what he says or asks or offers, I am not not not going to work on Friday. I am finally going home for the first time in nearly a year and I'm not going to have him ruin it. He can be as unpleasant as he wants.. I'll just ignore him. Okay.. rant done.