It's June..

I've never really been one for June. My marriage fell apart in June. I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes and was put on the world's most mundane diet ever in June. I was emotionally screwed around with in June. I just don't really enjoy June. Sure... Steve and I got back together-ish in June though. But I find that I get moody in June. Especially now that I have friends who are all getting married or getting pregnant and I honestly feel completely left out. I know Steve's supposed to be moving down soon, but it feels like forever away and honestly there are moments where I doubt the whole situation and sit at home thinking that I was just kidding myself when I decided to give a long distance thing a shot. I ponder about old relationships and wonder if I will ever get over Logan or if I'll ever stop wanting to be this object of desire for Homer, Adam and Jon. I wonder if this is even fair to Steve. If I shouldn't put everything on hold for a while so that I can take a deep breath and make sure that I'm not screwing anyone over - especially Liam and Steve. I love them both, but the odd thing is, I feel guilty that I don't love Steve as much as I love Liam. I know it's normal. And the other thing is, when does Logan leave my daily thoughts. Yes, he angers me more than any person on the planet would ever dare to, and most of the time I feel my hatred for him more strongly than anything else, but at the same time... I love him. I hate that I love him. I hate that I get an excited feeling mixed in with my dread when I get whenever I get an email from him or I know he's coming to get Liam. He's a horrible horrible man, but I can't help how I feel. Sara's coming this weekend, so I'm sure this will be dissected and soforth until I feel normal again.

The other thing is... I'm sick of having my period. Seriously. I got the IUD put in and I was all excited cause the lady said I might even stop having my period with this thing in. But no. I bled for 3 weeks last time and now after a week off, I'm back to bleeding again. Seriously. If I'm going to bleed like this, I want the baby that usually accompanies crap like this.

Weird weird weird dreams

So the last three nights I've had the weirdest dreams of my life... or so it feels. Last night I dreamt that my brother encouraged me to start dating one of his friends from high school, who I was never really all that attracted to. It was awkward and the crowning jewel of the dream was when my mother compared me to her last husband... the one she refers to as "the biggest mistake of my life". wow. At least even in the land of dreams I had the sense to be hurt and pissed at her for the comment.

Then the night before I have an exceedingly creepy dream in which I'm fooling around with my mother's boyfriend behind her back. Yeah, she starts to suspect something and just before she accuses me of something I run away to.. well god knows where and she sends a creepy leprechaun to chase me down and kill me. At which point I sudden decide I'm Irish catholic and start wondering if I'm going to go to hell. Jesus.

And then the night before that, I dream that my maternal grandparents are a pair of child molesting kidnappers. What the hell?

In the first place, my mother's boyfriend is no catch in my eyes. He's an arrogant fuckwit who thinks the world revolves around him and treats her like crap. I believe she could do much better and would not romantically touch him with a 35 foot pole. I'm seriously disturbed about this... but seeing as how all of these dreams have something to do with my mother, I'm moderately concerned as to what they mean. Hmmmm

I've been thinking a lot lately..

Ever notice how as you grow up, the girls you know transform into these incredibly strong and opinionated young women? It's the case for me. My childhood friend, Ebony, and I grew from being each other's better half to being strong women looking forward to the world ahead of us. But as love has entered both of our lives, I've seen how love compromises the independence we've manifested. It's not just the both of us, it's all of my childhood girlfriends. We all soften ourselves so that these men don't feel intimidated by our strength. Which begs the question, why? Why do we compromise our strength for these people who are supposed to love us as we are. I spent five years being so passive and submissive that I lost myself. I've learned from that girl I was and I taught her how to stand on her own two feet again. I see these women who I knew as girls compromising their strength and independence for a man who couldn't possibly understand the strength that lies within her. Like those deep glacial rivers that carve out continents, their strength and power lies deep within them, but is rarely seen.

I suppose I'm lucky. I have someone who was raised by a strong woman, and thusly isn't all that frightened by me when I become assertive. Oddly enough, he seems to like it when I tell someone to shut up because I'm annoyed with them. I know my strength comes from my mother, who is the strongest woman I know and who has bigger balls (figuratively speaking of course) than any man on the planet. I swear to God if you gave my mother 5 minutes with Osama bin Laden, not only would he be apologizing for being an asshole, but he'd be crying about it while doing it. Then again, she has mastered the WASP guilt trip.

Well... that's enough pontification for now.

Depression Stigmata

I'm really tired of how people look down on people with depression. It hurts. No one on this planet ever chooses to be depressed. It's not like we get up in the morning thinking, hey! I'm gonna be super depressed today and it's gonna be fabulous, cause honestly, if we thought like that, depression would make us happy, which would ruin the whole depression thingy. Just a thought.

Seriously, it's not a choice and I'm sick of people automatically assuming that I'm hiding behind it. There are days that I physically cannot get out of bed because I'd rather just imagine ways of killing myself than going to a class and wishing I were dead. Or hell, even those ever pleasant days where I suffer from insomnia because of my depression and then go a week just sleeping all the time. I hate the burden that places on people around me, and I'm not happy with it, but it's the way things go sometimes. I try to make it better, and I suppose on some level I'm doing better. It's been over 6 months since I last cut myself and it's been 4 years since I last attempted suicide. I'm just sick of people hatin' on me because of something I can't control.

a rant about someone I never knew

Holy crap do you piss me off sometimes! Your claim that everyone else around you has changed in the last 10 years and that you've stayed the same is completely laughable! Why would you be proud to claim that your development as a person has stagnated?! Who would be proud of that? And the fact that you feel the need to respond to every little thing that everyone says lately just pisses me off beyond all belief.. not to mention your public declaration that I'm a whore because you spent 2 months persuing me without even asking me about my relationship status!!!! Sorry if I figured it was something you needed to get out of your system and that I wanted to just ignore the come ons and try to maintain our friendship. What the hell is wrong with you!? I admit I'm foolish. I've never claimed to be the fully evolved person that you seem to think you are. Yes, I'm constantly changing and yes I make mistakes over and over again sometimes, but that gives you no right to call me a whore. Maybe I should have told you to bugger off months ago, or maybe I should have just said "hey, not interested go bark up some other tree", but I wanted to be sensitive to what you were going through. Sorry for considering your feelings there... I'll be sure to never do that one again.

Oh, and your choice to call me psychotic because I suffer from severe major depression was just fantastic too. Seriously. If you had any idea what happens with depression, you might be able to dig yourself out of your archaic belief structure and realize that not everyone who has depression is bipolar and not everyone who has depression ignores their medication like your ex did. I take my meds. I have bad days... as opposed to bad weeks, months, years. I work everyday on getting better and trying to make my life work for me, and for you to tell me that because of my depression I'm basically toxic and selfish cause I want to be friends with you and at one point wanted more than that is just plain cruel. I can't completely fix this, but I try, every day. I try to appreciate something. I cannot believe you had children and shared a life with someone who suffered from this and came out with that kind of perspective. Did you even try to help her, or was it "damn she's bitchy today... must be pms"? I'm sick people looking at me and my "disease" or "condition" like it's something they'll catch or that I'm to be pitied for it. Sure I have days where I don't want to get out of bed and I want to disappear and I want to just die, but you know what? I haven't cut myself in months and I haven't attempted suicide in 4 years now. I've been medicated for 2 years pretty consistently and I don't think you have a right to shine a spotlight on my "deficiencies" until you've done the same for yourself. I could point them out... they're clear as day.

You care more for your bong than you ever did your family and your obsession with your own personal fable gets in the way of your ability to be the "man" your son so desperately needs. You claim your daughters are bitches... what kind of father says that about his girls?! Maybe if you had been there it wouldn't have been an issue. Just because they grew into the type of girls who don't share your core beliefs doesn't make them any less wonderful. Instead, you claim their money-grubbing and they learned it from their crazy mother. Please, if you had contributed to the household, they wouldn't have had to help the mother with the skrimping and saving so that you could have your pot and non-profit press. All you ever do is look at the faults of others and assume that you're so far above them and try to rip them down, when in my opinion and belief, we should all just be trying to better one another in an attempt to reach some kind of utopian society.

I've spent years saying, oh, that's just the way he is and that's fine, but you know... you crossed a pretty big line tonight when you tried to tear down the one person who's always attempted to defend you. I may not have always agreed with you, but I defended you because you were important to me. But now? Your battles are your own. I'm done being your "cheerleader". I'm not going to join the masses and say that you're an asshole at ever turn I get, but I'm sure as hell not going to jump to your defense when it starts happening again. Maybe I have changed, but I'd rather be evolving and changing and trying to better myself than trying to tear others down in order to feel better about the crappy situation I find myself in.

I know you're never going to look back on this in sorrow. You're going to twist and wind this around in your brain to make it seem like I attacked you, but I know the truth and to be honest, I've been dealing with Logan half as long as I've known you and by now, I've learned to ignore the manipulation. I don't hate you. I pity you and feel generally sad for you because someday you're going to wake up very lonely and will want to reach out to others and will find that no one is there for you.