Pride and Joy

It's a Brandi Carlile day. I had the intention of including this in my last post, but it just seemed to lend itself to its own posting and rightly so. Last night I went out on my Valentine's Day date with my bugaboo. He was such a true gentleman. He pulled out my chair and seated me, told me I was beautiful and tried so hard to keep a conversation going with me by asking about how my day was. I am so proud of the young man he's so slowly becoming. It's nights like last night that I catch glimpses of the man he's going to be in 10 years from now and moments like that where I know I'm doing the right things for him and that I know that I will be just as proud of him then as I am now, if not more. I know he's only 7, but my God. He's such a loving, caring, intelligent and sensitive young man now, I get teary sitting in this coffeehouse just thinking about what a wonderful man he will be when he graduates from high school and goes to college. I can only hope that I have the ability to give him the world like I so very much want to. I know every mother says she loves her children and that she would do anything for them, but I believe in that sentiment with every fiber of my being. I would give L my very heart if he needed it because he is my very pride and every joy in my life. Somedays he is my very reason for going on. He is the person who taught me the very definition of unconditional love and the person I find the most amusing and interesting. I look forward to watching his story unfold and will always be proud of him regardless of the paths he chooses in the future. He could end up a drug addict, living on the streets somewhere and I will love him as much then as I do now and I will be just as proud of him. Thank you L for coming into my life and being my most loved person. I love you so much and I hope you know that.

The Story

I had the most wonderful Valentine's Day this year. I got to spend it with my sweetheart (J) and that was all I wanted. He gave me the most wonderfully precious gift and I can only hope he understands how very very much I love it. I nearly cried just looking at the glass heart shaped box he gave the actual present in - something that was so quintessentially me that I was utterly taken aback by it's perfect-ness. And that's not even the present... I make no secret of my love of butterflies. My favorite quotation is "Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly..." and is honestly the dictum I live my life by because oftentimes it feels like the world is ending for me and I received the most beautiful jeweled butterfly broach from him. I can't even begin to express how very much it means to me.

I'm not one for mushy sentimentality in a public forum, but here be the lyrics to today's song title.

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true...I was made for you
I climbed across the mountain tops
Swam all across the ocean blue
I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules
But baby I broke them all for you
Because even when I was flat broke
You made me feel like a million bucks
You do
I was made for you
You see the smile that's on my mouth
It's hiding the words that don't come out
And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed
They don't know my head is a mess
No, they don't know who I really am
And they don't know what
I've been through like you do
And I was made for you...
All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true...I was made for you

Fidelity

I'm a firm believer in fidelity. Maybe it's because I've been the one who was cheated on. But I was a firm believer before that too. Once I've made a commitment to someone, that's it. All other members of their sex are just... there. Not important in that special way. I've had a few friends who have tried to cross that boundary with me, and they're no longer my friends. I guess it all comes down to respect. If you respect the person you're with, you don't consider anyone else an option. If you respect your friends, you don't try to mess up what they have. It's kind of sad cause I'm down to only one man I can call my friend because of the lack in respect. I miss some of those who I've had to let go of, but they just couldn't respect my relationships of the past - which cost me a lot. Maybe not the relationship, but it certainly didn't help them at all. J is completely against opposite sex friends because of all of the above. I understand it, but I see the value of male friends as long as they remain just friends and as long as they can respect the boundaries put up around the relationship. Few people can do that nowadays though. And now that it's been brought to the forefront of my thinking, I'm worrying about it. Is this friend my friend because we get along and can talk about things without sex or anything sexual getting in the way, or is he my friend because he's waiting for the perfect timing to actually be with me in the biblical sense? *sigh* I rarely talk to him as it is, but golly is this making me think very seriously and hard about the nature of friendships. I know I don't keep him around for the purpose of having a back up. I'm not attracted to him as anything more than a friend. And ultimately, I know that the only person who I can control the actions of is myself, which then comes down to the question of do I trust myself? Of course I do. I have a very strong moral compass and get nauseous everytime I start down the path of something suspect. I follow my gut and my heart and it's not lead me astray yet.

I know that some people may wonder if I truly feel that way, especially when taking into account my marriage and past engagement. I can honestly say yes. From my marriage I got L. The sweetest, most generous little boy in the world and from my engagement I gained a lot of answers to questions I'd had since I was 15. From this new relationship, I'm already gaining things that are invaluable. I'm learning how a relationship is supposed to really work and that it's not as hard as everyone makes it out to be. I really love being with J. He loves me more for my mind than my body and that's the first time I've ever experienced that. It's more flattering than any compliment I've ever received. I'm not going to get into any detail though. Everyone needs a little privacy and that includes me. Just know that I'm a happy camper kiddos.

Onto other topics: ie the huge snowstorm that trapped me in my house for all of yesterday. Craptacular if I might say so. I had things I needed to get done, and being stuck in my house didn't help much with that. At least today the wind has stopped, the snow has stopped and it's all just clean up. There was huge snow drift up to my ears against my door this morning while the rest of the sidewalk was clean. Talk about a pain in the arse to clean up. Thankfully I didn't have to. Oh the joys of renting. :) L is home from school today and irritated with me cause I won't let him outside to play so we're catching up on chores. lol poor little guy. I've taken advantage of the day to finish my taxes though, so that is one less thing on my list of things to do. Thank God. I just don't understand people who wait. Why wait? Just get it the hell over with and enjoy knowing that you don't have to do it anymore. It's the one thing I can say with confidence that I NEVER procrastinate on. I love getting them out of the way. I can't really say I have anything else for today. Just relaxing with the kiddo once we finish up chores. :)