I keep trying to talk myself out of this.... separation with my mother. I know it's important and for the best, but I keep realizing that there are moments I'm going to miss out on and things I will never see again. I will still be able to see my grandma, but someday, when she dies, I won't be able to go to her funeral. If either of my brothers marry or have more children, I won't be there. Family reunions, not that I've been to any in recent history, are off limits too.
I remind myself that my immediate family wasn't really interested in me and that the love I have felt and extended, far exceeds anything I've received in return. How the hell does that work? I was asked today, why do [I] think that no one likes [me]. For the first time, I found a reasonable response. My family, the people who are supposed to love me regardless of anything (they don't have to like what I do or say, but they should at least love me), has never even liked me, so why should anyone else? I've been told, through actions, implications, and sometimes direct words, that I am an inconvenience, unimportant and unloveable ever since I was small. I've stated before that I believe I was conceived in an effort to repair my parents' floundering relationship and when that didn't work, I was given the blame. It's part of why I'm scared to have another child. I want one with every ounce of my body, but I don't know if it's a practical decision. I want it to be, but I don't want to risk becoming my mother. I know I have the ability to control that and perhaps this is the easiest and best way to do it.
I know this has been rather haphazard. Unfortunately, it's where my brain is now. It's like tipping over a bookshelf or a toy box. I'm trying to find order and reason in chaos and it's not working. *sigh*
No comments:
Post a Comment