hmmm

I'm lost right now. I don't want to listen to anyone but me, but everyone keeps throwing in their opinions. What I want... 

Steve

more children

my degree done next spring

a moment each day to myself to not freak out

Logan to make up his mind about Liam

what everyone else wants for me

Adam

no more kids

me to move to Appleton

spend every moment of every day doting on Liam

Logan to make up his mind about Liam.

Only one thing on those lists match up. Right now.. all I really want is to drown myself in a bathtub as I watch everyone around me drown in the bliss of marital happiness. I'm not qualified to be in a relationship. I'm not supposed to have my happily ever after because there is no happily ever after for me. I'm supposed to go through life and accept what people tell me is supposed to happen. I just don't know what's wrong anymore. I just want people to be happy for me and to stop trying to change me. I want to be able to grow and be myself and be unfettered and I want people to encourage that. Sadly, that's not enough for anyone. So, now I just wish that I either had the courage to tell the world to fuck off, drop Liam on Logan's doorstep and run off in the world and disappear, or just to surrender myself to my life's inevitable conclusion that is suicide. I at least hope that when it happens I've at least accomplished something... that my death will be lamented a little. *sigh*