Blood Roses

It's been a hell of a couple days. My depression has been getting worse and worse and my psych doesn't seem to give a shit about it. I want off of Effexor. It was a fantastic drug til it stopped working... now? I'm tempted to hurt myself and am, of course, occasionally suicidal. I can't fucking believe I'm back at this point... again. I'm trying so hard to hold it all together if for nothing else, my child. It's just getting so hard and God... exhausting. I can't think of anything more exhausting than all of this. I would rather give birth again than feel this way anymore... but then, this is more painful than childbirth. No offense to birthing mothers out there, but at least that pain stops.

I told my mother yesterday I wish God had given me an incurable cancer cause at least I would know that there was an end in sight. She was not amused, but sadly, it's so very true. I could handle a cancer far better than this stupid disease. I hate it. I hate that it makes me hate who I am. I hate that I can't just "be happy". I want that more than anything. I want to be happy.. I just don't know how. I'm so lost and so fucking tired. I just want to give up. *sigh*

oh yeah.. and I didn't get into grad school. Kentucky here I come...

Changes

It's been a difficult month to say the least. I lost a dear colleague to cancer and have been grieving that loss greatly. She was a fantastically talented, kind and funny woman and I will miss her greatly in years to come. My grieving process has kind of caused a rift between J and I. While we're trying very hard to repair it, I'm frightened that it's just not going to work and that there's too much damage there for it to work. I hope we can get back on track... but I know that there are two very strong willed people here that may want different things out of life.

I still haven't heard from UNI, which is insane because I should have heard 2 weeks ago. I've just taken to assuming that I'm not in, which stinks because I don't know if I can handle another year here in Des Moines. I have a lot of positive things going for me, but I hate my job and I miss academia so much. I just want to be embarking on the next stage so that I can acheive my goals and I hate hate hate being held back. I feel stifled and trapped here and I need to be able to experience my dreams at least trying to come true. I know that it won't be perfectly as I've envisioned (seriously, who gets to live in a penthouse apartment in NYC on an opera singer's salary unless they're Renee Fleming or maybe Anna Netrebko?), but I can still dream that it will be a partial accomplishment. I may not be a Renee or an Anna, but I can be just as successful as Barbara Bonney if I put my heart and soul into it. I lost my passion thanks to having it stomped on by RLL, but I've rediscovered it within myself. I may not have his endorsement, but who needs it? I have K's and had M's before she passed away. I can do this. I will do this and the world will see that I am STILL a force of nature to be reckoned with. I am Hera with Helen of Troy's beauty. :)