It's been a hell of a couple days. My depression has been getting worse and worse and my psych doesn't seem to give a shit about it. I want off of Effexor. It was a fantastic drug til it stopped working... now? I'm tempted to hurt myself and am, of course, occasionally suicidal. I can't fucking believe I'm back at this point... again. I'm trying so hard to hold it all together if for nothing else, my child. It's just getting so hard and God... exhausting. I can't think of anything more exhausting than all of this. I would rather give birth again than feel this way anymore... but then, this is more painful than childbirth. No offense to birthing mothers out there, but at least that pain stops.
I told my mother yesterday I wish God had given me an incurable cancer cause at least I would know that there was an end in sight. She was not amused, but sadly, it's so very true. I could handle a cancer far better than this stupid disease. I hate it. I hate that it makes me hate who I am. I hate that I can't just "be happy". I want that more than anything. I want to be happy.. I just don't know how. I'm so lost and so fucking tired. I just want to give up. *sigh*
oh yeah.. and I didn't get into grad school. Kentucky here I come...
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