The Trees on the Mountain

It was a rough start to the month. I was hospitalized again, but I got the med change I so desperately needed. I got out of the hospital and quit the job that was making me miserable and am looking into studying for my advanced CNA. I may not be able to handle the elderly population, but I sure as hell can handle babies and children. Ideally I'd get a job with the children's hospital here in town and work my ass off to save up money to go to grad school... or just to be able to hold my head above water.

So grad school... I don't know if I want to go anymore. I'm hesitating and feeling like maybe it's just not necessary anymore. Maybe I've done all I'm supposed to do with music. *sigh* I'm not going to lie and say that J has nothing to do with this ponderance. I am frightened of the possibility of losing him if I go. I don't want to be 2 or 3 states away from him when he's becoming such a huge part of my life. I love him so much. I don't even see it as giving up on my dreams. I see it as the possibility of exploring a new dream. But still... I'm too talented to just let it go like that though. I have such a desire and such a yearning to prove myself to not only the world at large, but myself as well.

I'm jumping around here, but that's mainly cause my brain is too. Med changes are a bitch though... I'm not nearly as sleepy as I was the first few weeks on my new meds, and I'm really happy about that. Unfortunately, my doctor has decided he's worried about my kidneys and is putting me on Ace Inhibitors... I don't know how I feel about it... mostly scared. He said that it was just to make sure they're protected early. *sigh* It's just been a hell of a month. Oh, and another person died... this time my great-uncle. I knew it was coming... cause these things happen in threes. So, Jessica, Maria and Herbie are the first three of the year. I hope there isn't another set of three.