One More Time with Feeling

I had an interesting experience at church tonight. It being Maundy Thursday we performed at services and it was a really interesting experience seeing it from a Jew's perspective instead of just a disillusioned Christian. I was embarrassed to have to refuse communion though. Usually I just sit in the pew and let the bread and wine pass me by, but this time we had to get up and go to it because we had to get up to the balcony. *sigh* the pastor looked so affronted when I refused to take the bread or wine. I just couldn't fake being a Christian for his comfort though. I had a lot of issues with the readings though, but that's only natural. I just really wonder if this job is going to get me sent to hell sometimes. But I sat there and endured the falsity of the "passion" story. Listened to the Jews be blamed for Christ's death and how Pontius Pilate wanted to save him, but we wanted him dead. Please. Pontius Pilate was fired from his position for killing too many people. Look it up. He would have had no problem killing Jesus and he sure as hell wouldn't have needed a reason. But since the Christians in ca. 70CE wanted to distance themselves from the Jews in Judea and have the Romans actually like them they pulled a PR move and glorified the one Roman in the story. The rest of it was done by the Jews. Seriously. I get so pissed off about it. It's unfair and what's worse is it's all fiction that has been fabricated as a PR move and then turned into a religion!! WTH! I just can't believe people bought into it. I'm willing to admit that the main characters probably existed, but it's like spring break stories. Most of the shit described didn't happen. *sigh*

I guess my religious disillusionment goes back to confirmation. I was in 8th and 9th grades and had so many questions and no one took them seriously. I questioned and questioned and questioned and no one offered answers. Now, I've had to find the answers for myself, or at least answers I can live with. I've found that so often in my life that I've had to supply the answers for myself even after asking "experts". Perhaps that's why I mistrust authority figures. I don't know.

I'm starting to fall into familiar behavior patterns though. Self Destructive ones. I'm a fool for thinking my psych. was wrong about me being Borderline. I'm just better at hiding it, I guess. Well not from the psych. He saw it probably right away. I'm not cutting though, which is a blessing. I'm just doing things I shouldn't. Such as emotionally eating. I hate doing it, and it's just a horrible habit, but lately it's just the only thing that is comforting me. Except this. Writing is helping so much. Just getting it out and letting it go.