aching to pupate

I'm feeling lost lately. Love life is fine. Better than fine. I'm just lost. I have no idea what I need to do with my life. I really want to follow through with all my dreams, I just lack the motivation. I think I'm just frightened of the unknown. I know most of the time, I'm cocky and so sure of myself when it comes to my future. I know that I can do it, but I'm afraid that the obstacles that screwed me over in undergrad will follow me to grad school. I hate my depression for that. I hate my father for what he did to me. And I hate L's father for his refusal to be a dad. At least it's not a burning hatred anymore. It's just annoyance. *sigh* Can I do this? What if my meds stop working again? What if I just can't do it? What if I'm not smart enough or talented enough? I'm so scared of being proven mediocre. I've always believed I was destined for greatness, but what if I'm not. Can I handle that disappointment? I have no one to really talk to about all this. J has way too much on his plate right now and I won't add to it. And S is just about ready to go crazy from being burnt out on her job. So I turn here to ask my questions to an empty audience. What am I going to do?

The other problem that is just weighing on me is my desire to expand my family. J and I are NOT ready for that, but I only have maybe 2 more years where that's a possibly safe option. After what happened with L's birth I'm lucky I'm alive. I ought to get a second opinion in all honesty, but after being told that it's not really an option after my 30th year, it's scary and wholly heartbreaking. I dreamed of a huge family. I wanted tons of kids because I have so much love in me to give. My mother keeps reminding me that they don't have to be biologically mine to be a family and that's true, but it's not the way I envisioned my future family... not entirely. I thought about being a foster mom, but after I was done having children. I even thought about being surrogate for people. But as time passes ever so quickly, so go my chances of carrying another child. I really never thought L would be my only kiddo. I really thought I'd have a couple more by now, but life intervened and I'm okay with that. I just... I hate watching one of my deepest most cherished dreams die. It hurts unbearably and I really wish someone understood instead of telling me I can adopt. I try to compensate by wanting a puppy or something that would need me just as much. L is getting older and in many ways doesn't need me as much. He needs guidance now and that is so rewarding, but I miss the hugs and the constant cuddling and the waking up at 3 am to take care of him. I'm lucky I have such a beautiful child and I'm lucky J has a beautiful child that I can love too. Watching a dream die is just horrible especially when I have nothing else to do but watch.