Changes

It's been a difficult month to say the least. I lost a dear colleague to cancer and have been grieving that loss greatly. She was a fantastically talented, kind and funny woman and I will miss her greatly in years to come. My grieving process has kind of caused a rift between J and I. While we're trying very hard to repair it, I'm frightened that it's just not going to work and that there's too much damage there for it to work. I hope we can get back on track... but I know that there are two very strong willed people here that may want different things out of life.

I still haven't heard from UNI, which is insane because I should have heard 2 weeks ago. I've just taken to assuming that I'm not in, which stinks because I don't know if I can handle another year here in Des Moines. I have a lot of positive things going for me, but I hate my job and I miss academia so much. I just want to be embarking on the next stage so that I can acheive my goals and I hate hate hate being held back. I feel stifled and trapped here and I need to be able to experience my dreams at least trying to come true. I know that it won't be perfectly as I've envisioned (seriously, who gets to live in a penthouse apartment in NYC on an opera singer's salary unless they're Renee Fleming or maybe Anna Netrebko?), but I can still dream that it will be a partial accomplishment. I may not be a Renee or an Anna, but I can be just as successful as Barbara Bonney if I put my heart and soul into it. I lost my passion thanks to having it stomped on by RLL, but I've rediscovered it within myself. I may not have his endorsement, but who needs it? I have K's and had M's before she passed away. I can do this. I will do this and the world will see that I am STILL a force of nature to be reckoned with. I am Hera with Helen of Troy's beauty. :)