I'm no Superman

It's autumn. 3 years ago I told my father to never contact me ever again. I'm about to move and he'll have no idea where I am. I like that. See, he's an alcoholic. He told me I should have been aborted or at least he let his wife say it. I don't know. It was in an email. I haven't heard from him though in the last 3 years. I have nightmares where he shows up at my house and demands that I let him in. I would never let him in. But, I have to admit, I miss him. This time of year is especially difficult for me because of this. He had been so good for so long that when he leapt off the wagon, I barely knew what hit me. I'm terrified of alcohol because of him. I worry about my brothers because of him. I worry about my child's future choices because of him. It's not fair. I lost my father figure when I was 15 and my grandpa died. I thought I had forged a relationship with my biological father that could possibly be somewhat normal. His sudden change over the course of a month... it felt like a punch to the gut. I was winded... for a long time.