Agnus Dei Op. 11 - Barber

I'm having an awesome day. Like a totally awesome day where very little has gone wrong. I got to work and rocked out the data entry in an hour and a half and then got to leave. I came home, started my laundry (which is now in the dryer), got L's laundry going too, practiced, settled on my audition pieces for DePaul and Illinois State... I'm giving up on Louisville. I could get in, but why would I want to? I'm considering putting in my application at UNI again too. I also talked with the nicest admissions lady at DePaul today about the requirements and I'm really getting excited about it. It's my #1 choice school. Not only does it have a fantastic program, but it also is right where I wanna be... near J in Chicagoland. I'm so excited. I'm also considering auditioning at Northwestern while I'm at it... I'm gonna be in town for the DePaul audition, might as well. :)

I am just so happy with the way life is going for me right now. I'm in a relationship that is finally RIGHT. I have no misgivings or fears and I know this is where I'm supposed to end up. I know it's silly and borderline scary, but I've been playing around with what kind of a wedding I want. I haven't done that in years. But at the rate I'm going, I'm gonna have this whole thing planned by the time he even gets around to proposing. I guess I've just been waiting 10 years for this to happen and it finally is and it's right and now I just want it to happen NOW. C'mon laugh, it's funny. I can be patient though.. I'm not exactly ready to get married tomorrow (there's way too much to plan!!), but guaranteed it's gonna be one hell of an event for the few lucky kiddos that get the invite. Is it wrong to not want little children there? I know I have a child, but save my nephews and him, I don't want any other kids there. I want it to be a fun, classy, grown up affair. I'm also being highly selective as to who gets to go to the wedding... the reception is another story. *sigh* I'm crazy for being this into wedding planning, aren't I? Granted I'm planning S's wedding and she doesn't even have a guy she's interested in much less dating. Maybe that's my calling... if this whole music thing crashes and burns, I'll be a professional wedding planner... they make some serious bank... and get to plan dream weddings with someone else's money!!! I think that would be a dream come true. lol Well, time to go, L is home from school!

Blister in the Sun

I have a friend who's not doing so well. I'm horribly worried about her and she's headed back to IOP. I met her there about a year and a half ago and I hate seeing her having a relapse. It's scary because I worry about her and her ability to stay safe, but also because I'm so empathetic I tend to go with people on their emotions. I'm happy right now and I don't want to fall down that rabbit hole. I guess I'm learning more about boundaries this way. It's just so hard to see her so upset and lost - I wish I could make it better, but I know there's nothing I can do except for what I am doing by listening to her and being as supportive as possible. Having been in that position many times in the past, I know how very much that helps, but there's the guilt of being a burden on one's friends that for me is just unbearable. I love her so much and am praying she makes it through this.

I'm also worried about L. He's convinced that he's the worst kid in the world and just plain stupid. It kills me to hear those things come out of my baby's mouth. I want him to feel wonderfully about himself, but I think he has inherited his mother's mental illness. Talk about guilt. S is urging me to get him into therapy ASAP and I'm so scatterbrained that I haven't made the call yet. I hate so much that the poor kid is taking after his mama and I can't do anything to make it better... I barely know how to cope and now my child needs me to model behavior for him and I can't. My poor baby. I can only guess how his father will react. I expect he'll only pull away further. *sigh*

Eet

Dating your best friend is just weird. I mean, there are obvious perks - you know them incredibly well and you don't have anything to prove, but I don't really know how to behave. I love him, but how much is too much? I don't call him too often, but I text him daily and instant message him every evening. I just don't want to be "clingy" or make him think that I don't trust him. I do. Implicitly. I know he loves me as much as I love him, he's just not very demonstrative about it and I am. But he lets me hold his hand in public and occasionally will put up with a quick kiss on the cheek. I love that he does that. I know it sounds odd, but he's just not very comfortable with pda and I try very hard to be sensitive to that. I'm the type of girl who believes in holding hands and if the moment is right, kissing in public. Anyways... I guess my point is that I really miss him. I've never been a fan of long distance relationships, but for him it's completely worth it because I know where this ends and I want to be there for it.

If I could turn back time

Work is pissing me off. I know in a way, I'm being paid a salary, but abusing that pisses me off. I've had to work from home every night this week except Monday night. I have to go in tomorrow on my day off too. *sigh* I'm working my ass off and I know it's appreciated, but I guess I'm feeling a little overused. I've been trying to unwind, and I know that I won't really get to this weekend since I have L's birthday party on Saturday to get ready for and clean up after... I hate feeling so rushed and pressured.

It doesn't help much that my neighbors have kicked up the crazy lately. I was taking a bath tonight and the douchebag next door starts pounding on my door and yelling at my window that I needed to come and answer the door. I didn't. It just annoys the hell out of me that he thinks HE can call the shots. I haven't the slightest clue what it was about, but I do make a point of avoid him at all costs. He looks like a douche, dresses like a douche, and sounds like a douche. Basically he's a slightly thinner, different looking Kevin Federline. Doesn't help that the neighbor guy is an abusive jackass. I've heard their fights next door. I'm not saying she doesn't play a part in their fighting, I'm just saying that his yelling shouldn't wake me up at 2 am out of a dead sleep. Not cool.

I need to get to bed... I have another early morning ahead of me. *sigh*

I wanna be sedated

I've been neglecting my blog horribly. I guess I just didn't feel like writing about the mundane. L's started school today and he's already having problems with the neighborhood kids. They decided to pick on him and he reacted by tackling the kid who started it. Then when he came in crying afterwards they continued to harass him by knocking on the door relentlessly, further upsetting him. I think it's time for him to go to therapy. I've been dreading it... it feels like it's my fault and like I've done something wrong. I know he gets his hyper-sensitivity from me. I hate that to be completely honest. I wish he had his father's easy temperment. I wish he could just make friends easily... He's invited 6 people to his birthday and only 2 have responded. The party is on Saturday and I hate seeing his "friends" reject him.

It scares me to be considering moving next spring when I know he's just not good with change. My poor little boy is so much like me and I'm so broken that I don't know how to fix me... how am I supposed to teach him coping skills when I don't have any? I feel like such a failure as a parent right now. I just want to protect him and I can't when he's at school. I can barely protect him at home. I wish the adults around here would just parent their children. What the hell happened to raising your children to be nice and kind and considerate of others? I've always tried to make sure that L understand that he's entitled to nothing but my love and that he has to earn his friendships through being nice and kind and considerate. Instead, now he's the one getting dumped on. I wish I knew what to do, but I feel so fucking helpless.

Work has been stressing me out too. The past two nights I've had to bring it home with me and I hate that. I want my evenings to be my own. Plus tomorrow, I have to go in early and I'll probably have to go in on Friday even though it's my day off. *sigh* I'm just exhausted right now. I'm also upset from missing J, which is kind of ridiculous. I'm trying to be detached enough where it's not a problem, but I'm just not that girl. I'm the kind that jumps into the pool without checking the temperature - regardless of whether or not it's a good idea. I guess I just want to know that I'm not the only one who is going all in. J's not one for a lot of words though. He's quiet and often I know what he's feeling or thinking, but I just miss him a lot tonight. This feeling will pass. I know it will, or at least it will lessen in intensity. I could use a coma about now. A nice long coma.

Butterfly

I've finally calmed down a little about everything with J. Thank goodness. I was starting to drive myself a little crazy. I'm still thrilled about it, but now it's a little more tempered. :) Last night S took me and L out for dinner for my birthday. It was fabulous. They even gave me a complimentary piece of chocolate cake (which I shared with everyone). Today we're going to the State Fair. Hopefully it will be as much fun as I think it will be. Last year was kind of a let down, but at least J was here. *sigh* I wish he were here this year too. It would be fun. There's a new delicacy this year - deep fried butter on a stick. I'm sorry but that sounds absolutely disgusting. I've never been depressed enough to eat butter and I hope to God I never am. But at least we'll be having fun. I'm actually kind of hoping that we can go a little early, but I'm debating dying my hair. Oh the tribulations of being a fashion diva. lol I wish I had more to write about, but I really don't. Things have really calmed down here for the most part. Liam starts school next week (thank GOD) and I keep plugging away at my job. I'm hoping to get out to Chicago in October during L's fall break. It would be a blast. We've been talking about taking L to the Field Museum. I think he'd really enjoy getting to see the dinosaurs and the other various things the museum offers. :)

Outside Looking In

The more time that passes since my Grandfather's death, the less I can remember about him. I can still hear his voice in my head, but his face is starting to blur and memories of early morning breakfasts with him are fading and yellowing with time. I miss him. I don't think there has been a day since Jan. 25th, 1999 that I haven't thought of him at least once. It's funny in a macabre kind of way - I remember thinking out the order in which I was ready for my grandparents to die and he was always last. He was the last person I ever wanted to die and yet, he was the first to go. I'm still not ready to live in a world where he doesn't. That's not to say I don't live my life to its fullest - that would be a travesty and an insult to his memory. I just find myself pausing quite often and thinking of how much I would love to share what's happening in my life. He'd be 83 now if he were still around. I know he's not my dad, but in so many ways he was. He was the man I grew up worshipping and believing he could do no wrong. He's the man I cuddled and watched movies with, drank rootbeer floats with and went for drives around the lake with. I still go for a drive around the lake every time I'm home just so I can keep up the tradition and pretend he's with me. I miss him every day and the pain of his death still stings to the quick at times. Like tonight.

My birthday week has been such a wonderful week - I've been calling it my birthday fortnight though since it's been stretched out over the last 2 weeks. I got to talk to J last night online for an hour. It was what I needed and I really miss him. Long distance relationships really do suck like none other, but with him I know it's worth the pain and lonesome-ness for him. I know what the end result should be and that's comforting. Granted, I'm not one to take everything in between for granted. I love the journey. I love dreaming about how it's all going to happen and the excitement I get from not knowing. :)

Happy Birthday

It's my birthday. I've survived my 27th year on this planet and am now venturing forth into my 28th. It's been such a fantastic birthday fortnight. I got promoted, went to Chicago, my best friend became my boyfriend, my son finally came home, I got a gorgeous butterfly from L, and Friday there's gonna be a celebration at Macaroni Grill for my birthday. Oh, and for the first time ever, J remembered my birthday and told me he loves me. I could just gush on and on and on about everything that's gone on the last two weeks.

The change in relationship status with J doesn't surprise me in the least. He's been my best friend for nearly 12 years now and we've danced around it for years. I am concerned about his attraction to men, seeing as how he is bisexual, but I love him for who he is and trust him implicitly. My mother even gives this relationship her stamp of approval and I'm positive his mother will be thrilled too. Last Christmas she sent us out on a romantic date in her attempt to get us to wake the hell up to what was right in front of us. I suppose it took us long enough to see what our mothers have known for years now. I love that I don't have to prove anything to him and that we can just be comfortable with each other. It's been an odd adjustment, but I'm sure I'll get used to it. It feels right. For once I feel like I'm in the right place at the right time. If grad school doesn't work out, I'm still moving, only to Chicago to be with J. *happy sigh* It's just been like a dream.

Happy 28th Birthday to me!

Sweet Home Alabama?

Well, I'm home from a dream vacation in Chicago. I really didn't want to leave... I never do. It's just a vibrant and exciting city. I went to the aquarium and Lollapalooza, both of which were awesome. I had so much fun. J took me out to Carmichael's for dinner last night and damn... what an amazing restaurant. Expensive, but fantastic. Then we went home to have cheesecake and looked at his pictures from Great Britain. What a fantastical weekend!

The Way I Am

S was soooo right in making me go on this vacation. I'm so happy right now that I can barely stand myself. I'm staying home at J's while he's off at work today and then tomorrow morning I'll be doing the same until he gets home. It's such a great plan. I get to laze about doing nothing and then play when J comes home from work. Yesterday, I spent my afternoon going to the mall and browsing. It was pretty fun, but I missed S. She's my all time shopping buddy... plus I found a Hello Kitty store for her. J has been so nice. He cooked me dinner last night and even watched part of America's Next Top Model. Lol it was really sweet of him to try and get through it, even though I was completely exhausted and somewhat disinterested in watching it. He asked all about how the judging worked - I was highly entertained by it. Lol. I love how he just accepts me for all my silly quirks and just loves me because of them. This vacation rocks my socks off.

I get to pick up L on Sunday... I can't wait. I miss my little guy. Mom bought him all of his school supplies and got him all ready to go for school. I just need to finish registering him for school and then figure out how the heck this new online system works. I'm kind of annoyed at their decision to go all online with registration. They're even posting teacher assignments and grades online ONLY. Ridiculous. I want a paper copy of his report cards and I want a letter stating whom his teacher is. I'm a little bitchy like that. Anywho... I have happy news. On Tuesday night, before I left for Chi-town, I got a call from my boss and he totally promoted me! I'm going to be a glorified receptionist and I'm going to be getting twice the pay and twice the hours. Still part-time though, but I'm completely okay with that. I'm really excited and really proud of myself. I've never been given such kudos before and I'm a little stunned still. Nonetheless, I'm going to be super happy with my new position and super happy with how this all goes. I enjoy a challenge and I'll do my best. :)

All that jazz

I made it to Chicago! Thank the lord. I am so tired of driving I could just scream. At least tomorrow I have some down time until J gets back from work to just un.wind. I'm such a happy camper. I was getting a little too lonely back in Iowa. L is still gone and has the puppy with him. I know it helps his homesickness to have the puppy with him, but I miss her cuddling me at night. Oh well, I'll just have to annoy J tonight with my incessant cuddling. He's never minded before. :)

I'm just thrilled to have a break from the mundane. It's been at least 4 years since I've had a vacation and thusly it is looooooong overdue. I don't know what I'm going to do though.