A New Look

I had to redo my background because something was up. No idea what, but I figured I would rather spend 10 minutes picking out a generic background than an hour on hold with some guy in India trying to understand what the hell he's saying, so, enjoy.

I had an interesting conversation with a close friend recently. We were talking about love. She's currently falling head over heels for a pretty nice sounding man (I have never met him, so I'm just assuming he's nice) and is in that "love conquers everything" "love can and will endure" phase. Don't get me wrong. I am very happy in my relationship. I am thrilled to finally be in a healthy relationship with someone who doesn't need to tear me down and apart in order for her to feel good about herself. However, I've been married and I've been engaged. Both of those men I loved fiercely and both of those men abused me once they got comfortable in the relationship. Love was not enough in those cases. Love did not endure and it sure as hell didn't conquer shit. I look at this reasonable, brilliant woman and I want to shake her and tell her to watch her back. Don't get complacent. Don't let him take you for granted. Ever. I know not all men are horrible. Not all men hit. Not all men tear you apart to feel like a man. But some do. Keeping your guard up is only smart. With Sara, I have been with her for 4 years and she has been my best friend for 7 years now. I am thrilled that I get to be one of those people who can say that they married their best friend.

Eventually, our discussion moved on to the wedding. I was talking about how surprised I was by how little Sara seemed to care about the cake or the menu or the music or even her dress. I mentioned that I hated being the other bride because I couldn't be there for everything she was enjoying (read: being dragged through by her mom). I love seeing her become a bride. It's so exciting. I have been planning every little detail in an attempt to give Sara the perfect wedding. I mentioned that with me, I had had my wedding. It was nothing I was proud of and I wouldn't wish that wedding on anyone. My turn was over, but Sara's wasn't and this was her day, not mine. At this point, my friend stopped me and told me that it was both our day. Yet, I feel like I can't justify this second wedding to myself. Like I have felt with Sara, I just don't deserve another one. I recall hearing it said that a wedding dress is like a coat of white primer paint. It covers up the past so a new one can begin. The old layers are there, but they're covered. It never sat well with me. I want so badly to admit that this day is mine too, but it isn't. I only have one other person who is helping me plan this wedding (excluding Sara) and I feel... like a fraud. I want this, but I had my chance and that's gone and a coat of primer doesn't change that.