I mentioned a few posts ago that I was going to right my own, honest, thankful list. Not the self indulgent bragging crap, but real ones. So, here goes:
Day 1: I am thankful my mother didn't abort me so that she could abuse me.
Day 2: I'm grateful for being emotionally stunted. It makes interactions with normal people extra special.
Day 3: I am grateful I am not in elementary school anymore. Going to school with the fear of a psychopath shooting up the place hanging over my head day after day might have traumatized me.
Day 4: I am thankful that my parents created me in an attempt to save their marriage. Setting me up for failure since conception has been a learning experience to say the least.
Day 5: Today, I am thankful that Wham! wrote " Wake me up before you go". It's inspired many a dance party in my head.
Day 6: I'm grateful my most recent therapist was such a colossal asshole that I no longer want anything to do with therapy, despite being well aware that I need it more than the average bear.
Day 7: I am thankful that my ex-fiance (Steve for those of you playing the home game) moved to Dubuque. I only go there every weekend because this tiny ass town 20 miles away has so little to offer. I love the slight worry that I will run into him and will therefore get to enjoy copious amounts of drama.
Day 8: I am grateful for schadenfreude. It's a real thing. Look it up. Enjoying the misery of others has helped to brighten my dark and twisty life on numerous occasions and I love it when it crops up.
Day 8: I am so thankful for the endless mirth provided by Craigslist. Today's gem was an ad in Dubuque looking for a "midget" who would basically be owned by a group of people and would be subjected to demeaning scenarios and sexual acts. I love it when it goes the extra mile.
Day 10: I am thankful that we are finally getting out of this crapartment and into a condo. The major bonus is that we will be paying less in rent and utilities while still upgrading.
Day 11: I am grateful that the wedding industry is seriously out of touch with reality and caters to people who can and do spend a minimum of $25,000 per wedding. It's genuinely a pleasure to see the look on your faces when I tell you I am getting married at the swankiest place in Iowa for less than $5,000.
Day 12: I am super thankful for people who use social media to post pictures of abused animals and children to promote abuse awareness. I'm sure that everyone loves that you're exploiting those defenseless people/creatures in order to feel better about yourself. Seriously. Wy to go. Exploitation is so in right now. Also, telling me that I'm a heartless bastard because I won't "share" the picture is so helpful for the cause.
Day 13: I'm thankful I live in a small minded community that embraces the double negative. If it weren't for them, I wouldn't have nothing to talk about.
Day 14: I am thankful I have a dog. Some days, she's the only reason I'm alive. It's nice to have one person in your life who always thinks the sun shines out your ass, complete with rainbow. Even when she's being a sassy brat, I love the hell out of her.
Day 15: I'm thankful that the Christmas onslaught starts a full six months early now. Really. It's a wonderful thought that consumerism has become such an ingrained part of our society that we really do think we can buy love from one another in the form of overpriced and completely unnecessary "presents".
Day 16: I am grateful for friends I can be a catty, bitchy soprano with. I get to do it so rarely that it is truly the higlight of my month to get to do something that awesome with someone I really love.
Day 17: I am thankful that people see RSVP by a certain date and just ignore it. I really don't need to know if you're coming to my wedding. There will be plenty of food. The caterer will not charge me extra for you showing up unannounced. Your belief that the sun rises and sets at your convenience is totally founded. YOU are the unique snowflake in the tapestry of life.
Day 18: I am thankful to have been raised in the same household as my oldest brother. Being that close to absolute perfection and a true child prodigy has made certain that I am truly and well acquainted with the definition of the word "mediocrity".
Day 19: I'm grateful that people will always enable bullies once they become adults. When one child bullies another, we crack down on the side of the "weaker" child. When an adult does it, sometimes it's abuse, but most of the time it's "just a joke" and the other person is being too sensitive.
Day 20: I'm grateful to live in a world where the extinction of an entire animal species (Western Black Rhino) goes completely unnoticed by the majority of the public. Way to go, humanity!
Day 21: I am thankful for grammar Nazis. It's nice to not be alone in expecting excellence from everyone. Same goes for spelling Nazis, only I'm a little more aggressive about this one.
Day 22: I am thankful for the culture shock I've enjoyed by moving from a large city (Des Moines) to a moderately sized town. The insular society enjoyed by all of our neighbors who have known each other since birth has been so nice. I have no interest in making acquaintances or, dare I say, friends. I could understand the guarded familiarity of the city, but this complete shut out has be surprising.
Day 23: I'm thankful for the looks people give me when I correct them when they call me a lesbian. I'm sorry that you can't wrap your head around the concept of bisexuality, but just because I'm in a committed relationship with a woman, doesn't negate my attraction to men. When you find someone you love, do you completely stop noticing anyone else being attractive? I'm marrying Sara, but I'm not dead.
Day 24: I'm thankful that, because of a genetic fluke, I have webbed toes. I've decided they are the source of my awesomeness. I was genuinely disappointed the first time I saw Liam's toes and they were normal.
Day 25: I am thankful that Sara loves me, even with all of my flaws. Seriously. I have truly wondered if she is a glutton for punishment. Girl could do so much better than this basketcase.
Day 26: I'm grateful for hypocrisy. If it didn't exist, I couldn't sit around and judge people and then ten minutes later, get really pissed when I'm being judged. Yay, hypocrisy!
Day 27: I'm really grateful Liam is going with his dad for the holiday. I love the little trout, but I think we all need a break.
Day 28: It's Thanksgiving! It's Hanukkah! It's Thanksgivukkah! I'm am truly grateful that Kmart is starting deals at 6am today and that Walmart is starting them at 6pm. It nice that they're trying to take the Jewish approach to deciding when Black Friday actually starts. Especially during Hanukkah. When the sales are for Christmas. *sigh*
Day 29: Today is the day. Black Friday. Today, I am thankful for American and Corporate greed and knowing that today at least one person in the country will be trampled to death and others will be hospitalized from injuries sustained from other people who are so desperate to pay nothing for something. It's like poorly controlled rioting. I'm also thankful it's my brother's birthday.
Day 30: I am beyond thankful that this list is finally done.
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