Stalking? I prefer to call it "enthusiastically shadowing"

It's been a surprisingly decent week. My mother has been ramping up her efforts to get a reaction out of me in the last couple weeks. It culminated in her deciding to just show up at our home last weekend, using her desire to sign over her van to me as her excuse. Thankfully, we got up early, drove up to her house (while she was en route to our home) and dropped the car off. I reiterated my desire for her to stay away in a letter, but I think it will only be a bandaid over a bullet wound. Afterwards, I had a great day, but I don't know how worth it it was considering the morning.

I am having a hard time with this. I really want to just accept that I don't get to have a mom. I want one though. Who doesn't? I just don't get one. I have mother figures, who are kind and loving, but I don't know if I could come running to them in tears if something horrible happened. I don't trust people. It's funny, I see the best in people for the most part, but I don't trust them at all.

I have so many uncried tears that I just want to get out. I'm so used to having to hold myself together that the idea of letting go is terrifying.

Damn I'm sore

Strength comes in many form. There's the obvious physical strength that when present in excessive amounts results in a scary visage laces in bulging veins and possible 'roid rage. Then there's emotional and psychological strength. You can't really see either. They are so closely linked that I'm not really sure they can be completely separated. I am moderately strong physically. I chopped the hell out of a sidewalk full of ice yesterday that was about 3 inches thick. My muscles ache and I'm tired.

Emotionally, I am stronger than most people because I have had to be. I often feel weak emotionally, but I figure that is because like muscles, I am just sore and tired. Like that jelly feeling you get in your legs after a long run. Psychologically, I'm working on strengthening that part. One day, I want to be able to not give a goddamn about what other people think. I want to be able to know that I'm awesome without validation from others. I want to not be scared of things I have control over.

My mother called this week to announce her desire to come down here this weekend to take care of a few "loose ends" having to do with my car. She isn't asking if she can come and I suspect she will eventually just show up. I have been angry and terrified ever since she made that call. The terrified part is starting to leave me though and is being replaced by a resolve to remove her from my home if she shows up. I am angry and frustrated. I dreamt of her last night. It woke me up and I was physically sick for two hours. She needs to go away and for once, I might be strong enough to get rid of her.

Come to the dark side... We just ran out of cookies

I'm in a bad place. A very very bad place. I wish talking to people would help, but it doesn't. They give me the sad face and tell me how my words make them sad. Truth is though, if I'm being 100% honest with myself, I want to kill myself. I really do. I look in the mirror every morning and every night before bed and I see a fat, ugly, selfish, lazy, horrible person. A person who doesn't deserve the things she has. Someone who can't trust a compliment because I truly do believe its just something people say to lower my guard so that when they stab me in the back, the knife goes nice and deep.

I live in fear of the day Sara will leave me and I just want to run away from everyone. I have no illusions of grandeur. I don't think that if I run away MY life will be better. I just hope that my running away and living in a ditch somewhere will result in someone killing me so that I don't have to do it. I find myself angry with Sara when she compliments me and then I get enraged with myself for pushing her away. She deserves better than I can ever give her. I hate myself for letting her go through with the wedding and even when she assures me that it's what she wanted, I just nod because I don't want to argue with her. If I were a good and decent person, I would have stopped her, but instead, I was selfish.

My mother is right to hate me. I'm negative, worthless, and have nothing to offer. My father was right. I should have been aborted. I still hope they die painfully - even if all they were doing was being honest with me. Maybe my mother isn't a narcissist. Maybe I am and I'm twisting things so that I'm the victim. Bullies pick on people by accusing them of the things they hate most about themselves. Aren't I just doing the same thing? I'm a "victim" so I despise it in my mother. Seriously. Sara and Liam say that I'm "the glue" that holds us all together, which I interpret to mean that I demand all the attention in the house. I sure as hell am my favorite topic. Seriously. Liam and Sara both deserve better and I owe it to them to try. I doubt i will ever succeed. I'm a coward and G-d seems to hate me.