Come to the dark side... We just ran out of cookies

I'm in a bad place. A very very bad place. I wish talking to people would help, but it doesn't. They give me the sad face and tell me how my words make them sad. Truth is though, if I'm being 100% honest with myself, I want to kill myself. I really do. I look in the mirror every morning and every night before bed and I see a fat, ugly, selfish, lazy, horrible person. A person who doesn't deserve the things she has. Someone who can't trust a compliment because I truly do believe its just something people say to lower my guard so that when they stab me in the back, the knife goes nice and deep.

I live in fear of the day Sara will leave me and I just want to run away from everyone. I have no illusions of grandeur. I don't think that if I run away MY life will be better. I just hope that my running away and living in a ditch somewhere will result in someone killing me so that I don't have to do it. I find myself angry with Sara when she compliments me and then I get enraged with myself for pushing her away. She deserves better than I can ever give her. I hate myself for letting her go through with the wedding and even when she assures me that it's what she wanted, I just nod because I don't want to argue with her. If I were a good and decent person, I would have stopped her, but instead, I was selfish.

My mother is right to hate me. I'm negative, worthless, and have nothing to offer. My father was right. I should have been aborted. I still hope they die painfully - even if all they were doing was being honest with me. Maybe my mother isn't a narcissist. Maybe I am and I'm twisting things so that I'm the victim. Bullies pick on people by accusing them of the things they hate most about themselves. Aren't I just doing the same thing? I'm a "victim" so I despise it in my mother. Seriously. Sara and Liam say that I'm "the glue" that holds us all together, which I interpret to mean that I demand all the attention in the house. I sure as hell am my favorite topic. Seriously. Liam and Sara both deserve better and I owe it to them to try. I doubt i will ever succeed. I'm a coward and G-d seems to hate me.