Strength comes in many form. There's the obvious physical strength that when present in excessive amounts results in a scary visage laces in bulging veins and possible 'roid rage. Then there's emotional and psychological strength. You can't really see either. They are so closely linked that I'm not really sure they can be completely separated. I am moderately strong physically. I chopped the hell out of a sidewalk full of ice yesterday that was about 3 inches thick. My muscles ache and I'm tired.
Emotionally, I am stronger than most people because I have had to be. I often feel weak emotionally, but I figure that is because like muscles, I am just sore and tired. Like that jelly feeling you get in your legs after a long run. Psychologically, I'm working on strengthening that part. One day, I want to be able to not give a goddamn about what other people think. I want to be able to know that I'm awesome without validation from others. I want to not be scared of things I have control over.
My mother called this week to announce her desire to come down here this weekend to take care of a few "loose ends" having to do with my car. She isn't asking if she can come and I suspect she will eventually just show up. I have been angry and terrified ever since she made that call. The terrified part is starting to leave me though and is being replaced by a resolve to remove her from my home if she shows up. I am angry and frustrated. I dreamt of her last night. It woke me up and I was physically sick for two hours. She needs to go away and for once, I might be strong enough to get rid of her.
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