It's June..

I've never really been one for June. My marriage fell apart in June. I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes and was put on the world's most mundane diet ever in June. I was emotionally screwed around with in June. I just don't really enjoy June. Sure... Steve and I got back together-ish in June though. But I find that I get moody in June. Especially now that I have friends who are all getting married or getting pregnant and I honestly feel completely left out. I know Steve's supposed to be moving down soon, but it feels like forever away and honestly there are moments where I doubt the whole situation and sit at home thinking that I was just kidding myself when I decided to give a long distance thing a shot. I ponder about old relationships and wonder if I will ever get over Logan or if I'll ever stop wanting to be this object of desire for Homer, Adam and Jon. I wonder if this is even fair to Steve. If I shouldn't put everything on hold for a while so that I can take a deep breath and make sure that I'm not screwing anyone over - especially Liam and Steve. I love them both, but the odd thing is, I feel guilty that I don't love Steve as much as I love Liam. I know it's normal. And the other thing is, when does Logan leave my daily thoughts. Yes, he angers me more than any person on the planet would ever dare to, and most of the time I feel my hatred for him more strongly than anything else, but at the same time... I love him. I hate that I love him. I hate that I get an excited feeling mixed in with my dread when I get whenever I get an email from him or I know he's coming to get Liam. He's a horrible horrible man, but I can't help how I feel. Sara's coming this weekend, so I'm sure this will be dissected and soforth until I feel normal again.

The other thing is... I'm sick of having my period. Seriously. I got the IUD put in and I was all excited cause the lady said I might even stop having my period with this thing in. But no. I bled for 3 weeks last time and now after a week off, I'm back to bleeding again. Seriously. If I'm going to bleed like this, I want the baby that usually accompanies crap like this.

Weird weird weird dreams

So the last three nights I've had the weirdest dreams of my life... or so it feels. Last night I dreamt that my brother encouraged me to start dating one of his friends from high school, who I was never really all that attracted to. It was awkward and the crowning jewel of the dream was when my mother compared me to her last husband... the one she refers to as "the biggest mistake of my life". wow. At least even in the land of dreams I had the sense to be hurt and pissed at her for the comment.

Then the night before I have an exceedingly creepy dream in which I'm fooling around with my mother's boyfriend behind her back. Yeah, she starts to suspect something and just before she accuses me of something I run away to.. well god knows where and she sends a creepy leprechaun to chase me down and kill me. At which point I sudden decide I'm Irish catholic and start wondering if I'm going to go to hell. Jesus.

And then the night before that, I dream that my maternal grandparents are a pair of child molesting kidnappers. What the hell?

In the first place, my mother's boyfriend is no catch in my eyes. He's an arrogant fuckwit who thinks the world revolves around him and treats her like crap. I believe she could do much better and would not romantically touch him with a 35 foot pole. I'm seriously disturbed about this... but seeing as how all of these dreams have something to do with my mother, I'm moderately concerned as to what they mean. Hmmmm

I've been thinking a lot lately..

Ever notice how as you grow up, the girls you know transform into these incredibly strong and opinionated young women? It's the case for me. My childhood friend, Ebony, and I grew from being each other's better half to being strong women looking forward to the world ahead of us. But as love has entered both of our lives, I've seen how love compromises the independence we've manifested. It's not just the both of us, it's all of my childhood girlfriends. We all soften ourselves so that these men don't feel intimidated by our strength. Which begs the question, why? Why do we compromise our strength for these people who are supposed to love us as we are. I spent five years being so passive and submissive that I lost myself. I've learned from that girl I was and I taught her how to stand on her own two feet again. I see these women who I knew as girls compromising their strength and independence for a man who couldn't possibly understand the strength that lies within her. Like those deep glacial rivers that carve out continents, their strength and power lies deep within them, but is rarely seen.

I suppose I'm lucky. I have someone who was raised by a strong woman, and thusly isn't all that frightened by me when I become assertive. Oddly enough, he seems to like it when I tell someone to shut up because I'm annoyed with them. I know my strength comes from my mother, who is the strongest woman I know and who has bigger balls (figuratively speaking of course) than any man on the planet. I swear to God if you gave my mother 5 minutes with Osama bin Laden, not only would he be apologizing for being an asshole, but he'd be crying about it while doing it. Then again, she has mastered the WASP guilt trip.

Well... that's enough pontification for now.

Depression Stigmata

I'm really tired of how people look down on people with depression. It hurts. No one on this planet ever chooses to be depressed. It's not like we get up in the morning thinking, hey! I'm gonna be super depressed today and it's gonna be fabulous, cause honestly, if we thought like that, depression would make us happy, which would ruin the whole depression thingy. Just a thought.

Seriously, it's not a choice and I'm sick of people automatically assuming that I'm hiding behind it. There are days that I physically cannot get out of bed because I'd rather just imagine ways of killing myself than going to a class and wishing I were dead. Or hell, even those ever pleasant days where I suffer from insomnia because of my depression and then go a week just sleeping all the time. I hate the burden that places on people around me, and I'm not happy with it, but it's the way things go sometimes. I try to make it better, and I suppose on some level I'm doing better. It's been over 6 months since I last cut myself and it's been 4 years since I last attempted suicide. I'm just sick of people hatin' on me because of something I can't control.

a rant about someone I never knew

Holy crap do you piss me off sometimes! Your claim that everyone else around you has changed in the last 10 years and that you've stayed the same is completely laughable! Why would you be proud to claim that your development as a person has stagnated?! Who would be proud of that? And the fact that you feel the need to respond to every little thing that everyone says lately just pisses me off beyond all belief.. not to mention your public declaration that I'm a whore because you spent 2 months persuing me without even asking me about my relationship status!!!! Sorry if I figured it was something you needed to get out of your system and that I wanted to just ignore the come ons and try to maintain our friendship. What the hell is wrong with you!? I admit I'm foolish. I've never claimed to be the fully evolved person that you seem to think you are. Yes, I'm constantly changing and yes I make mistakes over and over again sometimes, but that gives you no right to call me a whore. Maybe I should have told you to bugger off months ago, or maybe I should have just said "hey, not interested go bark up some other tree", but I wanted to be sensitive to what you were going through. Sorry for considering your feelings there... I'll be sure to never do that one again.

Oh, and your choice to call me psychotic because I suffer from severe major depression was just fantastic too. Seriously. If you had any idea what happens with depression, you might be able to dig yourself out of your archaic belief structure and realize that not everyone who has depression is bipolar and not everyone who has depression ignores their medication like your ex did. I take my meds. I have bad days... as opposed to bad weeks, months, years. I work everyday on getting better and trying to make my life work for me, and for you to tell me that because of my depression I'm basically toxic and selfish cause I want to be friends with you and at one point wanted more than that is just plain cruel. I can't completely fix this, but I try, every day. I try to appreciate something. I cannot believe you had children and shared a life with someone who suffered from this and came out with that kind of perspective. Did you even try to help her, or was it "damn she's bitchy today... must be pms"? I'm sick people looking at me and my "disease" or "condition" like it's something they'll catch or that I'm to be pitied for it. Sure I have days where I don't want to get out of bed and I want to disappear and I want to just die, but you know what? I haven't cut myself in months and I haven't attempted suicide in 4 years now. I've been medicated for 2 years pretty consistently and I don't think you have a right to shine a spotlight on my "deficiencies" until you've done the same for yourself. I could point them out... they're clear as day.

You care more for your bong than you ever did your family and your obsession with your own personal fable gets in the way of your ability to be the "man" your son so desperately needs. You claim your daughters are bitches... what kind of father says that about his girls?! Maybe if you had been there it wouldn't have been an issue. Just because they grew into the type of girls who don't share your core beliefs doesn't make them any less wonderful. Instead, you claim their money-grubbing and they learned it from their crazy mother. Please, if you had contributed to the household, they wouldn't have had to help the mother with the skrimping and saving so that you could have your pot and non-profit press. All you ever do is look at the faults of others and assume that you're so far above them and try to rip them down, when in my opinion and belief, we should all just be trying to better one another in an attempt to reach some kind of utopian society.

I've spent years saying, oh, that's just the way he is and that's fine, but you know... you crossed a pretty big line tonight when you tried to tear down the one person who's always attempted to defend you. I may not have always agreed with you, but I defended you because you were important to me. But now? Your battles are your own. I'm done being your "cheerleader". I'm not going to join the masses and say that you're an asshole at ever turn I get, but I'm sure as hell not going to jump to your defense when it starts happening again. Maybe I have changed, but I'd rather be evolving and changing and trying to better myself than trying to tear others down in order to feel better about the crappy situation I find myself in.

I know you're never going to look back on this in sorrow. You're going to twist and wind this around in your brain to make it seem like I attacked you, but I know the truth and to be honest, I've been dealing with Logan half as long as I've known you and by now, I've learned to ignore the manipulation. I don't hate you. I pity you and feel generally sad for you because someday you're going to wake up very lonely and will want to reach out to others and will find that no one is there for you.

Life moves so quickly...

I can't seem to stop and think. What am I going to do?

I miss you already

It's silly. She's only been gone for 2 hours, and I'm already lonesome for her. She's my best friend and I'm so proud of her for graduating. She's such an amazing young woman and I am incredibly proud to be her best friend. I can't even begin to describe her. Of course I think she's beautiful inside and out and is intelligent. She should have graduated summa cum laude, but didn't because she didn't have 64 credits at the school. *sigh* I wish everyone in the world knew how wonderful she is.

Granted, she's not the only one I'm going to miss. Agie's going. Perky's going. Whitney's going. *sigh* I'm going to miss you all so much.

Thinking about stuff

I know I shouldn't be surprised. I really really shouldn't. Time and time again, I've offered Logan time with his son, and time and time again, he rejects it. I know he hates me. I get that, I understand... and hell, most of the time, I reciprocate it, but don't take it out on that sweet little boy. I offered him time during Liam's summer break (two weeks) and offered him time over the choir tour and I offered him time over Liam's fall break in September and even most of his birthday weekend... but no. The week for choir tour was rejected barely before I got the words out. I gave him a deadline of April 30th for the rest of the breaks... and since I was in the hospital having my gall bladder out, he ended up with a 5 day grace period. Why is it so hard for him to be a daddy?

When I married him, I really thought that his was it. That this was going to be the love story of my entire life and the greatest thing I'd ever a part of. It might not have been the love story I thought I was going to get, but I embraced and thought maybe for once I'd find out that there are families that don't break and there are couples who can withstand anything because they're devoted. I wanted to give that to Liam, because he deserves it. he's this amazing wonder creature that somehow, I made... and he deserves everything this world has to offer. I don't care if he wants to be a circus juggler, because if he wants to be, he'll be the best one in the entire history of the world. Who wouldn't want to be his father? Who could possibly turn their back on that?I guess i'm thinking about it, because last week, when I was facing my surgery, I was scrambling to find someone to take care of Liam while I was naked and unconscious on a surgical table. I called Logan and he told me that as Liam's custodial parent, it was my responsibility to care for him, not Logan's. He told me that his only responsibility to Liam existed when Liam was with him and no time outside that. I have people, I could have called... but as rare as complications with this surgery are, I was still worried, that if something happened to me, who was going to take care of my baby?

If he didn't want the responsibility, why did he marry me? Why did he promise me things he couldn't deliver? Why did knowingly impregnate me? If I didn't need the child support as badly as I do, I would tell him Liam wasn't his. I would beg him to give up parental rights and to leave us alone forever. The more I look at all of this, the more I realize that my marriage isn't over. He's still hurting me, only now, he's doing it by hurting my baby. This won't be over until I'm out of Iowa... I want out.. I want my degree though and I can suffer through one more year... but right now... I'm hurting. I'm tired of him and his home-wrecking slut getting to be neglectful to my baby. I'm tired him trying to get Liam to call her "mommy".

Right now, I feel like I've fucked up my life royally and that I'm doing nothing right. I hate my life right now.

Lost

I keep screwing up left right and center. Everything is just happening so quickly and I don't know what to do. I'm cutting again... and to be honest.. it feels amazing. I hope I never stop again. I really hope that. The only reason people don't like it is because it's taboo. It's frightening to them because they choose not to understand it. I'm tired of people acting like I'm insane for acting on my impulses. It's no more damaging than binge drinking or smoking.. it's just more obvious when it comes to the damage I'm inflicting.

hmmm

I'm lost right now. I don't want to listen to anyone but me, but everyone keeps throwing in their opinions. What I want... 

Steve

more children

my degree done next spring

a moment each day to myself to not freak out

Logan to make up his mind about Liam

what everyone else wants for me

Adam

no more kids

me to move to Appleton

spend every moment of every day doting on Liam

Logan to make up his mind about Liam.

Only one thing on those lists match up. Right now.. all I really want is to drown myself in a bathtub as I watch everyone around me drown in the bliss of marital happiness. I'm not qualified to be in a relationship. I'm not supposed to have my happily ever after because there is no happily ever after for me. I'm supposed to go through life and accept what people tell me is supposed to happen. I just don't know what's wrong anymore. I just want people to be happy for me and to stop trying to change me. I want to be able to grow and be myself and be unfettered and I want people to encourage that. Sadly, that's not enough for anyone. So, now I just wish that I either had the courage to tell the world to fuck off, drop Liam on Logan's doorstep and run off in the world and disappear, or just to surrender myself to my life's inevitable conclusion that is suicide. I at least hope that when it happens I've at least accomplished something... that my death will be lamented a little. *sigh* 

Letters

Dear Logan,

What the hell? Why did you marry me? You never treated me like your wife. I think you married me because you didn't know what else to do, I know I married you because I didn't want to embarrass you by dumping you at the altar. I should have. *sigh* I just hate you. I really do. I wish I could like you, but honestly... it's never gonna happen. There isn't a day that goes by where I don't wish I had never met you. *sigh* I hate you.

I wish I knew what to do..

I can't escape this feeling that what happened with Logan really was my fault. I just don't know. The other thing... and this is just completely weird... I've become so accustomed to my depression and feeling like there's no light at the end of the tunnel, that when I'm not depressed, I miss it and wonder what's wrong with me. I become self destructive in an attempt to recapture the feelings of depression that are alluding me. Seriously, how fucked up is that? Who could possibly miss depression... *sigh* I wish I knew what's wrong with me. I know my life is fantastic and for the most part, I actually feel that. so... why the hell do I want to be depressed?

phantom pain

I've been gone for a week now and I miss S. so much it hurts. I can't sleep without him. I want him here.

I've been doing a lot of reading lately to try and forget that I'm pining but that barely works... *sigh* I don't know if I can handle another year of this.

I give up.

Logan, you win. I am a worthless pile of shit and you were right to get rid of me. The more and more I look at myself these days, the more I just want to play a rousing game of "drink what's under the sink". I've been cutting myself again... I've slammed my head against the wall.. 

I'm getting so close to just abandoning everything, giving Logan his child back and just disappearing. Maybe I will quietly start giving my things away. Selling off my books, pawning my jewelry and my violin... selling my dresses and dvd's... cd's whatever else I can find to sell to liquidate my entire life so that when my rotting carcass is found... well, at least no one will have to fight over anything. I'll be gone and my stuff will be gone and who the fuck cares? We'll have a jolly good funeral that will include logan (rightly) fucking his girlfriend on my casket and for the final act, pissing on my open grave. I'd be lucky if even my mother took the time off of work to come to some kind of funeral... granted she and dad would likely be more pissed off that I didn't have the life insurance to pay for the funeral costs. Fuck it... just stick me in a cardboard box and cremate me. Cheaper.. cleaner and my ashes could be thrown in a dumpster afterwards for some random bum to shit, piss and vomit on. I don't care, I'd be burning in hell anyways.

Fuck it. Just fuck all of this. Sure, I might feel better in the morning, but in a couple days, I'm gonna feel like shit again. So guess what, I just give up. I'll go to bed praying that I die, and if I do... I'll be so goddamned happy. If I don't.. guess that just proves that neither god, the devil nor my family or friends want me and it'll be time to go live in a cabin in the woods somewhere to be forgotten forever. No one will ever find me again, and thank god for that... I hate people.

As much as he says it's not my fault... I know it is. Something is wrong with me. Something that prevents him and he doesn't want to talk about it. I'm not pretty enough, smart enough... something. Thin enough maybe. I just don't know. He wouldn't tell me, cause he doesn't want to hurt me and with Logan I know it would have been because of another woman.. but this... Steve's not one to cheat, so it's me. *sigh* what the hell is wrong with me?