Stay

I'm doing really well. Like, really well. I'm actually looking forward to work with a smile kind of really well. J met my bugaboo the other day and that went really well. They both seem to like each other pretty well, which was really important to me (obviously) to have the two men I care about most actually like each other. It tends to make things easier. I'm just really happy about things lately. I spent the night at J's for the first time on Saturday and in the morning he made me breakfast. I have never had someone make me breakfast before. Just because he wanted to. It was really really sweet of him and I love him for it. It was just toast and eggs, but who cares? It was made out of love and that made it better than anything else could have been. All of this has just been like a dream. It's all I think about right now and all I want to do is just make him happy in some way. The weird thing is, I'm a chatty girl and when I think of him or am near him, I just... I have no words. I search for them and they just aren't there and I'm not used to being rendered speechless. I can only hope my actions can make up for that. I'm just so awkward and nervous around him still. It's cute, I'm sure. :)

On a seriously down note, I found out that a friend of mine from high school has been sent home to die. She was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer a while ago and she went to Mayo to fight and fight she did, but the doctors have run out of treatments. I honestly can't believe it. She's just such a vital woman. I don't really know her anymore, but she was one of the popular kids who actually liked hanging out with me. She was always kind, always smiling and very sweet in high school and I can only imagine that those attributes have deepened as she became a woman. I hate to think of her suffering or her leaving behind her small child and husband. I can't even begin to think of how hard it is on her, much less them. To want to live so very much and know that the end is approaching regardless of "fairness". I don't often pray, because I think God has better things to do than listen to me, but God had better listen now because she doesn't deserve to suffer anymore. She deserves peace and a pain-free release from the hell she's been through. Cancer is fucking unfair.

Rolling in the Deep

This has been a pretty trying couple of weeks. Most of it has been fantastic thanks to J, but it's still pretty hard. My car decided to be a bitch and that drained my bank account to the point where I'm actually starting to freak out about things. I generally try not to freak out, cause it really gets me nowhere fast, but *sigh* it's just not working right now. And on top of it all, my mother verbally lashed me when I called her with news of the car being a pain in the ass. Apparently, I'm not trying hard enough, I need to be begging for more hours at work, I need to tell my conductor to pay me for rehearsals - not just weekly performances, I need to get my voice studio up and running faster (more on that in a mo) and I need to actually be appreciative of all the things that she's done for me. *sigh* talk about being made to feel like a worthless burden. It pretty much ruined my day and I'm still pissed at her despite her calling me up later on that day to "apologize". I put it in quotations because the words "I'm sorry" were never even uttered. I am appreciative. And to be honest, I really do feel like a worthless burden most of the time when I think about my relationship with her. I hate being fucked over financially and I just want to find a job where I'm making a difference in someone's life and not just being a cog in the corporate capitalistic machine.

That being said, I'm working on starting up my voice studio. Nothing grand or anything, but I'm pretty excited about it. I've managed to hopefully get an accompanist who could help me out and I'm actually optimistic about all of it. I'm being proactive. Go. Me.

another old poem

I wrote this a few years ago. I'd say it's the most theraputic thing I've ever written and helped me to get to where I am today. I'm kind of proud of it - mainly because of the length.

"The Orphan's Lament"

how does a child survive
without a parent in sight
i wonder if it's strength
but for me, it was spite

they may not have loved me
for everything i was
but i loved them both with the ardor
that every child does

my dad was never there
he barely tried to know me
he came, he left, we had some laughs
but never truly loved me

my mother seemed to grudge me
the needs i had for love
and since i was her daughter
her hate's somewhat ungloved

no one talks about the orphans
whose parents aren't dead
but they might as well be
since my parent was in my head

i find i'm full of anger
why couldn't they have tried
and if they didn't want me
why'd they have to lie

i know that i'm not perfect
but i was never wild
i toed the line, i never cried
i was the "perfect" child

i tried to raise my brothers
who were older than me
but you never stopped to notice
that no one was raising me

so now i am a grown up
with a six year old inside
wishing you had loved her
wishing she had died

maybe then you would have noticed
you had a child in so much pain
but i know you'll never care or see
my affection's start to wane

i've become a woman
so much smarter than you'll believe
i don't want your love again
cause i know you'll always leave

so good-bye my crappy parents
your orphan's over you
i don't care how you react now
and i bid you a strong adieu.

Never Leave Your Heart Alone

I know it's been a few days. I've been quite busy getting settled in after my trip to Wisconsin/Michigan. It was a decent visit - no fighting with my mother, no anxiety attacks, just good old fashioned fun. I even got to see my grandmother which was a treat. No old friends though. They were all busy which is fine - saves me the trouble of having to talk to them about all the crap I've been going through when I'm pretty sure most of them could care less. People get tired of others trying to educate them all the time and I don't want to be tedious to them.

I get discharged from IOP on Friday. I'm super excited to be honest. I'm ready to be done and I'm hoping I never have to go back. That's not to say I don't value what I've learned there, I just really am tired of it being my focus everyday. It's time to move on and away from everything that brought me back to this point, especially since everything else is going so well in my life. The only thing that worries me is work - they've cut back my hours severely, which I expected, but not this much. It makes me wonder if they're just preparing for something (firing me) or if it's just a normal part of the cycle. I'm probably just being paranoid and should just take a deep breath and calm the hell down. Easier said than done, right? It'll be okay. Really.

J and I are still getting to know each other, but to be honest, I really am falling for him. He's probably one of the sweetest and kindest people I've ever met. He thinks he bores me though. LOL Hardly. He's absolutely fascinating to me. I could listen to him talk for hours about anything. He's a lot like me though. Self deprecating without realizing it, never giving himself enough credit. It's okay though, at least I can understand the behavior and the rationale behind it. He's just so intelligent and funny and delightful. Yes, I'm gushing, but shouldn't I? He's a great man and I'm lucky to have found him before someone else did.

Bullet with Butterfly Wings

I want to write a great deal tonight, but I am absolutely exhausted. I forced myself to stay awake to watch in the new year, but I oughtn't have. I got to see my aunt and grandmother today and that was rather nice. I also got to sleep until 9 am so another awesome moment. I'm hoping to get a decent cup of coffee tomorrow morning as we head out, but thankfully I'm not doing most of the driving. S (the roommate not the ex) owes me after I drove through all that fog on thursday night. I will write more tomorrow after I get more rest.