One More Time with Feeling

I had an interesting experience at church tonight. It being Maundy Thursday we performed at services and it was a really interesting experience seeing it from a Jew's perspective instead of just a disillusioned Christian. I was embarrassed to have to refuse communion though. Usually I just sit in the pew and let the bread and wine pass me by, but this time we had to get up and go to it because we had to get up to the balcony. *sigh* the pastor looked so affronted when I refused to take the bread or wine. I just couldn't fake being a Christian for his comfort though. I had a lot of issues with the readings though, but that's only natural. I just really wonder if this job is going to get me sent to hell sometimes. But I sat there and endured the falsity of the "passion" story. Listened to the Jews be blamed for Christ's death and how Pontius Pilate wanted to save him, but we wanted him dead. Please. Pontius Pilate was fired from his position for killing too many people. Look it up. He would have had no problem killing Jesus and he sure as hell wouldn't have needed a reason. But since the Christians in ca. 70CE wanted to distance themselves from the Jews in Judea and have the Romans actually like them they pulled a PR move and glorified the one Roman in the story. The rest of it was done by the Jews. Seriously. I get so pissed off about it. It's unfair and what's worse is it's all fiction that has been fabricated as a PR move and then turned into a religion!! WTH! I just can't believe people bought into it. I'm willing to admit that the main characters probably existed, but it's like spring break stories. Most of the shit described didn't happen. *sigh*

I guess my religious disillusionment goes back to confirmation. I was in 8th and 9th grades and had so many questions and no one took them seriously. I questioned and questioned and questioned and no one offered answers. Now, I've had to find the answers for myself, or at least answers I can live with. I've found that so often in my life that I've had to supply the answers for myself even after asking "experts". Perhaps that's why I mistrust authority figures. I don't know.

I'm starting to fall into familiar behavior patterns though. Self Destructive ones. I'm a fool for thinking my psych. was wrong about me being Borderline. I'm just better at hiding it, I guess. Well not from the psych. He saw it probably right away. I'm not cutting though, which is a blessing. I'm just doing things I shouldn't. Such as emotionally eating. I hate doing it, and it's just a horrible habit, but lately it's just the only thing that is comforting me. Except this. Writing is helping so much. Just getting it out and letting it go.

aching to pupate

I'm feeling lost lately. Love life is fine. Better than fine. I'm just lost. I have no idea what I need to do with my life. I really want to follow through with all my dreams, I just lack the motivation. I think I'm just frightened of the unknown. I know most of the time, I'm cocky and so sure of myself when it comes to my future. I know that I can do it, but I'm afraid that the obstacles that screwed me over in undergrad will follow me to grad school. I hate my depression for that. I hate my father for what he did to me. And I hate L's father for his refusal to be a dad. At least it's not a burning hatred anymore. It's just annoyance. *sigh* Can I do this? What if my meds stop working again? What if I just can't do it? What if I'm not smart enough or talented enough? I'm so scared of being proven mediocre. I've always believed I was destined for greatness, but what if I'm not. Can I handle that disappointment? I have no one to really talk to about all this. J has way too much on his plate right now and I won't add to it. And S is just about ready to go crazy from being burnt out on her job. So I turn here to ask my questions to an empty audience. What am I going to do?

The other problem that is just weighing on me is my desire to expand my family. J and I are NOT ready for that, but I only have maybe 2 more years where that's a possibly safe option. After what happened with L's birth I'm lucky I'm alive. I ought to get a second opinion in all honesty, but after being told that it's not really an option after my 30th year, it's scary and wholly heartbreaking. I dreamed of a huge family. I wanted tons of kids because I have so much love in me to give. My mother keeps reminding me that they don't have to be biologically mine to be a family and that's true, but it's not the way I envisioned my future family... not entirely. I thought about being a foster mom, but after I was done having children. I even thought about being surrogate for people. But as time passes ever so quickly, so go my chances of carrying another child. I really never thought L would be my only kiddo. I really thought I'd have a couple more by now, but life intervened and I'm okay with that. I just... I hate watching one of my deepest most cherished dreams die. It hurts unbearably and I really wish someone understood instead of telling me I can adopt. I try to compensate by wanting a puppy or something that would need me just as much. L is getting older and in many ways doesn't need me as much. He needs guidance now and that is so rewarding, but I miss the hugs and the constant cuddling and the waking up at 3 am to take care of him. I'm lucky I have such a beautiful child and I'm lucky J has a beautiful child that I can love too. Watching a dream die is just horrible especially when I have nothing else to do but watch.

Just an Old Fashioned Love Song

I think this is gonna be a short one. I had a really nice realization today. I was watching some silly romantic comedy and I realized that after years of saying "I wish I had that" when the two main characters finally get together (even when I was in so-called healthy relationships), I finally have that. I know beyond a doubt that J would do all that silly stupid crap to make sure I knew how much he loves me. I would do it too. What a wonderful thought. I have the start of a possible happily ever after. He's not the man of my dreams... no one ever will be, but he's the sweetest most wonderful man I've ever been with. He's honest. That's a first for me. He doesn't manipulate me into doing things that I don't want to do, or worse things that are horrible for me. He wants me to do things that are good for me, for L and those things will ultimately be good for us. For once I got lucky and for once I recognize that my past adult relationships were unhealthy from the start. I love J. Not the insanely, uncontrollable passion that characterized my adolescent relationships, but a deeper more stable love, with passion that doesn't pour over into stupid fights about nothing, passion that in that respect is controlled and steady. I'm more cautious and yes, I've wanted to run away, but instead I listened and supported J through his issues and I'm closer to him than I ever was with anyone before. I'm not thinking marriage right away like I always have in the past. I recognize that it will come in time and the road there is the best part. I'd like to think that this is headed in that direction and that one day, if he doesn't propose to me, I'll get off my high horse and propose to him. But not today, not tomorrow, not even next month. I want to love him for years and not blow it by some silly moment of insecurity. I love him.

The Trees on the Mountain

It was a rough start to the month. I was hospitalized again, but I got the med change I so desperately needed. I got out of the hospital and quit the job that was making me miserable and am looking into studying for my advanced CNA. I may not be able to handle the elderly population, but I sure as hell can handle babies and children. Ideally I'd get a job with the children's hospital here in town and work my ass off to save up money to go to grad school... or just to be able to hold my head above water.

So grad school... I don't know if I want to go anymore. I'm hesitating and feeling like maybe it's just not necessary anymore. Maybe I've done all I'm supposed to do with music. *sigh* I'm not going to lie and say that J has nothing to do with this ponderance. I am frightened of the possibility of losing him if I go. I don't want to be 2 or 3 states away from him when he's becoming such a huge part of my life. I love him so much. I don't even see it as giving up on my dreams. I see it as the possibility of exploring a new dream. But still... I'm too talented to just let it go like that though. I have such a desire and such a yearning to prove myself to not only the world at large, but myself as well.

I'm jumping around here, but that's mainly cause my brain is too. Med changes are a bitch though... I'm not nearly as sleepy as I was the first few weeks on my new meds, and I'm really happy about that. Unfortunately, my doctor has decided he's worried about my kidneys and is putting me on Ace Inhibitors... I don't know how I feel about it... mostly scared. He said that it was just to make sure they're protected early. *sigh* It's just been a hell of a month. Oh, and another person died... this time my great-uncle. I knew it was coming... cause these things happen in threes. So, Jessica, Maria and Herbie are the first three of the year. I hope there isn't another set of three.