Wake me up when September ends

I know I haven't written much this month. Truth be told, I'm so overwhelmed with what's going on that I don't know what to write. I may have found a place to live in Wisconsin, I have a job lined up, I'm way ahead of schedule in packing and I reserved the moving truck. It's all just so much and I don't know what to do to calm myself down. I spent a whirlwind weekend up north last weekend and it was so exhausting because it was so busy. I ended up sleeping all day on Monday. I felt awful calling in to work, but I couldn't possibly make it through the day without falling asleep at my desk. I'm finally rested though.

I'm kind of freaking out because I'm going to be losing my health insurance as of tomorrow. I don't know what the deal is. I've been calling and calling and calling to find out what's going on and of course no one calls me back. *sigh* So, hopefully I will be able to get this fixed. I hate bureauocracy.

I like you so much better when you're naked

Work is pissing me off. I've been busting my ass this week, trying to get things done, but does my boss care that I have class tonight? Oh hell no. He asked me which was more important, my class or my job. So instead tonight I'm working in place of going to class. I am NOT amused. I don't care what he says or asks or offers, I am not not not going to work on Friday. I am finally going home for the first time in nearly a year and I'm not going to have him ruin it. He can be as unpleasant as he wants.. I'll just ignore him. Okay.. rant done.

Everybody Hurts

I'm in a mood today... it might be because I forgot to take my meds a few days this week, but I think a lot of it has to do with the weather. It's gloomy and icky and blah outside today. To be honest, I usually prefer these days to sunny days cause I hate how bright the sun is. Anywho... my room is mostly packed.. I have to go through my clothing and put away the spring/summer clothing and take out the fall/winter stuff so that I can declare that part of packing done, but I've got my enormous piles of goodwill clothing ready to go. I am so happy I'm getting rid of so much. I'm even getting rid of my wedding dress. I should have done it a while ago, but I wasn't ready to. I know I finally am though. It's been 5 years since the divorce and it's time. I don't have a daughter who is going to want to wear it someday either, so I see no reason to keep it. I'm totally getting a receipt for it though... it's a $1200 dress. I'm going to be claiming it on my taxes.

I was treated to white trash theater this morning at 4am. Once of my neighbors was screaming into her cell phone with her... significant other? I'm not sure who, but good lord it was annoying. I'm not a fan of being awakened in the middle of the night to begin with, but when you're yelling at your boyfriend outside at 4am cause you don't want to wake your family up, but have no problem waking your neighbors, I get a little pissy. So, then, the neighbor guy (who is a total douche on most occasions) pokes his head outside and tells her to be quiet cause he has to work in the morning (total lie), and she calls him a fag (which now makes her dead to me) and a liar and to mind his own business. I'm sorry, but when you have a public argument on your cell phone and then with your children, it becomes the neighborhood's business. So I called the cops, and douche called the cops and I'm pretty sure she got a ticket for disturbing the peace. God, I can't imagine why I would want to move away from all this. *sigh*

My mother reminded me of the time my brother, P, met J. Apparently, L had been so excited that Uncle P was coming for a visit, but by the time P arrived, J was over and they were reading a book together and L was so happy he could have cared less that Uncle P was there. I had completely forgotten about that, but it's such a good sign for the future. Especially when L still feels the same way now. :)

The Dog Days Are Over

Summer has come to its close and I'm packing up my home for a move to Wisconsin. I don't know how this is all going to work. I'm nervous and scared and unsure as to whether this is the right move. Even my mother has raised her concerns as to how well I will be able to handle being so close to her. A question that my therapist, S and I have raised, but it's more important for L to be close to family and support than it is for me to have a 600 + mile barrier between myself and her. Who knows, it might only be for a few years if J and I end up getting married or just living with one another. Nonetheless, I need to get out of here. It feels like a cage and that's just not fair to me or to L. I need to feel free to explore my talent and my life more fully and here in DSM I'm just stifled and cramped and feeling like I have no where to go but to stagnate and I won't do that to myself. Ideally, I would be moving in with J, but neither of us is ready for that stage. It would just be nice if I could see him on a somewhat regular schedule.

I've been missing him a lot lately. I don't know why.. I know I can talk to him pretty much whenever I feel like it. I guess it's just the physical aspect... not sex you dirty monkeys, but rather holding his hand, giving him a hug when he comes home from work, kissing him goodnight, being able to look at him when he talks. Just little things like that. I miss watching a movie with him and sharing a bowl of popcorn. I get to see him next month when we all are planning to go to visit him. It will be so nice to see him. :)

Lump

Well, so much for my plan to move in with J next spring... I'm moving to Appleton instead in December. Mainly, the reason is that S's grandmother isn't doing too well and she's going to go and live with her. I also think this might just be a good idea. I keep hearing statistics about how couples who live together prior to marriage are more likely to get a divorce later on and I don't want that for J and I. I want us to work because I don't want to lose my best friend to stupidity and being headstrong. I'm just impatient about things sometimes. I'd like to think he gets that way too, but he's much more timid than I am. He thinks things through more and that's good for me. It balances my impulsiveness and that's such a good thing. I'm just hoping this is the right choice. I hate the idea of packing up and moving, only to have to pack up and move again. I want stability for L and moving over and over again is not going to be help me create that for him.

So, I'm taking a developmental psych class, and I've come to the conclusion that outside of the initial trust vs mistrust crisis of the Erikson model of development, I have failed all the stages/crises that have come my way. I'm a little horrified that I'm failing life thus far, but you know, I'm not exactly surprised. *le sigh*

Thekla: Eine Geisterstimme

So, I was listening to music today and this popped up on my iPod. I cannot get it out of my head. It's so pretty, so ethereal, and naturally macabre. It's basically what a spirit would say if brought forth in a seance. Very cool. I'd translate it if I really felt like taking the time. Sorry kids...

Wo ich sei, und wo mich hingewendet,

Als mein flüchtiger Schatten dir entschwebt?
Hab' ich nicht beschlossen und geendet,
Hab' ich nicht geliebet und gelebt?


Willst du nach den Nachtigallen fragen,
Die mit seelenvoller Melodie
Dich entzückten in des Lenzes Tagen?
Nur so lang' sie liebten, waren sie.


Ob ich den Verlorenen gefunden?
Glaube mir, ich bin mit ihm vereint,
Wo sich nicht mehr trennt, was sich verbunden,
Dort, wo keine Träne wird geweint.


Dorten wirst auch du uns wieder finden,
Wenn dein Lieben unserm Lieben gleicht;
Dort ist auch der Vater, frei von Sünden,
Den der blut'ge Mord nicht mehr erreicht.

Und er fühlt, daß ihn kein Wahn betrogen,
Als er aufwärts zu den Sternen sah;
Denn, wie jeder wägt, wird ihm gewogen,
Wer es glaubt, dem ist das Heil'ge nah.

Wort gehalten wird in jenen Räumen
Jedem schönen, gläubigen Gefühl;
Wage du zu irren und zu träumen,
Hoher Sinn liegt oft [in kind'schem]1 Spiel.

Ain't No Rest For The Wicked

Talked with J tonight. I really miss him. I know he misses me too. I'm just lonesome I suppose. So much has happened in the last week and all I really need is him to talk to about it. He reminds me that reality exists, but that it's not that bad. My head still may go into the clouds from time to time, but he knows when to bring me back down. I'd also like a hug and kiss and a "it'll be alright" from him. I've done very well about not breaking down over all this, but it's just so hard not to. E is so excited that I'm coming home. She's looking for housing and jobs for me and it's really quite sweet of her, I just... I wish it weren't happening so quickly. I hate that L has to switch schools midyear. I remember doing that myself as a child and I always felt so awkward and uncomfortable. *sigh* I guess the best I can do is tell him I love him and that I will always love him.

Requiem for a Dream

In the last week I've had to give up my dreams of being a college professor and I've decided to move home to Appleton next spring. To be honest, I'm heartbroken. I haven't let anyone know how upset I am. There's no point because it's not going to help anything if I tell everyone how horribly unfair it is. I'm trying to look forward to this next step, but it's difficult when I realize that this is as far as it goes for me. There's a part of me that wishes I'd never had L so I could be as selfish with my time as I like. However, that eliminates the best thing in my life. It's his turn to be the rockstar and my time to grow up and be a parent, not some child chasing after unattainable dreams. Doesn't change the fact that it hurts. It's excruciating.

It doesn't help that I'm lonely too. In planning this move home, I've had to realize just how lonely I am. I never see my close friends other than S. In moving home, I get so many friends back, not to mention family members. I'll actually get to see P when he comes home and I'll get to spend time with B and my nephew. I'll even be able to go see J on a regular basis. I'm trying to find the positive side of this whole thing... I'm trying.

Creep

*sigh* I'm giving up on grad school. K gave me a "come-to-Jesus" talk and I had to listen. I didn't enjoy having reality thrown at me, but she's right. Going to grad school right now would be selfish and wrong. L deserves a childhood with his mom around, so I'm going to do my best and make things work for us. I'm just really scared that I'll never get to follow through with my dreams. I'm going to start my voice studio and I'm going to join a professional choir and I'm going to take voice lessons. I will be immersed in music as best I can be.

King's Crossing (lyrics)

So, I know I don't do this, but this song is getting me through today and I highly recommend it. It's by Elliott Smith - a genius who committed suicide a few years back... by stabbing himself through the heart. Say what you will, but that's commitment. Well, without further ado....

The king's crossing was the main attraction


Dominoes falling in a chain reaction

A scraping subject ruled by fear

Told me whiskey works better than beer

The judge is on vinyl, decisions are final

And nobody gets a reprieve

And every wave is tidal - if you hang around

You're going to get wet

I can't prepare for death any more than I already have

All you can do now is watch the shells

The game looks easy, that's why it sells

Frustrated fireworks inside your head

Are going to stand and deliver talk instead

The method acting that pays my bills

Keeps a fat man feeding in Beverly Hills

I got a heavy metal mouth that hurls obscenity

And I get my check in from the trash treasury

Because I took my own insides out

It don't matter 'cos I have no sex life

And all I want to do now is inject my ex-wife

I've seen the movie and I know what happens

It's Christmas time, and the needles on the tree

A skinny Santa is bringing something to me

His voice is overwhelming, but his speech is slurred

And I only understand every other word

Open your parachute and grab your gun

Fall down like an omen, a setting sun

Read the part and return at five

It's a hell of a role if you can keep it alive

But I don't care if I fuck up

I'm going on a date with a rich white lady

Ain't life great?

Give me one good reason not to do it

(Because I love you)

So do it

This is the place where time reverses

Dead men talk to all the pretty nurses

Instruments shine on a silver tray

Don't let me get carried away

Don't let me get carried away

Don't let me be carried away