In the last week I've had to give up my dreams of being a college professor and I've decided to move home to Appleton next spring. To be honest, I'm heartbroken. I haven't let anyone know how upset I am. There's no point because it's not going to help anything if I tell everyone how horribly unfair it is. I'm trying to look forward to this next step, but it's difficult when I realize that this is as far as it goes for me. There's a part of me that wishes I'd never had L so I could be as selfish with my time as I like. However, that eliminates the best thing in my life. It's his turn to be the rockstar and my time to grow up and be a parent, not some child chasing after unattainable dreams. Doesn't change the fact that it hurts. It's excruciating.
It doesn't help that I'm lonely too. In planning this move home, I've had to realize just how lonely I am. I never see my close friends other than S. In moving home, I get so many friends back, not to mention family members. I'll actually get to see P when he comes home and I'll get to spend time with B and my nephew. I'll even be able to go see J on a regular basis. I'm trying to find the positive side of this whole thing... I'm trying.
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