christmas is all around

Holy hell was black Friday brutal. I was a fool and got up at 4am to go shopping... I did get everything I was looking for and that was nice. Boo is gonna have a fabulous Christmas. I'm pleased. Life overall has been going well. I'm lonesome a bit... I think whatever I had going on with S is over and done with. He made it pretty clear he really didn't want it so I'm letting him go. I love him, but I deserve more than what he can give me. It breaks my heart, but I have to stand up for myself. Isn't there some saying about if you love someone, set them free.... I guess that's what I'm doing and being all noble like. Too bad it feels like utter shit."loneliness is the human condition - cultivate it." And I so I do. I just wish.... a lot of things.

call and answer

I've had it stuck in my head for weeks now. Maybe I should just listen to it continuously until it is finally gone. Tomorrow I get to spend the day working. I'm actually kind of stoked to do it too. Today was a boring shit of a day and I could use something going on. I put up and decorated the tree and ended up wishing I were home only to find out that there was a bunch of drama there that I've learned I can't deal with. Long story short: I have an uncle who's a drunk and a mean one at that. Awesome. So perhaps my boring turkey-less thanksgiving wasn't so bad after all. Personally I think it's a bullshit holiday to begin with...

the end is the beginning is the end

I'm writing again. Nothing fantastic or anything but just the act itself should suffice for now. I've been too angry lately to write anything of quality. Aspects of my life just haven't been going to plan and people have just been driving me batty. Thank god for a creativity notebook. I wish I had more to say this morning but I really don't. At least I've learned how to stand up for myself and when to quit fighting for and about things. My sanity is more important than everyone else and there comes a time when I have to love me more than others. It will anger some but in all honesty, screw them cause if they really cared they'd understand and support it. Sadly, some people think it's always about them.

An old poem from this past spring

Caged
Spent three days
In the psych ward.
I was scared, lonely,
But mostly just bored.

What the hell happened?
How'd I land there?
Maybe it's cause I was suicidal
And thought no one would care.

One guy had been there
For fifty-four days.
Which only scared me more
In this horribly surreal daze.

My mother came running
From the state of Michigan.
Another nine hour drive
Because I'd lost my mind again.

I hate that I'm so broken
That I can barely function.
I'm sick of being such a burden,
But I've no choice at this junction.

not a pretty girl

Yeah I know it seems like such a dour title, but it's really not. I've just been listening to a lot of Ani DiFranco lately. I'm still as confused and scared as ever. How exciting for me. I'm trying to keep focused on the happy though. Choir tonight. Practicing this afternoon. Harry Potter tonight... I can't wait. Ever since the last book came out I've had little else to look forward to... at least in the land of literature.

To be honest, right now I'm just tired of feeling so lost. Perhaps all of this is just a foolish mistake made by my following my heart. I've always been guilty of doing so and it often gets me in trouble. Unfortunately its just how I'm wired. I follow my heart and have little choice to do otherwise. I love with all my heart and without reservation. I just wish I could receive that in return. I deserve it and its one of those things that almost feels like a requirement. And yet I'm so reserved when it comes to displaying affection. At least I can acknowledge it I guess.

unsure...

The last few weeks have been wrought with complication and uncertainty. I'm not really a fan of either. In many ways the heartbreak was easier because at least then I knew what to expect. Now there's complication and so much uncertainty that I'm constantly wondering where I stand. Sure I have people in my life telling me to walk away, but at the same time I wonder if they've ever felt this way for anyone in their lives. I love these people and I know they're trying to protect me, but I have to see this through. I have to be able to look in the mirror and know that I tried and that I did everything in my power to make this work. Besides they don't have to live my life, I do and they don't worry about my happiness, I do. But the best part is I know how much they love me and that they'd do anything to protect me.

Most people have a strong family dynamic. I never really did so instead I've cobbled together this amazing motley crew of friends who are my family. Who says you can't pick your family? All they want for me is my happiness and health and for the most part I've got it. I have some great new additions and I'm so glad for them. They make life here so much more bearable. I've even got a fondue party scheduled for early Saturday evening so we all can hangout and chat. Sure it'll probably end at some pub with us playing pool and Jason bitching about the band, but what a fun dynamic. I love my Bohemian modge podge family.

magic man

I know I'm a bit melodramatic, but I'm sure the world will be happy to know that my foreboding has gone. It's like I spent a couple days at Orange and am back down to yellow. Thank goodness cause my nerves can't handle that shit. I have felt like I'm in purgatory lately and I know it's my own bloody fault. I'm a fool, even if my closest friends say I'm not. Or maybe I really am just insane. Who knows?

Been listening to a lot of Leonard Cohen and reading a lot more. It's been nice to establish a routine and to actually expand my non-classical music leanings. But the. Thing I've found best for me is my near daily writing in my journal. nothing I would dare put here, but it gets everything out in a way that is at least healthy.

hmmmmm

My sense of foreboding is kicking in full force. I don't want it to be true, but I feel the need to pause and listen to the silence enveloping me. What is it trying to say? I've spent a lot of time praying, last night being the first time since childhood I've knelt by my bed and prayed in utter sincerity. I must have spent ten minutes just saying "please". I want this and I know I can handle it, even if the world disagrees. I've been so worried I'm beginning to notice physical reactions to the stress. It's okay though. What in life that is worth anything comes easily? I'm prepared to struggle and I'm prepared to sit back and let it ride.

I'm sticking with you cause I'm made out of glue...

I'm just happy lately. I love how things are going and am just hoping it continues. I have so much ahead of me that I'm hoping for and it excites me. I am happy with so much in my life. I have a living arrangement that works for me and an awesome child to be proud of daily. The last couple nights I've had the idyllic joy of coming home and watching movies. Last night it was Disney and Chinese food and tonight it's Juno and salad. Mmmmm.

I wish this feeling would never end. I know it can't but I certainly can enjoy it in the meantime.

dealing

I'm not exactly the poster child for dealing, but I've honestly been digging through things and forcing myself to deal with things that have happened. My usual defense mechanism is sarcasm. I use it to push people away when they get too close and it has cost me dearly. But I'm tired of it all. I've been making myself miserable this way and I need to deal with a lot of crap so I can finally let it go. The thing that bothers me is not really having anyone who can be supportive about this. I need to do it alone though and I realize that. It's just daunting and unfamiliar. No one else experienced it though, so how can I expect them to understand?

I've been more social because of all this. I'm realizing just how special I am and how much I deserve the happiness I'm chasing. I will have the life I've dreamed of and no one can stop me from achieving it. I can only hope that they'll want to come along for the ride (in the figurative sense - I've already screwed over people by trying that literally). I am worthy of my dreams and I do deserve it. I just have to stop sabotaging myself.

got a case of the crazies?

So I was chatting with my roommate and turns out that the government within my state is attempting to remove some psych mess from their Medicaid coverage list. Now I'm not exactly thrilled to find out my Abilify might be removed from my list cause it's kind of a miracle drug for me. A year ago I was a complete mess and with its addition to my meds I am proud to say I'm well adjusted for the first time in my entire life.

The thing that was the straw that broke the camel's back last year was the break up with S. I won't give it all the credit though. Turns out my mother and Logan get the lion's share of the blame. So what happened? I went a little bat shit and ended up in a psychiatric intensive outpatient program that in all reality saved my life. I learned coping mechanisms that my mother should have taught me and made some amazing friends who I love immensely. I know a lot of people who believe this was a horrible and traumatic experience for me, but that's the thing: it wasn't. I learned things, I gained confidence and I was forced to accept my condition and the realities of it. It was exactly the experience I needed.

I guess what bothers me most is that so few people bother to really understand mental illness. It's generally greeted by the masses with a great deal of fear that is unwarranted in most cases. I take my meds and sure sometimes they stop working, but I definitely try to avoid that and accept that that's just part of the whole condition. I just wish I had more people in my life who understood all of this and who want to be supportive.

hazy shade of winter

Winter is coming too goddamn soon. I got up for work this morning and went out with a wet head only for my first words to be: fucking Christ. I hate winter. Oh well though. I have a Christmas concert I'm looking forward to performing in and a week without the child that should be awesomesauce indeed. So I spent the day working with some pretty decent people. N. and B. made the day worth having gone in.

In other news I have the cold of death that I'm currently fighting off, courtesy of S. and his tendency to incubate plagues this year. Speaking of which, things with he and I are going pretty well. I'm happy this far so I'll just keep going wig it for now. I'm not used to all this optimism stuff but it is starting to poke its head out. Go me, right? Right now I'm listening to him working on learning the whole of Stairway to Heaven and things just feel so normal and not strained like I've been so worried about them being. This is how it should have been.