I had a fabulous weekend. I got to see L for the first time in almost 2 weeks and we travelled up to Madison to meet my mother so she could take Liam for her week. S managed to get us a 3.5 star hotel for only $60!! I was thrilled. We had a lovely king sized bed and the bathroom was awesome... then again, I'm easily impressed. I love going on mini-breaks. I realize as I write this, I have never been on vacation with a significant other. I would love to do that. Explore a city or country with someone and have fun like that. It would be so much fun. Maybe someday. :)
It was fabulous getting to see L. He's such a cutie and was just as excited to see me as I was to see him. He took the puppy with him up to my mother's so it's a quiet house tonight. I miss having Clara around. She made L's absence a little easier. But then again, I'm off to Chicago on Wednesday to see J and have a great time. We're celebrating our birthdays by going out to a fancy dinner and having drinks at the Hancock building. I get to stay until Sunday and it's going to be awesome. I'll bring my computer with so I can keep updating and it'll be fantastic. I'm seriously excited. :)
31.7.11
21.7.11
King's Crossing
So, I just needlessly tortured myself by sitting in bed thinking to myself what a failure at relationships and love I must be if I compare myself to L's dad. He's been in the same relationship for going on 5 years... about how long our entire relationship was... Granted, she's no catch. This is the woman who hit my child because he wouldn't call her "mommy". But still, I'm moderately jealous because I've been fighting to get over that one relationship during these 5 years and have finally succeeded.. and he's been blissfully in a relationship this whole time and what have I to show for it? A relationship that just ended because I ran away like I always do. We were happy for the most part, but I pulled away and then J pulled away and it's my fault... well.. the demise of it is my fault. I miss him so much.. I've missed him a lot today. I nearly called him, but what would I say. "hi, it's me. I miss you and hope you miss me just as much and maybe we made a mistake in ending it, do you wanna try again?" Seriously. I can't call because that's precisely what I'd want to say and I don't think I could handle the rejection that I would rightly receive. *sigh* I know I'm a silly, flippant woman, but I love him still and that doesn't stop just because we ended things. I wish I could hate him. This one is going to take a while to get over. I'm just glad I can finally say I'm over S. It's only taken 2 years and not to mention years of pining for him to get over everything. I'm such a fucking drama queen and the worst part is, I don't want to be. It just kind of comes at me.
L's been gone for almost a week now and I'm finally starting to miss him. He's good company during the day and so cuddly in the evenings... I hate thinking someone else is enjoying that, but oh well.. he's getting some much needed Daddy time and is headed up to his grandparents' home next week. He'll be thoroughly spoiled and insufferable by the time he gets home. :) I miss him tonight.
I spent much of this evening starting my applications for grad school. Some of them are willing to waive the application fees for people who are financially screwed (ie: yours truly), but there are a couple that seem to think they are God's gift to education and have a $75 application fee. Seriously? that's just ridiculously expensive, especially when you factor in my having to take the GRE as well. Thankfully it's half priced right now because they're changing the test. I'm excited though. I'm looking at four schools, all in the Midwest and closer to home than the hell-hole that is Iowa. Honestly, I never expected to be here for 10 years. I thought it would be undergrad and out.. granted I didn't expect to have a baby at 20 and take 8 years to finish undergrad. But it all worked out for the best - especially the baby part. He's not a baby anymore though... he's definitely a boy now and amazingly he's almost a young man... the next 3-4 years are just going to fly by and I just can't believe how fast it's going already. He'll be 12 by the time I finish with all my grad school stuff. Just freaking wow, Batman. I wonder what he'll be like, what he'll look like, and more importantly, if he'll have rebelled against his father and let out all the repressed anger towards him that he's letting build up. That fireworks show will be one to behold. I might even sell tickets.
L's been gone for almost a week now and I'm finally starting to miss him. He's good company during the day and so cuddly in the evenings... I hate thinking someone else is enjoying that, but oh well.. he's getting some much needed Daddy time and is headed up to his grandparents' home next week. He'll be thoroughly spoiled and insufferable by the time he gets home. :) I miss him tonight.
I spent much of this evening starting my applications for grad school. Some of them are willing to waive the application fees for people who are financially screwed (ie: yours truly), but there are a couple that seem to think they are God's gift to education and have a $75 application fee. Seriously? that's just ridiculously expensive, especially when you factor in my having to take the GRE as well. Thankfully it's half priced right now because they're changing the test. I'm excited though. I'm looking at four schools, all in the Midwest and closer to home than the hell-hole that is Iowa. Honestly, I never expected to be here for 10 years. I thought it would be undergrad and out.. granted I didn't expect to have a baby at 20 and take 8 years to finish undergrad. But it all worked out for the best - especially the baby part. He's not a baby anymore though... he's definitely a boy now and amazingly he's almost a young man... the next 3-4 years are just going to fly by and I just can't believe how fast it's going already. He'll be 12 by the time I finish with all my grad school stuff. Just freaking wow, Batman. I wonder what he'll be like, what he'll look like, and more importantly, if he'll have rebelled against his father and let out all the repressed anger towards him that he's letting build up. That fireworks show will be one to behold. I might even sell tickets.
16.7.11
The Way I Am
I'm having a seriously lazy day. It's 2:30pm and I haven't gotten out of my jammies yet. I don't really mind it either. Clara is sleeping at the foot of my bed and S is sitting next to me reading while L is at the pool with his friend and his family. I've been thinking about maybe joining them, but that's a lot of effort to put forth. I know that sounds incredibly bad, but at least I'm down with the fact that I'm depressed. Plus it's too f'ing hot out today. I personally don't even think L should be out in it, but I'm not gonna be the bitchy mom who says no to fun. I usually am anyways. Besides, I'm not in the mood to go fry so he can have fun. Let his friend's mom do that. Christ I'm bitchy today. I was even picking on the people on tv. *sigh*
One more day and L is gone for 3 weeks. I'm excited that he's going. He'll get time with his dad, and both sets of grandparents. And I get a much needed break. I'm going to miss him, but I'm going to try to enjoy the time. I don't get breaks the rest of the year, so this will be epic. I'm celebrating by seeing Harry Potter tomorrow night. It'll be fantastic. :)
One more day and L is gone for 3 weeks. I'm excited that he's going. He'll get time with his dad, and both sets of grandparents. And I get a much needed break. I'm going to miss him, but I'm going to try to enjoy the time. I don't get breaks the rest of the year, so this will be epic. I'm celebrating by seeing Harry Potter tomorrow night. It'll be fantastic. :)
14.7.11
Better Off Dead
I'm not having the greatest of days. I'm depressed and I barely thought of reason why. I just am. I want to be able to cut myself, but I don't want to have to hide it. I'm tired of feeling so shitty all of the time. I know a lot of it has to do with the fact that I just had a major breakup, but at the same time, I just want to be happy. My trip to Chicago has been postponed by a week, which isn't a big deal, but it really really sucks. I just wanted to be able to go when I wanted to go. I know that it's silly to get worked up over something so minute... I mean, I'm still going for crying in the mud, but right now, the disappointment is almost more than I can take. I guess I'm just tired. Tired of waiting, tired of feeling like I'm drifting and the thing that's been annoying me most is now that I've realized I'm ready for the marriage thing again, I want it now. *sigh* But that's the spoiled brat in me coming out. It'll happen, I just don't know when and that's okay. Hell, it could even be that I already know my future husband, I just don't know it yet. I don't know though. I hate never knowing what the future holds. I'm a planner, and how am I supposed to plan if I don't know what's coming?
I actually found myself debating ways of committing suicide today. Part of it was because of this stupid link my brother sent me of a teddy bear attempting suicide and failing at it. I guess if I were to do it, I'd want something quick. I'm scared of pain. Either a gunshot though my brain stem or a guillotine would be the best ways, but definitely most difficult to bring about. I just wish I felt like people would genuinely miss me. I could disappear and no one would notice. *sigh* enough of this macabre topic. I think it's definitely time for bed. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.
I actually found myself debating ways of committing suicide today. Part of it was because of this stupid link my brother sent me of a teddy bear attempting suicide and failing at it. I guess if I were to do it, I'd want something quick. I'm scared of pain. Either a gunshot though my brain stem or a guillotine would be the best ways, but definitely most difficult to bring about. I just wish I felt like people would genuinely miss me. I could disappear and no one would notice. *sigh* enough of this macabre topic. I think it's definitely time for bed. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.
13.7.11
Into the Fire
I'm doing better than I was yesterday. Then again, yesterday was just an awful day all around. I would complain more about it, but I'm just putting it behind me. I'm just glad I lived through it. I'm just looking forward to Liam's departure on Sunday and after that going to see my friend J in Chicago. I haven't seen him in like a year so it's definitely overdue. We've decided on how we're going to celebrate our birthdays - drinkies at the Hancock Building and then out to dinner somewhere. Maybe for the fun of it, I'll dress up all pretty for him. Oh goodness, let's be honest, I'm doing it for me. I just want to feel pretty lately and this is definitely a boost.
My latest obsession is John Adams... yes, as in the second president of these States united. I saw the mini-series a few weeks ago and am starting to hack through the 600+ page biography the series is based upon. So far so good. I'm also reading the collected letters of John and his wife, Abigail. I'm not very far into it - only one letter - but gracious I wish a man would write me letters like that. They're eloquent with such love between the lines. He truly adored her without having all the letters being all mushy and uncomfortably intimate. He just writes about his time away from her and that he misses the counsel of his "dearest friend". How sweet. It's so nice to have finally found something worth reading. I've been floundering in the sea of not-so-great fiction. Ick.
I've been keeping busy though. Lots of trips to the pool and I'm starting to get a very nice tan. I've been writing more... mostly journaling, and of course reading more. I'm working on my pieces for my auditions and am getting more and more excited about them. I'll be fabulous of course. :) I'm just happy the way things are going right now. I've applied for a few jobs with the school district and have decided on my back up plan, should grad school not work out. I've decided I'll actually go back and get my teaching license. I should have done it in the first place, but it was way too much coloring and not enough actual work for me. But it may be necessary. *sigh* I don't want to have to teach high school, middle school or elementary students, but if necessary, I will. Maybe I'll go back and get my license in English.. I could teach that or maybe Kindergarten. I don't know. We'll just have to see how it goes. I'm getting in to grad school. So i don't really have to worry about it. :)
My latest obsession is John Adams... yes, as in the second president of these States united. I saw the mini-series a few weeks ago and am starting to hack through the 600+ page biography the series is based upon. So far so good. I'm also reading the collected letters of John and his wife, Abigail. I'm not very far into it - only one letter - but gracious I wish a man would write me letters like that. They're eloquent with such love between the lines. He truly adored her without having all the letters being all mushy and uncomfortably intimate. He just writes about his time away from her and that he misses the counsel of his "dearest friend". How sweet. It's so nice to have finally found something worth reading. I've been floundering in the sea of not-so-great fiction. Ick.
I've been keeping busy though. Lots of trips to the pool and I'm starting to get a very nice tan. I've been writing more... mostly journaling, and of course reading more. I'm working on my pieces for my auditions and am getting more and more excited about them. I'll be fabulous of course. :) I'm just happy the way things are going right now. I've applied for a few jobs with the school district and have decided on my back up plan, should grad school not work out. I've decided I'll actually go back and get my teaching license. I should have done it in the first place, but it was way too much coloring and not enough actual work for me. But it may be necessary. *sigh* I don't want to have to teach high school, middle school or elementary students, but if necessary, I will. Maybe I'll go back and get my license in English.. I could teach that or maybe Kindergarten. I don't know. We'll just have to see how it goes. I'm getting in to grad school. So i don't really have to worry about it. :)
12.7.11
The Edge of the Ocean
I hate money. I genuinely hate it. I think it is the root of everything that is evil and those that obsess over it are absolutely insane. It's not like you can take it with you when you die. It's a stupid thing to obsess over because all it does is make you want more and more and more. I hate money. Maybe it's because I never have any of it. Oh well, right.
I'm not really having a great day. I'm a bit down.. I miss J... I know he said I could call him anytime, but to be honest, I can't. It's just too hard to hear his voice and not tell him I love him. *sigh* I hate break ups. He called me a couple nights ago... it murdered sleep for me that night and I ended up crying again. I was just starting to get my feet under me again and to be able to walk with my head held high without feeling like crap about the break up. I hate that we had to break up. I hate that we did break up. And I hate that I can't just call him and beg him to let me take it all back. It's for the best though. Chin up Aimee Lou...
I'm not really having a great day. I'm a bit down.. I miss J... I know he said I could call him anytime, but to be honest, I can't. It's just too hard to hear his voice and not tell him I love him. *sigh* I hate break ups. He called me a couple nights ago... it murdered sleep for me that night and I ended up crying again. I was just starting to get my feet under me again and to be able to walk with my head held high without feeling like crap about the break up. I hate that we had to break up. I hate that we did break up. And I hate that I can't just call him and beg him to let me take it all back. It's for the best though. Chin up Aimee Lou...
10.7.11
Somewhere only we know
I've had a lovely weekend. It's been quiet and pleasant for the most part. Lots of time at the pool. I cleaned up a bit around the house and vacuumed my room. Just boring old stuff. Perfection to me. The only thing that's marred it has been Liam's behavior. He's been rebellious and just a regular pain in the arse. I'm so relieved that he'll be gone for 3 weeks starting next Sunday. Oh it will be such a nice break, but I'll miss him dreadfully. I wish I had more, but I'm tapped to be honest.
6.7.11
The Land Beyond the River
*sigh* I'm getting over him. Slowly, but surely. He managed to catapult me into the anger stage of grief over the holiday weekend. He texted me saying he hoped I had a good holiday. I sent back that I missed him. His response was "you are missed". Seriously?! That's not something you say to someone you spent nearly 7 months of your life with. That's something you say to a former co-worker who comes back to visit and you're the one screwed into doing their old job. Granted, now if I heard back from him an "I miss you" I would definitely wonder if he'd read this and was merely placating me. I don't need that. I just can't believe I was so wrong about him. The man I loved would have loved me enough to say it back. I'm completely floored. Thank God things ended when they did because if they had gone further, I would hate to see what else would have come out of the cracks. I still miss him, but I know now that I was completely wrong about him and that he was completely wrong for me.
In other news, I had a really nice holiday weekend. It was relaxing and fun and everything I needed it to be. I had friends over for barbeque and swimming and s'mores and we all had so much fun. Plus today I got together with C and J and the kiddos and had lunch. It was so nice just to surround myself with people who love me for who I am and accept me. I've needed that lately. It's been a nice weekend.
In other news, I had a really nice holiday weekend. It was relaxing and fun and everything I needed it to be. I had friends over for barbeque and swimming and s'mores and we all had so much fun. Plus today I got together with C and J and the kiddos and had lunch. It was so nice just to surround myself with people who love me for who I am and accept me. I've needed that lately. It's been a nice weekend.
2.7.11
By Starlight
Today I'm doing a little better. I'm still despondent, but I recognize there is nothing I can do by crying and wishing things were different. They aren't and they're not going to be. I'm trying very hard to give myself a good pep talk here in hopes that I won't be crying myself to sleep again. I wish I had more to say, but I find myself unable to really think today about anything outside of "I miss J." "I should call him." But I know that I shouldn't. I should allow him space just like I need to get over this.
I talked to a couple of friends about what's going on and S thinks it's all for the best as does M, A, and B. It's nice that they're being supportive and letting me cry on their shoulders. I find that I can only merely talk about it though.. my tear ducts are too proud to let me cry in front of anyone, excepting S.
I talked to a couple of friends about what's going on and S thinks it's all for the best as does M, A, and B. It's nice that they're being supportive and letting me cry on their shoulders. I find that I can only merely talk about it though.. my tear ducts are too proud to let me cry in front of anyone, excepting S.
1.7.11
Before it Breaks
I miss J. I want to text him, to call him and tell him that too. I keep thinking of things that I miss already that I'll never hear him say or call me again. It took him months to be able to call me Aimee Lou - everyone calls me that - and I remember how thrilled I was to hear it out of him. Not talking to him is unbearable, but I know this is for the best. I just wish I had the fortitude to be so firm in my resolve all the time. I've left my phone at home more often than not lately just to avoid the temptation, but I still run to it once I'm home hoping that he's sent me a word. How pathetic. How utterly pathetic of me. I hate this, why can't you just be suited for someone because you love them? Why can't loving them just be enough? Why can't it just be fair?! I know I've said this before, and I'm sure it'll come back to bite me in the ass too, but I'm done with men for a while. I need to focus on my future and I can't do that when I know I'm just going to be leaving in a year. I just hope I quit crying myself to sleep soon.
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