So, I just needlessly tortured myself by sitting in bed thinking to myself what a failure at relationships and love I must be if I compare myself to L's dad. He's been in the same relationship for going on 5 years... about how long our entire relationship was... Granted, she's no catch. This is the woman who hit my child because he wouldn't call her "mommy". But still, I'm moderately jealous because I've been fighting to get over that one relationship during these 5 years and have finally succeeded.. and he's been blissfully in a relationship this whole time and what have I to show for it? A relationship that just ended because I ran away like I always do. We were happy for the most part, but I pulled away and then J pulled away and it's my fault... well.. the demise of it is my fault. I miss him so much.. I've missed him a lot today. I nearly called him, but what would I say. "hi, it's me. I miss you and hope you miss me just as much and maybe we made a mistake in ending it, do you wanna try again?" Seriously. I can't call because that's precisely what I'd want to say and I don't think I could handle the rejection that I would rightly receive. *sigh* I know I'm a silly, flippant woman, but I love him still and that doesn't stop just because we ended things. I wish I could hate him. This one is going to take a while to get over. I'm just glad I can finally say I'm over S. It's only taken 2 years and not to mention years of pining for him to get over everything. I'm such a fucking drama queen and the worst part is, I don't want to be. It just kind of comes at me.
L's been gone for almost a week now and I'm finally starting to miss him. He's good company during the day and so cuddly in the evenings... I hate thinking someone else is enjoying that, but oh well.. he's getting some much needed Daddy time and is headed up to his grandparents' home next week. He'll be thoroughly spoiled and insufferable by the time he gets home. :) I miss him tonight.
I spent much of this evening starting my applications for grad school. Some of them are willing to waive the application fees for people who are financially screwed (ie: yours truly), but there are a couple that seem to think they are God's gift to education and have a $75 application fee. Seriously? that's just ridiculously expensive, especially when you factor in my having to take the GRE as well. Thankfully it's half priced right now because they're changing the test. I'm excited though. I'm looking at four schools, all in the Midwest and closer to home than the hell-hole that is Iowa. Honestly, I never expected to be here for 10 years. I thought it would be undergrad and out.. granted I didn't expect to have a baby at 20 and take 8 years to finish undergrad. But it all worked out for the best - especially the baby part. He's not a baby anymore though... he's definitely a boy now and amazingly he's almost a young man... the next 3-4 years are just going to fly by and I just can't believe how fast it's going already. He'll be 12 by the time I finish with all my grad school stuff. Just freaking wow, Batman. I wonder what he'll be like, what he'll look like, and more importantly, if he'll have rebelled against his father and let out all the repressed anger towards him that he's letting build up. That fireworks show will be one to behold. I might even sell tickets.
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