Better Off Dead

I'm not having the greatest of days. I'm depressed and I barely thought of reason why. I just am. I want to be able to cut myself, but I don't want to have to hide it. I'm tired of feeling so shitty all of the time. I know a lot of it has to do with the fact that I just had a major breakup, but at the same time, I just want to be happy. My trip to Chicago has been postponed by a week, which isn't a big deal, but it really really sucks. I just wanted to be able to go when I wanted to go. I know that it's silly to get worked up over something so minute... I mean, I'm still going for crying in the mud, but right now, the disappointment is almost more than I can take. I guess I'm just tired. Tired of waiting, tired of feeling like I'm drifting and the thing that's been annoying me most is now that I've realized I'm ready for the marriage thing again, I want it now. *sigh* But that's the spoiled brat in me coming out. It'll happen, I just don't know when and that's okay. Hell, it could even be that I already know my future husband, I just don't know it yet. I don't know though. I hate never knowing what the future holds. I'm a planner, and how am I supposed to plan if I don't know what's coming?

I actually found myself debating ways of committing suicide today. Part of it was because of this stupid link my brother sent me of a teddy bear attempting suicide and failing at it. I guess if I were to do it, I'd want something quick. I'm scared of pain. Either a gunshot though my brain stem or a guillotine would be the best ways, but definitely most difficult to bring about. I just wish I felt like people would genuinely miss me. I could disappear and no one would notice. *sigh* enough of this macabre topic. I think it's definitely time for bed. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.