Everyday is a holiday

I am having a rough time right now. I have a new therapist and am back in IOP. I know I need to be in both places, but judas priest I am not happy about being back in IOP. It feels like I'm taking 2 or 3 steps back in life and I know a lot of it has to do with the holidays, winter, and my mother coming, but it cannot be ignored that the recent b.s. with S has had a enormous impact on me and has made me question my self worth again. I know I deserve more and I really feel like I made a good and empowering decision in walking away. I've made a new friend that might turn into something more and I'm really happy about that. I just think that the way S treated me has changed my attitude towards relationships and sex especially in some irrevocable way. I'm worried I'll be used again and I don't ever want that to happen again. I felt like his whore and like my words weren't important. This new person has been interested only in my words and thoughts and that is such a blessing. I know my thoughts and words are important, not just to him, but in most situations. I have known for the last 6 weeks why that crap with S had to happen. I had to know that walking away was the right decision and I had to know for certain that I wasn't going to regret it because I would be missing out on something. He's the cyanide in my cocoa krispies and I have to realize that the "connection" he and I have always had is NOT a good thing. It's toxic for me. I'm over romanticizing things with him because they were rarely good. It's just not healthy and I truly happier without him. I've come out of my frightened state and am trying to embrace the person I am and that the person I am was never good enough for him because it was too good for him. I am becoming proud of me.