It's been a really interesting day. Aside from recovering from a "blizzard", that is. I was catapulted back to my childhood as a violinist this morning by a group of middle schoolers playing christmas music at my church job. It was the first thing that's made me teary in a long time. I miss being that damn good at something. I know I was meant to follow my voice because it's a fantastic instrument and if I could just gain a little more confidence, I could really make something of myself doing it. But the violin was such a huge part of my life for 10 years. It was my main means of musical expression and I have days where I miss it almost like I'd miss a limb were it gone. I pick up my violin and often experience the joy that I used to, but it's mingled with frustration that I just don't have the time to do it like I used to and thusly my abilities are starting to really deteriorate. I know I could teach beginning and intermediate lessons, but I think it would just be too painful. Why? I honestly have no idea.
I need to work on starting my voice studio though. That is something I've really been thinking of for months now. I'm ready. I really am. I'm just scared of being the "grown up", which is weird because in most situations, I'm completely okay with being an adult about things. I just hear young voices though and think, a little less nasal and she's got a gorgeous voice. Granted I can't just turn them all into Emma Kirkby... such a huge pity though. But we do need our Maria Callas's and Natalie Dessays. I'm getting nervous about grad school and am starting to chicken out about it too. Is this really what I want? But then I think of a lifetime in retail and balk at it. I can't just be some retail slave for the rest of my natural life. I'm a musician and to not use that gift would be a waste of the talents God has bestowed upon me. Sure, more of the music I can perform is a different religion than me, but I've come to a certain level of peace with that. I may not believe in what I'm singing, but if I put my heart into it, perhaps I can affect someone who is listening who does believe in the content. This morning I sang the first movement from Bach's Magnificat and while I really don't believe in the message presented, I sang my heart out from the love of really excellent music. It was a gorgeous performance too. I love singing Bach as a general rule. He really knows how to notate and I swear he wrote polyphony in his sleep. Which bring me to my next thought...
I keep trying to pick my concentration for grad school. I've already chosen Music History, but I have to get more specific than that. I love Baroque and Classical music. I'll probably choose Baroque... but I have to get still more specific. Good gracious, I swear it's gonna be the death of me. Do I pick Bach and stick with a language I'm most comfortable with (German) or do I go out on a limb and choose one of the Italians (Vivaldi, Corelli, Boccherini are just a few of my great loves)? I do love a good Bach piece though, but everyone chooses mainstream composers like Bach. Which means there's tons of information out there. Good and bad. Good cause there's tons of information to go off of, but bad cause I'll have to sift through that crap to find what I'm looking for and someone will most likely have done a published paper on what I'm researching. See? There's just so much to consider. Vivaldi will lead me to Italy and back to my violin though. *sigh* what to do?
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