How does it feel?

It's hard for me to articulate how the last 2 months have felt. I spent a lot of the time feeling like I was walking on eggshells and what worse is I felt like I was being used for sex. Don't get me wrong, there's a part of me that's a little flattered, but seriously, I felt cheap and useless. All because he was more interested in the "chemistry" than in fixing what we both had broken. I felt blamed and accused everytime the subject came up. I would start trying to talk about how I felt and things that had bothered and upset me, and the next thing I know I've been berated for an hour and not said a word the entire time. How is it that he makes me feel that way? Like I can't stand up for myself? Like I'm there to validate him? I'm not. I'm worth so much more than that. I'm a beautiful, smart, sweet, loving, kind and caring woman and I'm tired of being used. It does mean that I have to develop a spine, but we all have to make concessions I suppose. I walked away from him after the last time we talked before Thanksgiving. I doubt he's even noticed. He made it so clear that he really didn't want to try to make this work. He talked about how every part of him said run, along with all of his friends who couldn't dream of supporting him through a decision they didn't like. I wish he weren't so dependent on what other people think. He'd be so much stronger of a person if he could manage that.

I'm still adjusting to my medication change. I hate the feeling that my head isn't really attached to me. Everything's swimmy and it makes me nauseous. I'm living though. I'm also feeling a little better about the whole depression thing. Sometimes we all have to question the where and why of things in order to better understand them. I often wonder why I didn't become some kind of doctor so that I could research depression and try to find a cure for it. Seriously, if ever I caught wind of some experimental procedure to cure depression, I would be first in line to have it done. While I am an advocate for mainstreaming the condition and making it more acceptable through public education, I would love to spend at least an hour where I'm normal. Sure I'm eclectic and spontaneous and fun like that, but I just want to not have to worry about whether my meds are going to stop working and whether I'm going to spend a day in bed feeling horrible. I would love to not have this condition be a part of me any longer. I know it will always be a part of my life though regardless of a cure. I will always watch my son for signs and symptoms. I will always empathize with those who actually do commit suicide and even more, I will probably always be a little jealous of them. I know that's morbid and a little concerning, but I've felt that way for years, and have only attempted to kill myself once. Today though, life feels bearable and that's the best I can ask for right now.