losing my religion

It's back to the psychiatrist with me. This med increase is NOT working and apparently I'm incredibly depressed and need to be looked at. I'm afraid this means inpatient. I don't know yet, but I guess we'll see today when I go in. I hate this part of depression the most. The part that has me isolating and feeling like I can't do anything or worse like I can't do anything right. This is the part that S hated the most and that he refused to understand. I could never get it across to him that it wasn't about him and that hurt unbearably because he always took it so seriously. I just needed him to be there for me and he seemed to think it was his job to fix me. He'd done it since high school. I feel badly that he felt the need to fix me, but I can't really apologize for being depressed. It's just the way I'm wired. My roommate suspects that it's my natural state. I think she may be right... which really stinks.

I know I need to go back to therapy, but there is no way I will go back to Morgain. She was too aggressive and too judgmental for me to feel like I was accomplishing anything. I need someone I feel I can actually confide in, not someone who's going to judge my every thought and accuse me of being a child at every turn. Granted she forced me to deal with a lot of my mother issues and that was most helpful. I still manage to use a lot of the skills she taught me for dealing with her. I still think IOP was the most beneficial thing that's ever happened to me. Learning how to actually cope was enormous for me.