Turpentine

Today has pretty much sucked. I wish I could be more eloquent about it, but it's just not there. I'm lucky to have such great friends though. S sent me mental hugs, K said she'd come and cry with me if I wanted, Ja brought his kids over and we went swimming and S said we can go shopping tonight. Distraction works for me *sigh* I know this is supposed to be for the best, but it hurts so fucking much.

Better Off Dead

J and I broke up this morning. I'm not okay. I'm not even resembling okay.

Lithium

Well, J and I are on a break. I don't know what to think of it. He believes I'm on my way out of the relationship and from what I gathered from him, he is too. It's really sad and upsetting. I love J. I love him so much it hurts sometimes, but maybe he's right. Maybe we aren't suited to one another... maybe we're just better off calling it quits now before hurt feelings get in the way. The only problem with all of that? I love him. How am I supposed to just walk away from someone I love? I've been taking some space trying to figure out what it is in my life that is bringing me down. I still don't know what it is, but J is convinced that it's him. *sigh* What am I supposed to do?

I spent most of today near tears from it. Just passing the time by watching Harry Potter and reading. My friend J, in Chicago, wants me to come visit him for his 30th birthday at the end of this month to cheer myself up. I think I'll go too. It's been 3 years since I've been to visit him and I could use the camaraderie. H said he'll come too so we'll all be able to hang out together and have a blast. H has the idea that we should go see this symphony orchestra that plays music from video games and J is all about it. I suppose I can geek out with them for a little while... as long as I get my day at the art museum and downtown. They're good boys and fun to hang out with and it's been... oh god.. at least 7 years since we all got together. I'm looking forward to it too. It'll be a blast.

Losing My Religion

I've walked away from religion lately. I was so hardcore about it this past winter and spring and now... I have bigger problems in my life to be honest. I miss it though. I miss having it as a central focus in my life and I know I need to stop being so lazy and just grit my teeth and do it. I like the feeling it has to offer me in terms of comfort and it's nice to know I'm not alone and that I have something important to lean on instead of just being the vapid narcissist that I know I am. I need a focus in my life so I don't become blurry and honestly, I feel fuzzy around the edges.

I'm getting more and more worried about grad school now that the prospect of it is looming on the horizon. I want Illinois State the most and Louisville second, but I have to take the GRE and the expense of that alone is just daunting. At least I can get my application fees waived, but it's so nerve wracking to try and find the right ways to get the scholarships I need. I'm a list maker and I've been making list after list after list of things I need to do, how much it's going to cost, what requirements each school has for admission, who I want to ask for my recommendations.. etc. It's just so overwhelming. I may have to ask S to help me sort all of this out and I need to know for certain what it is that I need. She's so awesomely organized and I just want a checklist for each school. I'm lucky to have her as my bff. She helps me to be less fuzzy.

The Other Way

I'm isolating myself. I just have a lot on my mind and I'm trying to sort it out. I'm trying to come up with my back-up plan if grad school doesn't work out. It's funny, but if grad school doesn't work, suddenly the entire world opens up to me. I can move anywhere, live anywhere, do anything. Isn't that weird how that works? I actually could move to Europe and there's no one to stop me. Crazy isn't it? And yet, I want school more. I want my dreams to come true and I want to be able to start paying off these damn student loans. I want to be able to have the life I've always dreamed of and I love that it's getting more and more tangible.

I don't have a lot tonight. I spent my day watching Harry Potter with L and S and had a great time. I worked on my cross stitch and washed my dog and took her for a walk. It was a wonderfully lazy day. :)

Rudie Can't Fail

I'm having a rough day. Therapy went great to be honest. I talked a lot about things that have been weighing on me. Mainly grad school and what that will mean for J and I. I'm nervous about it to be honest. I don't know if he'll be able to handle it, or if I will be either. I've done long-distance before and it sucks and the other part is, I don't know if I want to end up back here in Iowa. I have nothing but horrible horrible memories here and I just want to run away from them and leave them in the dust of my past. But J is like an immovable boulder. He can't go with me because he's anchored here and I respect that. I won't even ask him to come with me because I wouldn't do that to him. The only thing that could really entice me to move back here after I leave would be a job offer at Simpson or a marriage proposal. Neither of which I can envision coming in the next 3-4 years. I woke up today with realization that I'm ready for that again. I want to be married again and I want to be with someone forever. My realizing that doesn't mean J is ready for that though, and I understand that. But I'm ready again. Unfortunately, J thinks that marriage is a form of legal prostitution. It hurts to hear him say that, but he's entitled to his opinion. I think of marriage as a wonderful union between two people who love one another so much they not only want to tell the whole world, but they want to make a vow to their God to always love one another and to always cherish one another. It's a beautiful thing, not a way to control the other person through money. His opinion on it really makes me nervous to be honest. I'm not a harping wife. I'm not that person and he's lumping me in with the rest which hurts.

I guess overall, I'm nervous about my future with J. It's difficult to admit, but it's so true. I think the thing that I don't talk about is the thing that worries me the most. He's capable of cheating - he has in the past - and if I'm gone away to school, what's to stop him from seeking... comfort elsewhere? I'm not so fantastic that I believe I can "hold" him from 5-10 hours away. I believe he would definitely try not to cheat, but I don't know if it would be successful. I'm scared. I'm not that fantastic and there are definitely better women out there than me.

Well, I'm sure there will be more later, but for now, I'm out.

Nowhere Warm

It's late. I've been up talking on the phone to J. It's nice to actually be having conversations with him again. I've missed that a lot. Baby steps back to normalcy I suppose would be the best way of looking at it. I like that we're both trying now.

So I had this dream where S and my mom and I were all in Germany (Munich to be precise) together and they decided they'd rather bond over cookbooks together rather than hang with me at Euro-Target. I was supremely pissed by this and went without them, thinking they don't speak a word of German... good luck fuckholes. Looking back, it's kind of funny, but I woke up completely convinced that I should move to Germany to spite them both and was actually most pissed off at my bff for siding with my mother. Weird, I know, but now it's just funny. I love how dreams just concoct all sorts of emotions inside of me. This last one has me convinced I should move to Germany someday and live my life out there. Crazy. I have been having really vivid dreams lately too. The other really tangible dream I had was being at a dinner party with my mom, brothers, maternal grandparents and my great aunt Elaine and her late husband Ed. It was really interesting and made me miss my grandparents a lot. It's dreams like that which cause me to have a love/hate relationship with dreaming. I love being able to see them again, but hate waking up to reality where they have no part of my day to day life. I know they both would have adored being great grandparents, even if they would have been pissed at my having been pregnant at 19.

I can't believe I've been a parent for almost 10 years. Jesus where the hell did the time go? I've been a parent my entire adult life excepting the one year I was at Drake. Just freaking wow, Batman. I can't believe it somedays... such as today. I regret not having waited to have my child, but at the same time, I wouldn't give up my L for anything in the world. He's mine and thanks to his father not really giving a crap about him, I know he's all mine. I try my hardest to not poison L against his father. Somedays it's incredibly hard, but others it's just not even on my radar. I was talking with S the other day about how I'm worried about L's relationship with his father and how it's going to play out over the next 5 years or so. His father has had ample time to build a functional relationship with his son, but he keeps tossing him aside for "more important" things. All of this neglect is building some major resentment in L and one of these days (in the next 5 years) I predict that's going to just pour over. I see him not wanting to spend time with his dad anymore. I wonder if he'll even follow the path I did with my father and call him a "sperm donor" because that's essentially all he is. God I feel for him, but there's nothing I can do but tell him that his father loves him "as much as he can love another person" even though I know he loves no one more than himself. My poor little boy is going to have to rely on me to learn how to become a man and he doesn't have the example of a strong grandfather that my brothers had to model themselves on. He's essentially on his own and I wish I could do better than that for him. Unfortunately, I had to eliminate his grandfather (my father) from his life so that he wouldn't grow up thinking it was okay to be a drunk.

My new job is going pretty well. I'm an HR assistant and so far I like it. All I do is call people up to see if they would be interested in coming in and interviewing for the insurance company I work for. Not a bad gig. I work 3 mornings a week and it works for me. The people are nice, funny and pleasant to be around and I'm attempting to be as amiable as possible for them. Either way, it's nice.

Somewhere

I've been very insular the last few days. I guess I've just needed the space to think and it's just not helping. I'm not so good at bringing up what's bothering me, especially when they're little things that when weighed against the positive balance out. But I want things to be more than just neutral. I want happy.. not all the time because I know that's just unrealistic, but right now I just feel lost. I rarely have anything to say to my therapist.. it feels like I'm just grasping for things to talk about and yet I have so much that I need to talk about. My daddy issues, more of my mommy issues... my annoyance with L's need to completely disregard everything I have to say... heck I could even spend a lot of time talking about my intimacy issues I have with J. I love him, but he scares me sometimes... well maybe not scares more like intimidates me. *sigh* I wish I understood why too. Oh well... that's enough for tonight.

Happy Little Working Song

I've had a nice weekend. S and I have been watching John Adams every night, which has just made my life... It's just nice to sit and sew and spend time watching a movie with my bff. I had a nice day both Saturday and today. Today I just laid in bed reading for a while and then I went over and checked on J.. he's been sick and I was worried about him. Well, that and I missed him. Once I got home I ended up cleaning and baking. Took my puppy for a short walk and life is just peachy here.

musicbox

oh god... I have a kidney stone and it hurts soooooooo much. I know I'm being whiney about it but God Almighty I'd give anything for this to be done with... I've had one before, but goodness this hurts so badly this time through. I've actually popped out my vicodin stash to help. I've got an anti-inflammatory as well, but I've given it an hour with no relief at all. So, I'm praying this will help.

my day was pretty decent otherwise... I had lunch with a friend and we talked and talked until I was almost late getting home to L. I'm trying out leaving him home alone for short periods of time this summer. I have therapy tomorrow, so he has to be home by himself. I worry a little, but he'll have my phone and will be able to call my mother if necessary. Anywho...

Pardon Me

I'm having a day... I don't know what's with me. I'm depressed I think. I spent last night with J and it was fantastic. We're having a drawn out celebration of our 6 month-iversary, which is sweet of him. I'm just a little traumatized by the last month of our relationship, but I'm working on recovering from it. I love him, I guess now I'm just a little scared of it because I've felt just how strong it is and how much damage could be caused from it. A few days ago, the day where I thought we were going to be taking a break, I spent the entire afternoon sobbing. I wish I were embellishing, but I had people coming over to make sure I was okay. Thankfully, J wanted to talk and I went over there and we've been trying to fix things. I just didn't realize how much potentially losing him could hurt. I thought he had taken his break and was running with it... running away from me that is. I always known how much I love him, but I think that experience just drove it home.

As far as the depression goes? I have no idea why it's here. I'm just down today. I could sleep all day and not bat an eye at it. I didn't. I went about my life as I'm supposed to and even found time this afternoon to start work on embroidering a pillowcase I've been wanting to work on for a while. Now it's just a matter of seeing it through. I need to remember to do these things because they relax me and make me bearable to be around. It's part of why I blog. It gets all this crap out of me and is theraputic in a way. Well, in many ways.

I wish I had more to say, but to be honest, today writing is like pulling teeth.

If there was no you

This is something I think about a lot... what if I had never met the people who affect me so greatly day to day or even the ones who I wish now I had never met even though they used to be my favorite people. How would my life be different. If I had never come to Des Moines, I would never have had L. I never would have gone to SimpCo, I never would have found out about so many bands, I would never have met the bff, I would have had such a different life. Sure there are days where I curse having had L so young, but God I love the little booger. If there had been no L, I would still be the same spoiled bitch I used to be. I'm proud of the woman I've become. I'm a strong bitch and proud of it. I have very little problem getting in someone's face when the situation requires it. That's not to say I'm not polite. I'm terribly polite and always trying not to step on people's toes, but if provoked, I will get mean.

I don't know why I'm writing about this.. perhaps just to get writing.. I've had writer's block the last couple days - hence why things have been a little quiet lately. I don't know what to write about... I could expound on my beliefs on controversial topics such as euthanasia... totally pro by the way... but that could politicize my blog and I don't want that. Let's just say I'm liberal and leave it there. Ah well...

I found my study schedule for grad school today and looked at it... I am so far behind on it. I'm just finishing up chapter 17 in my Grout and I should be on Chapter 33. Yikes... better get crackin'

Save Me

Well, J and I talked. I'm not nearly as hurt. Maybe just a little, but that will pass. It wasn't really smooth since he figured we had broken up... *sigh* I hate that people equate a break with a break up.

Today is our 6 month point... I hope for a drama-free 6 months to follow. It's exhausting. I wish I had more to say today, but I really don't. It's been a quiet day since I came home from J's (I slept over), and I'm home alone since S and L are at the library. I took a nice long nap too. I had to catch up on some sleep. I was up all night thursday into friday because J and I had quarrelled and then spent yesterday arguing some more and sobbing all afternoon thinking that I had lost him. *sigh* the bad side of relationships can kiss my arse.

The Damage In Your Heart

*sigh* So, I think J and I are on a break. Not a break up, but a break. I've been crying all morning. All I wanted was to meet him for coffee. I got up early so he wouldn't have to go through his daughter's surgery alone. I picked out a dress that he once said I looked pretty in. I showered, I shaved my legs, I put on a perfume he likes. I texted him I was ready when he was. No answer. So I went to the coffee shop thinking maybe he was already there. I texted him again when I got there, and nothing. I waited 20 minutes, ordered my coffee and left to run errands. I had gotten less than 3 miles away and he calls asking where I am. I told him I had just left the coffee house and he was at my house.. or leaving it. I don't know why he got angry. I really don't. I didn't do anything wrong. He hung up without even saying I love you. At least he said good-bye. I texted and apologized for his being angry, but I was hurt and didn't word it right as usual. I suggested he take a break from me because he hasn't been happy with me for a while now. I just want him to be happy and if that's without me, fine. I wish he'd just put me out of my misery though. I'm tired of feeling like the only thing I can do right for him is sexual. I get that he's mad at me about my "friend" trying to kiss me. I didn't do anything wrong there either. I took care of it. It won't happen again and that's that. But I feel like he thinks something more happened. He grilled me about it last night and when I got frustrated and asked him what he wanted to know he got angry. *sigh* Maybe he thinks I wanted it. Maybe he thinks I encouraged it. Maybe he's lumping me in with his ex. I don't know. I'm scared ask now because I'm afraid he's going to get angry with me about it. I want him. I want him forever, but if he really doesn't want me he's got to cut me loose cause I don't think I can walk away. But I'm tired of hurting. This past month has been nothing but hurting. He pulls away and I don't know what to do. I just sit and wait, hoping it will get better. Does he want it to?

Secrets

Yeah, sorry, I don't have any secrets to share... i just really like the song. So, J and I talked. To be honest, it was fabulous, but I must admit, for the most part, I'm on board with his "no friends of the opposite sex" idea. I'm not worried about the guys who are gay, or family or even colleagues, but obviously the married ones aren't exactly trustworthy. *sigh* what a butt head he is. I'm not even including his initial cause I don't think it's worth it. That and you don't need to know. I told his wife last night... I had to. She was surprisingly not pissed at me. I really thought she would be. Thankfully not. I don't know what's in store for them and it's none of my business, but I worry about her. However, no more male friends that don't meet the aforementioned criteria... I love J far too much to put our relationship in jeopardy like that. I trust myself, but I don't want to be put in that position ever again.

I've spent my afternoon at a coffee shop studying. It's nice. I'm finally through the French Baroque and am plowing through the English stuff. I'm onto one of my favorite composers... Henry Purcell.. I call him Hank. No where near as attractive as Schubert, but hopefully much less syphallictic. Anyways... I had to text my brother for a reminder on what an upbeat meant... seriously.. I was right in my guess, but I feel like such an idiot not remembering something so simple. I'm a violinist for Christ's sake. I should remember that and upbeat means and up bow and that means... duh.. a pick up note. *sigh* It's okay. At least it's the little things that escape me and nothing enormous. I still know what Monophony is versus Monody and I still know what a nume is and even more, how to read them. What actually was fun today was relearning what is involved in a 17th C. French suite.. I mean, wow.. it's so similar to the German suite and reminds me strongly of the violin partitas I used to love playing so much.

I tried to play my violin the other day and ended up breaking an E string... *sigh* This kind of occurence used to not even phase me and now, it just seems like a hassle and a pain in the ass. Plus I couldn't find the piece I really wanted to play. I think I lost it in one of my many moves. It was the two Violin Romances by Beethoven. They're easier than his Concerto in D and might actually get me to practice up to being able to play it again. Well, one can hope. I'll just have to replace it, but damn... I never have the money to spend on music books anymore. Oh well... I can wait, or just dive into the Concerto head first and pray I don't drown. I love that piece fervently. My favorite moment in all music occurs in the Third Movement.. it gives me goosebumps and tears me up just thinking about it.. which I know is kind of silly, but I'm the type of person whose soul is just intertwined with music. I honestly can't seem to live without it and lately I've been indulging in it almost constantly. I love it. It makes me feel alive and maybe this is what my depression has needed most - a musical outlet. My voice is suffering from allergies right now and thusly I can barely sing, but my violin? Never have to worry about allergies. *sigh* I have to quit being lazy and just change that damn string... lol

Okay... study break is over... time to actually work again.. :)

Machine

I had a horrible day yesterday after my post. I can finally write about it because I finally talked to J about it. I met a friend for coffee. We had agreed to meet cause he had already done the grad school thing and I wanted to pick his brain. Turns out, despite knowing my relationship status, he wanted to kiss me and boy did he try. *sigh* I feel like it's all my fault, but I know I did nothing wrong when I politely dodged him and said that I didn't feel that way about him. He's been trying to call me all day to apologize... or at least that's what his voicemails have said. I've set his number to straight to voicemail when he calls. That friendship is so over... he's married for crying out loud. I keep wondering if I should tell his wife, but I don't want to be the cause of their marriage ending.. besides, she'd never talk to me again. *sigh* Oh well... I'm a good girl.. good girls tell.