Nowhere Warm

It's late. I've been up talking on the phone to J. It's nice to actually be having conversations with him again. I've missed that a lot. Baby steps back to normalcy I suppose would be the best way of looking at it. I like that we're both trying now.

So I had this dream where S and my mom and I were all in Germany (Munich to be precise) together and they decided they'd rather bond over cookbooks together rather than hang with me at Euro-Target. I was supremely pissed by this and went without them, thinking they don't speak a word of German... good luck fuckholes. Looking back, it's kind of funny, but I woke up completely convinced that I should move to Germany to spite them both and was actually most pissed off at my bff for siding with my mother. Weird, I know, but now it's just funny. I love how dreams just concoct all sorts of emotions inside of me. This last one has me convinced I should move to Germany someday and live my life out there. Crazy. I have been having really vivid dreams lately too. The other really tangible dream I had was being at a dinner party with my mom, brothers, maternal grandparents and my great aunt Elaine and her late husband Ed. It was really interesting and made me miss my grandparents a lot. It's dreams like that which cause me to have a love/hate relationship with dreaming. I love being able to see them again, but hate waking up to reality where they have no part of my day to day life. I know they both would have adored being great grandparents, even if they would have been pissed at my having been pregnant at 19.

I can't believe I've been a parent for almost 10 years. Jesus where the hell did the time go? I've been a parent my entire adult life excepting the one year I was at Drake. Just freaking wow, Batman. I can't believe it somedays... such as today. I regret not having waited to have my child, but at the same time, I wouldn't give up my L for anything in the world. He's mine and thanks to his father not really giving a crap about him, I know he's all mine. I try my hardest to not poison L against his father. Somedays it's incredibly hard, but others it's just not even on my radar. I was talking with S the other day about how I'm worried about L's relationship with his father and how it's going to play out over the next 5 years or so. His father has had ample time to build a functional relationship with his son, but he keeps tossing him aside for "more important" things. All of this neglect is building some major resentment in L and one of these days (in the next 5 years) I predict that's going to just pour over. I see him not wanting to spend time with his dad anymore. I wonder if he'll even follow the path I did with my father and call him a "sperm donor" because that's essentially all he is. God I feel for him, but there's nothing I can do but tell him that his father loves him "as much as he can love another person" even though I know he loves no one more than himself. My poor little boy is going to have to rely on me to learn how to become a man and he doesn't have the example of a strong grandfather that my brothers had to model themselves on. He's essentially on his own and I wish I could do better than that for him. Unfortunately, I had to eliminate his grandfather (my father) from his life so that he wouldn't grow up thinking it was okay to be a drunk.

My new job is going pretty well. I'm an HR assistant and so far I like it. All I do is call people up to see if they would be interested in coming in and interviewing for the insurance company I work for. Not a bad gig. I work 3 mornings a week and it works for me. The people are nice, funny and pleasant to be around and I'm attempting to be as amiable as possible for them. Either way, it's nice.