Rudie Can't Fail

I'm having a rough day. Therapy went great to be honest. I talked a lot about things that have been weighing on me. Mainly grad school and what that will mean for J and I. I'm nervous about it to be honest. I don't know if he'll be able to handle it, or if I will be either. I've done long-distance before and it sucks and the other part is, I don't know if I want to end up back here in Iowa. I have nothing but horrible horrible memories here and I just want to run away from them and leave them in the dust of my past. But J is like an immovable boulder. He can't go with me because he's anchored here and I respect that. I won't even ask him to come with me because I wouldn't do that to him. The only thing that could really entice me to move back here after I leave would be a job offer at Simpson or a marriage proposal. Neither of which I can envision coming in the next 3-4 years. I woke up today with realization that I'm ready for that again. I want to be married again and I want to be with someone forever. My realizing that doesn't mean J is ready for that though, and I understand that. But I'm ready again. Unfortunately, J thinks that marriage is a form of legal prostitution. It hurts to hear him say that, but he's entitled to his opinion. I think of marriage as a wonderful union between two people who love one another so much they not only want to tell the whole world, but they want to make a vow to their God to always love one another and to always cherish one another. It's a beautiful thing, not a way to control the other person through money. His opinion on it really makes me nervous to be honest. I'm not a harping wife. I'm not that person and he's lumping me in with the rest which hurts.

I guess overall, I'm nervous about my future with J. It's difficult to admit, but it's so true. I think the thing that I don't talk about is the thing that worries me the most. He's capable of cheating - he has in the past - and if I'm gone away to school, what's to stop him from seeking... comfort elsewhere? I'm not so fantastic that I believe I can "hold" him from 5-10 hours away. I believe he would definitely try not to cheat, but I don't know if it would be successful. I'm scared. I'm not that fantastic and there are definitely better women out there than me.

Well, I'm sure there will be more later, but for now, I'm out.