Self Evident

I originally was going to be a violin performance major. I poured my heart, soul and every emotion into my violin and was actually quite talented at it. I auditioned for a couple schools when college time came, but didn't make it. I was so wholly crushed by that. Especially after a former instructor at Drake University told me that I didn't have enough talent because I hadn't been studying privately since age 3. I still hate that man for stomping on my dreams. I rarely play my violin nowadays. I guess on some level I'm scared of it. Scared of getting my hopes back up only to have them smashed to pieces. I know I can sing. I've got a gorgeous voice that few people have and I know it and what's more, I appreciate it. I won't squander my talent by sitting behind a desk forever, I will get up on stage and perform and share the talent that God gave me when I was created. Not to mention that there's a huge amount of joy that comes through my entire being when I sing, play piano or even violin. A joy that on occasion makes me weep at its beauty. To do anything else would be a betrayal of not only myself, but my talent. I keep trying to find something that's good enough in the meantime, but it all feels so empty and meaningless. I want to do something that affects people. I want to move their souls and their emotions. I take the baroque doctrine of affections very seriously. I just have to learn to be less self conscious and more willing to lose myself in the roles I play and in the music I sing. My voice teacher always told me she hated to turn music into a business for me because she saw how very much I loved it... but it is work too now. I don't hate it though. It makes me so happy just to listen to something as simple as a Lied...

Today, I'm listening to classical instrumental pieces. It makes me long for my violin in a way I usually forget when I don't have the time to actually sit down and enjoy a piece of music. I'm happy today thanks to Beethoven... the most cantankerous man in the history of music.

Losing Heart

It's 3 am and I'm not exactly lonely... hahaha. Sorry, it was there, right? It really is 3 am and I'm awake from a phone call from J. Tonight has been such a reassuring night. I don't really know how else to put it. I was convinced he was pulling away and edging out of the relationship and boom! all the sudden we have a night where everything clicks again and it feels natural without a hint of it being forced. I know it's going to take a while to fix this. It took a while to crack it in the first place. I'd say a good month of not really talking deserves a month of non-stop conversation.

To say I'm insecure about my place in his life is an understatement. I'm so used to people walking away that it's hard for me to believe that he doesn't want to. I've always been a bit of a loner because of that and I'm pretty okay with that. Unfortunately, it's not exactly working for me, so change must occur. I hate change. Seriously. I fight it like none other and if I would just put that same effort I put into resisting change into adapting to it, I probably would be much more... happier. (Gimme a break, it's 3 am and I'm bleary-eyed ish) I keep trying the take a deep breath method whenever I get the knee jerk reaction to run away from things and thus far it's working. I'm a runner and I need to knock that shit off. No one on this planet is going to be perfect - we all have our flaws - but that doesn't mean there isn't someone out there who is perfect for me and from what I can tell, J is. I could even go so far as to say, he might even be my destiny. I know I can learn from him and I hope he can from me.

I don't know what else to write, so for now, I'll say good-night. Today might be one of those "blog twice in one day" days... I know, right? How self-indulgent can I get?! :)

Mr. Brightside

It's funny how an email can make you feel better. One of my mother's cousins emailed me to tell me she not only reads my blog, but she cares too. Wow. It's amazing how much that improved my mood. I was worried that today was going to be yet another "woe is me" kind of day, but thankfully my day is starting out much better than I expected. I don't care today that I have mother issues or father issues or boyfriend issues. I just want to focus on what my future holds because ultimately, my future is about me. Not any of them. Just me. L is a passenger on my ride right now and someday, I will be a passenger on his. It'll be nice to give up the reins to be honest.

So, grad school. I'm finally considering UW-Madison. It's the brass ring to be honest. My gpa isn't the best truth be told, but I think I'm talented enough to make it in. I wish the whole thing with dad hadn't happened during the last year of undergrad because with my meds stopping their effectiveness as well, it completely screwed over my gpa. *sigh* unfortunately, how do you explain that to a admissions panel? Sorry my gpa sucks, my father told me I should have been aborted and my depression medication stopped working? Somehow I don't think they'd be receptive to that. I wish they would be though. It was such a horribly hard year because of it. Sometimes, I miss my dad, but more often I miss my grandfather who took his place years before when he first abandoned me as a baby. Anyways, I'm also looking at the University of Minnesota Twin Cities, Illinois State University and University of Louisville.

Louisville is really my safety school. I know I'll get in. Easy. But I don't want to be that far away from everyone I know. I'll be closer to P, but he's so busy with his life that I know he wouldn't want to waste in on a trip to Kentucky to see his kid-sister. His free time is spent with his partner and their friends. So that leaves Illinois State and Minnesota. Either one will do for me to be honest. I just hope I don't have to break up the household. S is my sister in many ways and I hate the thought of living without her, despite my sometime yearning for independence. *sigh* Everything is just so complicated, but it will be okay. Whether I have to go to grad school alone or if I go with S. Either way, I'll have L, and that's all that matters.

stupidity tries

It's been an interesting day. I ended up oversleeping, but it seems to have been what I needed. J and I talked last night. He called and woke me up, which I didn't mind... I've missed him so much lately. He asked if I've been looking for someone else, and of course I'm not. I was approached by those men, but I can't lie and say I'm not flattered. It's nice to be seen as asthetically pleasing. I'm not vain person, but I like being told I'm pretty and that the guy who I'm seeing is lucky to have me. It's nice to hear, especially when I don't really believe I'm all that pretty in the first place. I think I'm passable, but no model. I know J is lucky to have me, but 99% of the time, I know I'm the lucky one. He makes me smile and laugh and those are two really important things to me.

I keep trying to make things work in my life though. I keep looking for a job, and I keep practicing for my grad school auditions and I keep my hopes up that my life with J will get back to normal... but only one of those hopes seems even slightly feasible. I know that the job will come when the time is right, but the practicing is the only surity. I know I'll get in somewhere, it's just a question of where. Life with J though? Oh goodness I don't know. It takes two to try and I keep trying to keep the lines of communication open, but I don't know what else to do. I'm no longer going to just "pop" over to his house though. I guess I want him to want me there, not just surprising him with my presence. I want him to want me in general. I don't doubt his wanting me sexually. That's never even a question in my mind. I know he loves me... I just don't know what that means.

Ever since this pregnancy scare I've felt like my days with him are numbered. I don't know why because I have no desire to leave. I'm even willing to consider giving up my dream of one more child. It's a huge sacrifice on my behalf if I go through with it. It's giving up on something that I've wanted for years now. I've understood that I won't get the 4 I originally wanted for a while now, but to be told that this last one just isn't going to happen is like having my heart ripped out. This one I've planned for. It's not going to happen this year, or next, but I've planned for it to happen once I'm done with grad school. I want it with J, but he doesn't want any more children. So now I'm faced with deciding if this is a deal breaker. I don't think he'd respond well to the prospect of staying with me if I chose to go the IVF route with a donor. I'd rather have his child - regardless of his fears that the child would arrive as a special needs child. *sigh* I would love it anyways because it would be a child conceived in love. That's something I want more than anything for any child. I may not love L's dad now, but I did very much so when he was conceived and I've always been proud of that. I don't know if I'm ready to give up that dream.

Perfect Situation

I think I'm going to pull away a bit. Not from you, my non-existent internet audience, but from the people in my life. I'm tired of giving them all everything I have and having them just take and take and take and take and take, leaving me with nothing left but sheer exhaustion. I need something for me, not just the remnants of myself and my dignity. Not everyone takes for granted what I offer, some actually seem to treasure it, but so many just say an insincere thanks and beat the living shit out of it and then wonder why I don't talk to them all that often. I'm tired of them. Unfortunately, you can't just throw aside family and they all seem to think that you'll be there when they need you, but send a huge "fuck you my life is more important" when you need them.

I guess I'm just sick of feeling alone. Sure I have friends. I have lots them. All over the country and some even all over the world. But they can come and go as they please and they will. Family? Please. I barely have one. I have one brother who actually cares what happens in my life but can't be there for me cause he's just as bad off as I am and one cousin who cares too, but he's got too much drama in his life to be able to be there for anyone but him. Plus he's still a kid and I don't want to take that from him. The rest of my family could give a flying fuck if I were around next week. Hell, given my child's behavior this week, I doubt he'd really care either. I'm tired of always relying on my best friend, S, for all of my familial support. It's not fair to her and it's certainly unfair to her family. Her parents had 2 kids for a reason: they didn't want 3. So, I try to make up for it. I try constantly to make up for it in my relationships, in my friendships, and by showering my child with affection and trying to tell him I always think the best of him, but it doesn't help.

I talked yesterday with my therapist about my mother. She asked me a question no one has ever asked me: Do you think your mother loves you? My honest, gut reaction answer is No, but she tries. Then she asked, Do you think your mother likes you? My answer has always been, No. We're too different and to be honest if she weren't my mother, she'd probably have nothing to do with me. It's the sense of duty and attachment that draws her to me. I can't even begin to describe how horrible and terrible and lonely that feels to acknowledge that you don't think your mother loves or even likes you. I've always wondered what it feels like to be P or B. It's so obvious how proud of them she is and how much she cares for them. She brags about them constantly, even to me. Yet I can hear the half-heartedness in her voice when she says she's proud of me. *sigh* I wish I knew what to do. I think this why it hurt so much when my dad rejected me. He was the one parent who I knew was proud of me, who I thought loved me and who I thought liked me. He was never there though when I was little and this last rejection wasn't the first.

To be truthful, I believe with my entire being that I was the child that was born in an attempt to save their marriage. I was the culmination of their hopes that things would get better and when it didn't happen, they both wanted to reject me, but mom got stuck with me because dad was too drunk and selfish to care for a child on his own. So dad won that battle and never really had to look back.I feel she resented me. I felt her resentment, but never got an answer why she resented me, but I don't believe there's any coincidence that by the time I was a year old there was a divorce underway. Their gamble failed. Hell, I almost had a baby to save my marriage, but decided against it... no child deserves that.

Blue Lips

I've been asked out by three different men in the last week. I'm flattered. It's nice to feel attractive and wanted by the opposite sex, but instead all I feel is like a whore. I haven't done anything and I feel horribly because there is a part of me that wants to say yes. I know it's just because J and I are having a rough patch because of the pregnancy scare. We're trying to fix things and this just feels like the easy out. There's a part of me that also wants to tell J about these men wanting me and asking me to coffee or dinner, but it will accomplish nothing but make him jealous and I don't want that. I don't want him to think that every time a man talks to me, be he friend or stranger, that I'm going to leave him for that man because I won't. I love him and that's not changing any time soon. I guess I'm just shocked that these total strangers would find me this attractive. I've never had that before. *sigh* I'm beautiful in the eyes of strangers... I just pray that J sees that too.

Somebody that I used to know

I almost ran into S yesterday evening. He works at Barnes and Noble and I had to go to the Sprint store next door to get my phone fixed. I had 2 hours to kill and decided to head there after an hour of farting around trying to avoid it. I found myself wondering just why I'm so scared to see him, because it's not just avoiding him for the sake of avoiding conflict. It's pure fear. I know part of it is that he knows me so fucking well that he can manipulate me without my catching on until it's too late. I used to think he was the love of my life. The person who completed me like none other, but I acknowledge now that I was so wrong. It wasn't that he completed me, it was just that it was so comfortable and familiar. He was the first person I made love to and I equated that with forever. I won't say it meant nothing, because it was the right person at the right time and he made it not nearly as frightening as it could have been. I don't regret that. I do regret putting so much emphasis on him that lasted until I was 25 when I finally pushed him off his pedestle. 10 years of believing he was my answer took a lot out of me and I'm not proud of it. So I went into Barnes and Noble cognizant of all this and knowing that he was there. I didn't run into him thankfully, but I know that all I needed to think or say was that he's just somebody that I used to know. Because that's true. I don't know him anymore. He doesn't know me. His removal from my life altered me immeasurably and I'm grateful for it. I'm more cautious now and I think more thoroughly before I speak. I make sure that what I say is not only important, but not going to do any undue harm. If I know what I have to say is gonna hurt someone, I'm less likely to say it. *sigh* It makes things difficult, but I hate hurting anyone. I know it's the time of year that's messing with me. But eventually this will pass. It has before and it will again.

Raining in Baltimore

So, I went to see J last night. First time I'd seen him since our pregnancy scare. It was so awkward and uncomfortable that at one point I went to the bathroom and cried cause I didn't think he really wanted me there. Thankfully I was wrong. Eventually things relaxed and we both felt more comfortable. He ended up teaching me how to drive stick in a strip mall parking lot which was fun if not scary. I've never been... allowed to learn how to drive stick. Personally it seems like a lot of hassle just to get somewhere and needless since there is such a thing as automatic transmission. Maybe I'm just silly like that, but I don't get why everyone says that driving stick is better. Whatever... We went back to his place after a stop off for a walk by the capitol and I ended up taking a cat nap on his shoulder. Nothing really happened and that was perfect for me. Exactly what I needed.

Granted we did talk about a few things that had been bothering me... grad school for one. I think for now I've assuaged his fears, but what he doesn't seem to get is just how important this is to me. It's my dreams we're talking about and I've been determined to get through my doctorate no matter what it takes for a very long time. We also talked briefly about some of the things he said to me when he was upset. I don't really think they bear repeating at this point, but they really hurt me and upset me. My bff's think I need to walk from the relationship and part of me is scared they're right. For now I'm following my heart and my gut and hoping they keep steering me right.

One thing that's been bothering me a lot lately is I'm thinking about S more and more. I think it's the time of year to be honest, but I just don't understand how someone who was such a huge part of your life at one point can become nothing in the blink of an eye. I miss him, his humor, our inside jokes, but I don't miss his manipulation, his passive-aggressiveness, or the way he used to make me feel small and insignificant. I loved him though and a part of me still does. It's thankfully a very small part, but every now and then it begs to be heard and paid attention to and try as I might to ignore it, it never works. I don't in any way think that he and I could have made it work though. He mistreated almost everyone in his life except his friends. I wish I had been one of his friends. Maybe then I'd never have had to deal with his passive aggressivism and his need to alienate everyone who genuinely cares for him.... Oh well. The past is the past and while it's sometimes necessary to visit with its ghosts there's no point in reliving it.

Pretend to be Nice

Things have been weird in my life lately. I wouldn't say I'm avoiding J but I'm certainly noticing that it takes effort to seek him out. I'm not mad at him either. I'm just... uncomfortable, I guess. I just want things to go back to the way they were. Easy, happy and both of us wanting to spend time with each other. I may be hormonal from my period, but he didn't have to point it out. It's not the only reason I get upset. Maybe there's actually some legitimacy to my feelings. *sigh* but he's going to think what he's going to think I suppose. People have been asking me if he's controlling, but I don't know how to answer them. He's certainly less open to things than I am, but I think that's just him being stubborn and set in his ways because no one has ever challenged him or how he thinks. I try to, but I'm not out to change who he is. I'm just here to love him and I do.

The biggest fear I have is grad school. I don't want it to break us up, but there is no way I'm giving up my dreams for anyone. I don't want that to be something L thinks is okay. No one should ever stand in the way of your dreams and I won't let J do that. I don't think he wants to either... I just don't think he's open to a long distance relationship either. Isn't love supposed to be able to survive anything? Especially when you're committed to someone like I am? I wish there were an easy answer, but the other thing that scares me about it is that he's cheated in the past. Would he run back to his lover if I were consistently gone? I'm terrified that he would. Hell every time we fight I'm scared that he's going to do that. I know he's not like every other guy on the planet, but he's a man who has cheated in the past and it's a valid concern. He might not think so, but once a cheater... is the doctrine I was raised on. I trust him though. I just get scared about that stuff sometimes, and I know it's more about me than it is him. I guess in a lot of ways I don't think I'm worth someone's undivided attention and love, but we learn from our past and that's all my past has really taught me. Hell even S tried to cheat towards the end. I say tried cause I caught him at it and he didn't have the balls to go through with it in the end. Anyways... I just want grad school so badly. I have my schools picked and applications started and audition pieces are being chosen and I'm getting excited about it. I know I can do it too... Music history was a good starting point, but performance is where my heart truly lies and if I'm going to teach at the college level, I have to get off my ass and get this going. It's not like I can't teach history classes along with voice lessons and opera workshops. Things are going to be fantastic and I just hope J wants to be there for the ride.

looking out

So, I'm not pregnant. One thing off my plate and truth be told I am relieved, but there is the part of me that is heartbroken. I'm working hard to keep that a very small part, but it's not. I make no secret of the fact that I very much would love another child... after talking with J last night I doubt very much that it will ever come to pass. I guess I'm now mourning the loss of the chance of having more. He's too scared we'd end up with a special needs child and that I'd die just having the child. Understandable concerns, but I don't believe in being ruled by fear. I'm considering getting my tubes tied nonetheless. Then no one has to to worry about anything. Hell, I'd get the whole thing removed if I could. But I still want more. *sigh*

God knows I don't want to render myself infertile... I'm just reacting out loud... I just don't know what to do lately. I'm so lost and scared and just need a fucking hug right now.

what can i say?

Life is just falling apart for me. I'm stressed beyond all barriers and I don't know what to do. I'm feeling horribly alone lately. L is acting out and making life miserable. He got kicked off the bus and thankfully I'm unemployed because who else is gonna pick him up from school. I'm tired of him throwing attitude at me every day and everyone seems to have an opinion on how to deal with it when all I want is someone to LISTEN. I want to be able to bitch without someone saying "you know what you should do..." or some other condescending variation that involves some insight that should help with him when they aren't his parent and haven't dealt with him everyday since his birth. His ODD has been worse than ever lately. I like to think I got through to him yesterday, but somehow I doubt it. He just doesn't listen to me and I don't want to resort to corporal punishment to get my point across. I'm completely against it. Unfortunately, I'm running out of options. Telling him how disappointed I am in him only gets me a resentful glare nowadays.

I'm also freaking out because I might be pregnant. So much for drunken sex, right? I can't believe I'm in this position. I feel like such a disgusting whore for it too. J is pulling away and I don't know what to think. He knows there could be a baby, and still he is just increasingly distant. I'm feeling completely alone in this and I don't know what to do.

The last reason I have for feeling so alone is my mother. I keep trying to please her and I never will. I will never make her proud of me. I often find myself wondering what it's like to have a mother who loves you unconditionally, who supports you unconditionally and who accepts you make mistakes, but loves you anyways. I've never had that. I've never had anyone really care about me the way a mom should. I'm terrified I'm going to be just as bad a mom as she's been. I find myself hating her and I feel even worse about it, but it's true. Every time I talk to her, I end up feeling worse about myself than I did before I talked to her. I'm trapped in my own vicious circle and I just want to be able to be strong enough to just walk away and never need a mom again, but I'm weak and keep on wishing for this mother that's never going to happen. I want the kind of mom who sends you little cards saying I love you or care packages cause she knows I've had a shitty week/month/year but that's just not in the cards for me. I get the distant mom who thinks my brother P can do no wrong and thinks my brother B is the tortured artist of amazing promise. I find myself wondering what that must be like... especially P's position. How amazing that must be to have a mom who loves you no matter what, who thinks the sun shines out your ass and who would do anything for you... I feel like I've never had any of that. I'm the perenial fuck-up who can't do anything right. I'm the ingrate who should be grateful for back-handed affection that is full of barbs. Barbs that fuck me over psychologically for weeks at a time and make me feel like the loneliest person on the fucking planet. I'm alone. And it fucking sucks. I want a group of friends that can make me a family, but I'll still end up spending Thanksgiving and Christmas alone. I keep trying to make little families every where, but regardless, they all have families of their own... with siblings that love to see them and parents who ask about their lives with genuine interest. This stupid picture of domestic bliss that I'm horribly jealous of. I'm horribly foolish to be so jealous, but it's just me being starved for affection and being unable to do anything about it. I try to shower L with the affection I never got, but that never seems to help me feel any better. The best part is, if my mother ever read this, she would crucify me for it. She would use every guilt trip inducing comment in her arsenal to make me feel ashamed for having written something like this about her. Thankfully, no one reads this anyways.

All's Quiet on the Eastern Front or Killing an Arab

So, Osama is dead. I don't really have any personal opinions on the matter. I'm glad he can't kill anymore people, innocent or otherwise, but I don't see cause to celebrate in the crude fashion that so many other Americans have chosen to do so. Huge celebrations in major cities with people pouring champagne on each other like it's New Years Eve are just appalling. Someone died. Not innocent, but why can't we be more civilized than the people who attacked the U.S. ten years ago? I remember the videos of people celebrating in the streets after thousands of Americans died in the World Trade Center, the Pentagon, and in a field. I remember how horrified I was then and the feeling is the same now.

When I look back at 9/11, I don't think of the innocent victims anymore. I think about the man who was cheating on his wife or beating her every night. I think about the alcoholic woman whose drinking was tearing her family apart. These are people who were likely very real. Their deaths probably made life easier for someone else and you know what? I can understand that. Maybe it's my ability to feel empathy for someone else's situation, but those are the victims' families that I support the most. It's crass to some I'm sure, but not everyone who died that day was a saint and trying to beatify them is just dishonest. That being said, there are plenty of victims who were wonderful people. People who called their parents from inside a towering inferno just to say goodbye and I love you. Should the death of their killer be celebrated though? I really can't say yes. I'm glad he's gone, but I can't celebrate it. Doesn't he win that way? I spent a good hour talking to my brother, who lived in New Haven, CT at the time, about how it affected him. He's overjoyed that Osama is dead, but it brought back every single memory he had about that day and the weeks that followed. Being a church organist, he had to play for countless funerals for people who died and heard their stories with tears in his eyes every time. It's upsetting to hear that from him, but even so, I cannot celebrate Osama's death. Instead I fear what is to come. What kind of retaliation do they have in mind? When will it come? Who's going to die because of this? It scares the living hell out of me to be brutally honest.

In other news, I got a puppy. I've named her Clara, and I keep wanting to call her Piper. Piper was the dog my ex-husband gave me as a wedding present and then gave away to some animal shelter because he didn't feel like taking care of her. I still haven't forgiven him for that move. Anyways, Clara reminds me so much of Piper in looks and behavior. She's so much fun. She plays almost all day and loves to explore everything around her. We're working on house breaking her, but for the most part L loves her. He's a little disappointed that she's not more active when he's around, but that's understandable. She's still a puppy and still growing a lot so she needs to sleep in between bursts of puppy energy. I'm just absolutely in love with her.