Somebody that I used to know

I almost ran into S yesterday evening. He works at Barnes and Noble and I had to go to the Sprint store next door to get my phone fixed. I had 2 hours to kill and decided to head there after an hour of farting around trying to avoid it. I found myself wondering just why I'm so scared to see him, because it's not just avoiding him for the sake of avoiding conflict. It's pure fear. I know part of it is that he knows me so fucking well that he can manipulate me without my catching on until it's too late. I used to think he was the love of my life. The person who completed me like none other, but I acknowledge now that I was so wrong. It wasn't that he completed me, it was just that it was so comfortable and familiar. He was the first person I made love to and I equated that with forever. I won't say it meant nothing, because it was the right person at the right time and he made it not nearly as frightening as it could have been. I don't regret that. I do regret putting so much emphasis on him that lasted until I was 25 when I finally pushed him off his pedestle. 10 years of believing he was my answer took a lot out of me and I'm not proud of it. So I went into Barnes and Noble cognizant of all this and knowing that he was there. I didn't run into him thankfully, but I know that all I needed to think or say was that he's just somebody that I used to know. Because that's true. I don't know him anymore. He doesn't know me. His removal from my life altered me immeasurably and I'm grateful for it. I'm more cautious now and I think more thoroughly before I speak. I make sure that what I say is not only important, but not going to do any undue harm. If I know what I have to say is gonna hurt someone, I'm less likely to say it. *sigh* It makes things difficult, but I hate hurting anyone. I know it's the time of year that's messing with me. But eventually this will pass. It has before and it will again.