Pretend to be Nice

Things have been weird in my life lately. I wouldn't say I'm avoiding J but I'm certainly noticing that it takes effort to seek him out. I'm not mad at him either. I'm just... uncomfortable, I guess. I just want things to go back to the way they were. Easy, happy and both of us wanting to spend time with each other. I may be hormonal from my period, but he didn't have to point it out. It's not the only reason I get upset. Maybe there's actually some legitimacy to my feelings. *sigh* but he's going to think what he's going to think I suppose. People have been asking me if he's controlling, but I don't know how to answer them. He's certainly less open to things than I am, but I think that's just him being stubborn and set in his ways because no one has ever challenged him or how he thinks. I try to, but I'm not out to change who he is. I'm just here to love him and I do.

The biggest fear I have is grad school. I don't want it to break us up, but there is no way I'm giving up my dreams for anyone. I don't want that to be something L thinks is okay. No one should ever stand in the way of your dreams and I won't let J do that. I don't think he wants to either... I just don't think he's open to a long distance relationship either. Isn't love supposed to be able to survive anything? Especially when you're committed to someone like I am? I wish there were an easy answer, but the other thing that scares me about it is that he's cheated in the past. Would he run back to his lover if I were consistently gone? I'm terrified that he would. Hell every time we fight I'm scared that he's going to do that. I know he's not like every other guy on the planet, but he's a man who has cheated in the past and it's a valid concern. He might not think so, but once a cheater... is the doctrine I was raised on. I trust him though. I just get scared about that stuff sometimes, and I know it's more about me than it is him. I guess in a lot of ways I don't think I'm worth someone's undivided attention and love, but we learn from our past and that's all my past has really taught me. Hell even S tried to cheat towards the end. I say tried cause I caught him at it and he didn't have the balls to go through with it in the end. Anyways... I just want grad school so badly. I have my schools picked and applications started and audition pieces are being chosen and I'm getting excited about it. I know I can do it too... Music history was a good starting point, but performance is where my heart truly lies and if I'm going to teach at the college level, I have to get off my ass and get this going. It's not like I can't teach history classes along with voice lessons and opera workshops. Things are going to be fantastic and I just hope J wants to be there for the ride.