looking out

So, I'm not pregnant. One thing off my plate and truth be told I am relieved, but there is the part of me that is heartbroken. I'm working hard to keep that a very small part, but it's not. I make no secret of the fact that I very much would love another child... after talking with J last night I doubt very much that it will ever come to pass. I guess I'm now mourning the loss of the chance of having more. He's too scared we'd end up with a special needs child and that I'd die just having the child. Understandable concerns, but I don't believe in being ruled by fear. I'm considering getting my tubes tied nonetheless. Then no one has to to worry about anything. Hell, I'd get the whole thing removed if I could. But I still want more. *sigh*

God knows I don't want to render myself infertile... I'm just reacting out loud... I just don't know what to do lately. I'm so lost and scared and just need a fucking hug right now.