what can i say?

Life is just falling apart for me. I'm stressed beyond all barriers and I don't know what to do. I'm feeling horribly alone lately. L is acting out and making life miserable. He got kicked off the bus and thankfully I'm unemployed because who else is gonna pick him up from school. I'm tired of him throwing attitude at me every day and everyone seems to have an opinion on how to deal with it when all I want is someone to LISTEN. I want to be able to bitch without someone saying "you know what you should do..." or some other condescending variation that involves some insight that should help with him when they aren't his parent and haven't dealt with him everyday since his birth. His ODD has been worse than ever lately. I like to think I got through to him yesterday, but somehow I doubt it. He just doesn't listen to me and I don't want to resort to corporal punishment to get my point across. I'm completely against it. Unfortunately, I'm running out of options. Telling him how disappointed I am in him only gets me a resentful glare nowadays.

I'm also freaking out because I might be pregnant. So much for drunken sex, right? I can't believe I'm in this position. I feel like such a disgusting whore for it too. J is pulling away and I don't know what to think. He knows there could be a baby, and still he is just increasingly distant. I'm feeling completely alone in this and I don't know what to do.

The last reason I have for feeling so alone is my mother. I keep trying to please her and I never will. I will never make her proud of me. I often find myself wondering what it's like to have a mother who loves you unconditionally, who supports you unconditionally and who accepts you make mistakes, but loves you anyways. I've never had that. I've never had anyone really care about me the way a mom should. I'm terrified I'm going to be just as bad a mom as she's been. I find myself hating her and I feel even worse about it, but it's true. Every time I talk to her, I end up feeling worse about myself than I did before I talked to her. I'm trapped in my own vicious circle and I just want to be able to be strong enough to just walk away and never need a mom again, but I'm weak and keep on wishing for this mother that's never going to happen. I want the kind of mom who sends you little cards saying I love you or care packages cause she knows I've had a shitty week/month/year but that's just not in the cards for me. I get the distant mom who thinks my brother P can do no wrong and thinks my brother B is the tortured artist of amazing promise. I find myself wondering what that must be like... especially P's position. How amazing that must be to have a mom who loves you no matter what, who thinks the sun shines out your ass and who would do anything for you... I feel like I've never had any of that. I'm the perenial fuck-up who can't do anything right. I'm the ingrate who should be grateful for back-handed affection that is full of barbs. Barbs that fuck me over psychologically for weeks at a time and make me feel like the loneliest person on the fucking planet. I'm alone. And it fucking sucks. I want a group of friends that can make me a family, but I'll still end up spending Thanksgiving and Christmas alone. I keep trying to make little families every where, but regardless, they all have families of their own... with siblings that love to see them and parents who ask about their lives with genuine interest. This stupid picture of domestic bliss that I'm horribly jealous of. I'm horribly foolish to be so jealous, but it's just me being starved for affection and being unable to do anything about it. I try to shower L with the affection I never got, but that never seems to help me feel any better. The best part is, if my mother ever read this, she would crucify me for it. She would use every guilt trip inducing comment in her arsenal to make me feel ashamed for having written something like this about her. Thankfully, no one reads this anyways.