Raining in Baltimore

So, I went to see J last night. First time I'd seen him since our pregnancy scare. It was so awkward and uncomfortable that at one point I went to the bathroom and cried cause I didn't think he really wanted me there. Thankfully I was wrong. Eventually things relaxed and we both felt more comfortable. He ended up teaching me how to drive stick in a strip mall parking lot which was fun if not scary. I've never been... allowed to learn how to drive stick. Personally it seems like a lot of hassle just to get somewhere and needless since there is such a thing as automatic transmission. Maybe I'm just silly like that, but I don't get why everyone says that driving stick is better. Whatever... We went back to his place after a stop off for a walk by the capitol and I ended up taking a cat nap on his shoulder. Nothing really happened and that was perfect for me. Exactly what I needed.

Granted we did talk about a few things that had been bothering me... grad school for one. I think for now I've assuaged his fears, but what he doesn't seem to get is just how important this is to me. It's my dreams we're talking about and I've been determined to get through my doctorate no matter what it takes for a very long time. We also talked briefly about some of the things he said to me when he was upset. I don't really think they bear repeating at this point, but they really hurt me and upset me. My bff's think I need to walk from the relationship and part of me is scared they're right. For now I'm following my heart and my gut and hoping they keep steering me right.

One thing that's been bothering me a lot lately is I'm thinking about S more and more. I think it's the time of year to be honest, but I just don't understand how someone who was such a huge part of your life at one point can become nothing in the blink of an eye. I miss him, his humor, our inside jokes, but I don't miss his manipulation, his passive-aggressiveness, or the way he used to make me feel small and insignificant. I loved him though and a part of me still does. It's thankfully a very small part, but every now and then it begs to be heard and paid attention to and try as I might to ignore it, it never works. I don't in any way think that he and I could have made it work though. He mistreated almost everyone in his life except his friends. I wish I had been one of his friends. Maybe then I'd never have had to deal with his passive aggressivism and his need to alienate everyone who genuinely cares for him.... Oh well. The past is the past and while it's sometimes necessary to visit with its ghosts there's no point in reliving it.