Perfect Situation

I think I'm going to pull away a bit. Not from you, my non-existent internet audience, but from the people in my life. I'm tired of giving them all everything I have and having them just take and take and take and take and take, leaving me with nothing left but sheer exhaustion. I need something for me, not just the remnants of myself and my dignity. Not everyone takes for granted what I offer, some actually seem to treasure it, but so many just say an insincere thanks and beat the living shit out of it and then wonder why I don't talk to them all that often. I'm tired of them. Unfortunately, you can't just throw aside family and they all seem to think that you'll be there when they need you, but send a huge "fuck you my life is more important" when you need them.

I guess I'm just sick of feeling alone. Sure I have friends. I have lots them. All over the country and some even all over the world. But they can come and go as they please and they will. Family? Please. I barely have one. I have one brother who actually cares what happens in my life but can't be there for me cause he's just as bad off as I am and one cousin who cares too, but he's got too much drama in his life to be able to be there for anyone but him. Plus he's still a kid and I don't want to take that from him. The rest of my family could give a flying fuck if I were around next week. Hell, given my child's behavior this week, I doubt he'd really care either. I'm tired of always relying on my best friend, S, for all of my familial support. It's not fair to her and it's certainly unfair to her family. Her parents had 2 kids for a reason: they didn't want 3. So, I try to make up for it. I try constantly to make up for it in my relationships, in my friendships, and by showering my child with affection and trying to tell him I always think the best of him, but it doesn't help.

I talked yesterday with my therapist about my mother. She asked me a question no one has ever asked me: Do you think your mother loves you? My honest, gut reaction answer is No, but she tries. Then she asked, Do you think your mother likes you? My answer has always been, No. We're too different and to be honest if she weren't my mother, she'd probably have nothing to do with me. It's the sense of duty and attachment that draws her to me. I can't even begin to describe how horrible and terrible and lonely that feels to acknowledge that you don't think your mother loves or even likes you. I've always wondered what it feels like to be P or B. It's so obvious how proud of them she is and how much she cares for them. She brags about them constantly, even to me. Yet I can hear the half-heartedness in her voice when she says she's proud of me. *sigh* I wish I knew what to do. I think this why it hurt so much when my dad rejected me. He was the one parent who I knew was proud of me, who I thought loved me and who I thought liked me. He was never there though when I was little and this last rejection wasn't the first.

To be truthful, I believe with my entire being that I was the child that was born in an attempt to save their marriage. I was the culmination of their hopes that things would get better and when it didn't happen, they both wanted to reject me, but mom got stuck with me because dad was too drunk and selfish to care for a child on his own. So dad won that battle and never really had to look back.I feel she resented me. I felt her resentment, but never got an answer why she resented me, but I don't believe there's any coincidence that by the time I was a year old there was a divorce underway. Their gamble failed. Hell, I almost had a baby to save my marriage, but decided against it... no child deserves that.