stupidity tries

It's been an interesting day. I ended up oversleeping, but it seems to have been what I needed. J and I talked last night. He called and woke me up, which I didn't mind... I've missed him so much lately. He asked if I've been looking for someone else, and of course I'm not. I was approached by those men, but I can't lie and say I'm not flattered. It's nice to be seen as asthetically pleasing. I'm not vain person, but I like being told I'm pretty and that the guy who I'm seeing is lucky to have me. It's nice to hear, especially when I don't really believe I'm all that pretty in the first place. I think I'm passable, but no model. I know J is lucky to have me, but 99% of the time, I know I'm the lucky one. He makes me smile and laugh and those are two really important things to me.

I keep trying to make things work in my life though. I keep looking for a job, and I keep practicing for my grad school auditions and I keep my hopes up that my life with J will get back to normal... but only one of those hopes seems even slightly feasible. I know that the job will come when the time is right, but the practicing is the only surity. I know I'll get in somewhere, it's just a question of where. Life with J though? Oh goodness I don't know. It takes two to try and I keep trying to keep the lines of communication open, but I don't know what else to do. I'm no longer going to just "pop" over to his house though. I guess I want him to want me there, not just surprising him with my presence. I want him to want me in general. I don't doubt his wanting me sexually. That's never even a question in my mind. I know he loves me... I just don't know what that means.

Ever since this pregnancy scare I've felt like my days with him are numbered. I don't know why because I have no desire to leave. I'm even willing to consider giving up my dream of one more child. It's a huge sacrifice on my behalf if I go through with it. It's giving up on something that I've wanted for years now. I've understood that I won't get the 4 I originally wanted for a while now, but to be told that this last one just isn't going to happen is like having my heart ripped out. This one I've planned for. It's not going to happen this year, or next, but I've planned for it to happen once I'm done with grad school. I want it with J, but he doesn't want any more children. So now I'm faced with deciding if this is a deal breaker. I don't think he'd respond well to the prospect of staying with me if I chose to go the IVF route with a donor. I'd rather have his child - regardless of his fears that the child would arrive as a special needs child. *sigh* I would love it anyways because it would be a child conceived in love. That's something I want more than anything for any child. I may not love L's dad now, but I did very much so when he was conceived and I've always been proud of that. I don't know if I'm ready to give up that dream.