Self Evident

I originally was going to be a violin performance major. I poured my heart, soul and every emotion into my violin and was actually quite talented at it. I auditioned for a couple schools when college time came, but didn't make it. I was so wholly crushed by that. Especially after a former instructor at Drake University told me that I didn't have enough talent because I hadn't been studying privately since age 3. I still hate that man for stomping on my dreams. I rarely play my violin nowadays. I guess on some level I'm scared of it. Scared of getting my hopes back up only to have them smashed to pieces. I know I can sing. I've got a gorgeous voice that few people have and I know it and what's more, I appreciate it. I won't squander my talent by sitting behind a desk forever, I will get up on stage and perform and share the talent that God gave me when I was created. Not to mention that there's a huge amount of joy that comes through my entire being when I sing, play piano or even violin. A joy that on occasion makes me weep at its beauty. To do anything else would be a betrayal of not only myself, but my talent. I keep trying to find something that's good enough in the meantime, but it all feels so empty and meaningless. I want to do something that affects people. I want to move their souls and their emotions. I take the baroque doctrine of affections very seriously. I just have to learn to be less self conscious and more willing to lose myself in the roles I play and in the music I sing. My voice teacher always told me she hated to turn music into a business for me because she saw how very much I loved it... but it is work too now. I don't hate it though. It makes me so happy just to listen to something as simple as a Lied...

Today, I'm listening to classical instrumental pieces. It makes me long for my violin in a way I usually forget when I don't have the time to actually sit down and enjoy a piece of music. I'm happy today thanks to Beethoven... the most cantankerous man in the history of music.